The room door flies open again as Emmett comes hurtling out. “She doesn’t need anything from you!” he screams and kicks towards the car as it speeds away.
I grab him by the arm and pull him back inside. “What the fuck is wrong with you! I can’t believe you lost your shit like that! I’m so embarrassed. He was just trying to help!”
He braces himself against the same countertop where we once made love, and I wish more than anything this was one of those happy times, though I have to remind myself that didn’t happen for good reasons. I only came here that night to run from more of our problems, and while I don’t regret it, I hate how complicated everything constantly is.
I sneak over to put my phone on Emmett’s charger, thinking if I missed so many of his calls, I must have missed some from my mom, too. I know it’s getting late.
I see his nostrils flaring as he breathes heavily, trying to regain control. I almost wish I had just left with Malcolm, but I can’t let him off the hook so easily. I settle in for what I expect to be a long night, ending in another missed curfew—something my parents and I will both have to get used to as long as Emmett is around.
15
Chapter Fifteen
The room is quiet, with nothing but the sounds of Emmett’s labored breathing and muffled expletives. I am left waiting to see how bad the rest of his explosion will be.
I sit silently and stare into the dark corners of the room, waiting to see what he’ll do next. I have never been a big drinker, even at parties back home, but right now I would give anything for a drink. Isn’t this exactly why people drink?
What am I doing here? Why am I putting up with this? I only wanted to help. And he’s acting like a crazy person, pushing away one of the only people who has been nice to me lately—all because of some old high school drama—a person who’s been nicer to me than he has. I should have gotten into that car with Malcolm and ridden away from all of this without ever looking back.
Something has to end it. It can’t last forever. Nothing does. Especially not high school loves, as hard of a pill as that is to swallow.
“Should we go to the mall?” I propose. “See if there is anything there? Maybe someone working there saw Bernadette that last day before she disappeared.”
“Oh, come on,” he scoffs. “You don’t honestly believe anything Malcolm showed you, do you? Look at this shit he printed off. It’s just a bunch of encrypted files! It could say anything!”
“Why would he lie like that?” I protest, stomping my foot. “I saw all of their phone numbers. I saw the timestamps. I can’t believe you think he’d go so far as to make all of that up.”
“I can’t believe you don’t see how he would make all of that up!” Emmett fires back, his voice growling with rage. “I told you I didn’t want you around him, and I meant it! He’s playing you. Convincing you that he’s some great guy…Well, he’s not. And I don’t want you anywhere near him.”
“Well, it still wouldn’t hurt to try and go to the mall!” I continue. “What other options do we have? Emmett, each day your sister is gone…it just seems less likely that she’ll ever come back. And I haven’t wanted to say anything, but you know time is running out. We don’t have time to be picky about what leads we follow. Unless you want to call the police.”
“I just don’t want you hanging around with Malcolm,” he fumes finally, trying his best to keep his voice even and calm but failing miserably.
Some moments feel so much heavier than others. Emmett looks sabotaged and exhausted, cradling his head in hands, rocking back and forth as he tries so hard to cling to any sense of self-control. We both feel vulnerable and ashamed. The curls of his hair twist up around the light like winding tree roots, and I want to run to him. Hold him and tell him everything will be okay, the way I always do. He looks over to me expectantly, as if he’s wondering why I’m not already by his side. He expects it now.
“I know, but I was just trying to put an end to all of this. I wanted to help you,” I explain urgently. “I thought if we could just find out what happened to Bernadette…all of this shit with Vivian would be put to an end, and you and I could finally have a chance to see what this relationship can be. Without all of this other stuff always getting in the way.”
“I don’t trust him,” he replies, his voice softening some. “Just promise me you’ll stay away from him now.”
“I’m sorry, Emmett.” I slowly move towards him, being careful to make sure he’s not going to lash out again. I don’t even know why I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be. I didn’t do anything wrong. And everything I did was all for him. But I think he knows that. This is just another one of his fits of rage that he’s trying his best to control and just can’t.
I run my eyes along the edges of his face and the curls of his hair, glowing amber against the lamplight in the corner. His eyes are closed as he clings to some semblance of control. I feel the same way now that I did when he first found me after Bernadette went missing. I want to hold him and help him find his way. I want to make everything better for him. But I have been trying to do that for almost two weeks now, and am no closer to accomplishing it.
Emmett is still just as lost. The only thing that’s changed is that now, I am lost with him. My need to take him into my arms quickly changes. Suddenly, I feel afraid and alone, and I am the one who needs to be held.
“I need to be close to you,” I rasp across the room, not daring to go any closer until he shows me that it’s okay.
His darkened eyes find me standing there, as if he has been in some far-off distant place. I see his face drop, realizing how he abandons me when he has his freakouts. He deals with his fears the only way he knows how, and leaves me all alone with mine.
The longer we stand there and stare, the more the electricity between us builds in the room. But it’s not the intense primal shock I am used to. It’s a tired, but thriving need. We need so much more than each other’s bodies. We need to devour each other—mind, body, and soul. We can see it in each other’s eyes.
I walk quickly to erase the distance between us, my lips parting with a slack expression. I reach out to brush against his lips, making steady eye contact with his as I lean forward. He smiles and releases an appreciative sigh, taking my hand and spreading my palm across his heart. I reach up with my other hand and skim my fingers along his jawline. He closes his eyes, savoring my touch. If only we could stay like this. I wish there was a pause button. I want to stop time and every other thing that keeps coming between us.
He lifts me up to wrap my legs around his hips, but we don’t kiss. He keeps me suspended in the air, looking down into his eyes. I swear I can see straight into his soul, a place that has scared me in the past because I was afraid that I would find it to be empty. But right now, it looks alive and it’s burning for me. Right here in this moment, it feels ridiculous to have ever been worried about Vivian. She can’t touch what we have.
I finally lower my lips to his and we dive deep into each other, running our velvet tongues together. Melting into each other’s mouths, seamlessly becoming one. At some point he lowers me to the bed, but I can’t say exactly when. Time is completely lost. All I can feel is his skin and his warm tongue. His lips moving over every inch of my body as I claw into him, telling him with my hands that I need more—always more.
The room is brown and yellow, lighting the silhouettes of our bodies up like fire as he moves over me. I’m not even aware of the exact moment he slides inside of me. I’m in a trance, and it feels like he could have always been there. Maybe he never left.
For what seems like hours, we roll around in the sheets. Soft and slow, but with desperation. I take him in as deeply as I can, losing myself in his eyes and his body. Our breathing and the sensations melt together, building leisurely. We don’t even care about getting off—then it’s over, and we have to face everything that waits for us outside of this room. So, we put it off, wanting to steal away every possible second that we can.
Normally there is a point when we’re making love when I close my eyes and lose myself in nothing but the sensation of our bodies. But this time, we both make a point of keeping our eyes wide open. It’s as if we’re deciding not to hide anymore. To look each other straight on and face everything that exists between us without fear. The intensity of it takes my breath away, and I have never felt so connected with another human being before. His fingers interlace with mine and I could swear our veins are flowing together, sharing the same blood. Our chests are flattened against one another, our hearts beating in time, the rise and fall of our breaths loud and matching perfectly.
We say each other’s names into the darkness like animals, calling each other closer. We can never get close enough. I swear I can feel inside of him as I claw into his skin—the heat of his skin is the heat of his organs, his veins, his soul. All pulsing just for me, in tune with my own.
I feel like I’m drowning in him, but I’ve lost all desire to come back up for air. I’m losing myself and don’t even care. This goes against everything I always believed about myself. I thought running came above all else, aside from family. But didn’t I tell Emmett we were family? Does that somehow excuse my obsessive love for him? I thought when he showed me some hope that he could become a decent person that things would level out between us. That I would feel more in control. But it seems to have only made things worse. His reciprocity has only fanned the flames, and they’re devouring me faster than I can do anything about it. Not that I would if I thought that I could.