Broken Dreams(228)
“So you’ve been doing this for about a decade, give or take?”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” It was like it hadn’t occurred to him he had been boozing it up for so long.
“Henry…”
He interrupted me. “I tried to shake it a few times. One time, I went about six months without a drink. Sophie used to plead with me to stop every time she would find me passed out in weird places. She gave up, and figured I would eventually stop.”
“Where would she find you?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer to that question.
“Closets, benches in the courtyard at the facility, the weight room, her bed…” he mumbled. “When I moved to the States, I would think about why I was here. It’s the only way I could get myself not to think, cloud my thoughts. Quiet my mind. Before I met you, I would hang out at Cam’s bar quite often, drinking and picking up women.” He tipped back the bottle. I felt a hot streak of jealousy run through me. I knew he slept with other women besides Sophie, but I didn't want to think about them.
“Henry, it’s so early for you to be drinking this much.” He set the bottle down. “I want to help you, but I don’t know how. Tell me how.”
He chuckled a little. “There’s no help for me, Elaina. This is my life.”
“I don’t like this.”
“I don’t like it either.”
“Then stop!” The anger rushed through me. He looked down at the wood flooring between his legs.
“I can’t!” His frustration radiated off of him. He tipped the bottle back again. “I drink more than you realize, Elaina. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, those nights when I can’t sleep or I wake up from nightmares. Mornings before you wake, like today…”
“You’re going to kill yourself with this! Maybe this is why you have been starting to turn quicker than before.”
“It could be.” He had zero concern in his voice.
“You are killing yourself! How can you be so nonchalant?” He didn’t respond right away. I looked at him. His jaw was clenched and the muscles were twitching. His eyes were growing wetter.
“How else am I supposed to look at it? What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I just want you to be better. You’re a mess. You have anger issues, you have health issues, you have drinking issues. I don’t know how to deal with it all!” I hid my face in my hands.
“Love, please don’t cry over me. I beg you.”
“I can’t help it. I love you so much. I can’t live without you.”
“You could, you know. You can be one tough bird at times.”
“Are you trying to kill yourself?” He sat silently, staring at the sun. “Henry…please tell me you want to get better.”
“I’m not ready yet. You just have to live with that for now. When I am ready, I’ll shake it.”
“Don’t punish yourself for everything. It’s not all your fault!”
“Elaina…no offense, but you have no idea what the fuck I go through every single day. My body is riddled with pain. My brain aches. My joints ache. My muscles ache. My thoughts are dark. My memories are even darker.”
“I’ve come to the conclusion that the Henry I initially met was a phony.”
“No, don’t say that. I did fall in love with you the moment we locked eyes. I couldn’t believe it. It was an amazing feeling. That man is in here somewhere.”
“I want that Henry back. Your explosive behavior is hard to deal with.”
“I know. I’m so sorry for dragging you into my fucked up mental state.” He looked at his bandaged hand, and I could see that he was ashamed.
“I see glimpses of the real Henry. When we make love, you take me places. I feel like I travel to a place of no worry, no sadness, and no despair. But then when it’s over, it’s over. I feel like I’m only connecting with you in that way now.”
“I’m glad I can make you feel whole sometimes.” He turned and looked at me. “Please understand that my heart beats for you. I love you so much. You accept me, even though I’m so fucked up.”
“That’s what love is. Unconditional. I may not love everything you do, but I love you so goddamned much. You are amazing. You just haven’t realized it yet.”
“Then give me some examples of this amazing Henry that you think you see glimpses of.”
“Look how you are with Julianna. She adores you.”
“I saved her. Of course she does!” He turned back to face the sunrise, and took another drink.
“Stop it! She adores you because you are sweet and caring. You treat me well. You try to make me feel better if I’m sad or upset. You love me with everything you have.”