He grabbed an unopened bottle of scotch, and sat down. The whole situation was completely overwhelming him. Never could he imagine Elaina would humiliate him like that. He knew that he needed to quit his drinking. He was just looking for the right time, but he never thought Elaina would throw it all out on the table like she did. He was so ashamed of himself, and chugged about a third of the bottle. The insults starting flying around in his head.
Cock-up. Useless. Loser. Unlovable. Freak. Unwanted. Weak. Throw away.
All the insults that Gunther, Kellan, Drew, and Roger used to throw at him on a consistent basis for years. Then they would beat the hurtful words into him with their fists.
Tears formed in his eyes. He chugged more of the scotch. There was nothing more that he wanted in that moment but to forget his lifetime of humiliation. He drank half the bottle before the sobbing hit him hard.
He just couldn’t even grasp why Elaina would humiliate him like that in front of the others. He lived his life being humiliated by the program. He never imagined the love of his life would do exactly the same thing.
The threatening to leave tore through him, opening that black void in his chest again. He felt like he was filleted like a fish. It was so raw. He almost fell to his knees and pleaded with her right there, but he couldn’t further humiliate himself. He already felt he was two feet tall as it was.
Henry sat there sobbing, a half empty bottle of scotch sitting directly between his legs. His face was in his hands, and his fingers were grasping chucks of his out-of-control hair.
Then the door opened with such haste that it slammed up against the wall.
***
“Henry…” When I saw him sitting hunched over in the chair, it killed me.
“Just leave me the fuck alone. That’s what you want, anyway!” He was sobbing. What the hell had I done to him?
“Henry…I’m so sorry.” I sat down in front of him.
“Just go. You want to go, anyway. Now is as good a time as any. Just get it over with.”
“Henry…please forgive me. I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone. This is all on me. I should have respected your wishes and talked to you about it in private.” My voice cracked. Hearing him sob broke me. “Watching you do this to yourself is killing me. I need you by me, but you won’t be if you continue down this path.”
“I told you I will stop.” He still hadn’t looked up at me.
“You’ve told me a thousand times that you will stop, but you haven’t.” He had quieted down, but then he looked up at me. His face… I could see all the pain, all the hurt, all the abuse right in that moment.
“You fucking humiliated me, Elaina. Absolutely fucking humiliated me. My entire life has been one humiliating experience after another. Between the beatings, the insults, this bloody sickness…” I tried to touch him, but he dodged me. He rested his hand over his chest. “You have gutted me. In a thousand lifetimes, I never thought that you would have done that to me.” He looked back down, avoiding my eyes.
“I know. I’m so sorry for doing this to you.” I reached for him again, but he shoved me away. “Henry…please. I’m so sorry.” I began to sob myself. His anger toward me was well deserved and justified. “It was wrong and hurtful for me to say those things to you.” I sniffled and wiped my nose on my shirtsleeve. “But I need you to be more understanding from my point of view. Your drinking is scaring the hell out of me.”
He looked up at me, red-eyed and tear-streaked. The hurt in his eyes was driving it home for me. After several long moments of his pain filtering through me, he reached out and grabbed my hands, pulling me up on to his lap. He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me into his chest.
“I will stop. I promise you. But, please, just give me some time.” I nodded into his chest. “I can’t bear you leaving me, especially considering that we would still be stuck together if you did. It would kill me to see you doing your own thing, or if you eventually met someone else. It would, Elaina. I would curl up into a fucking ball and just waste away. I never want to be with anyone again. Just you.”
“I’m sorry.” My words were quiet. Then he lifted up my chin and kissed me. After all the terrible things that I said to him, I didn’t deserve his lips on mine. I shied away. “I don’t deserve for you to be kind to me.”
“Yes, you do. I know it’s been hard putting up with me, and I’m sorry that I’m doing this to you. I can imagine that I have been a chore, between all the puking and passing out on you. Then having to put up with my anger and sickness on top of it all…” He cleared his throat. “Can we cuddle up in bed?” I nodded.