Breathe for Me(34)

She turned back. “Don’t you do everything in isolation? Aren’t you a total Superman—all capable all on your own?”

“No.” He stomped across the room. “I have an amazing PA. She organizes everything. I have a great team working for me. And I have my buddies.”

He was exaggerating things for her. He was tough and capable—so much more than she. She didn’t know why it bothered her so much. But it felt like all she’d wanted was slipping through her fingertips. Her independence, her achievements… everything she’d wanted wasn’t quite what she’d wanted. Not quite the way she’d wanted. Nothing was quite right and as crazy as it was, she didn’t know how to make it.

But as she looked into his damn gorgeous eyes and saw that natural upturn to his lips, warmth trickled in, easing all those aches. Goose bumps lifted on her skin.

Chemistry, Chelsea. This is just chemistry.

Xander rolled his shoulders, trying to shake out the tension burning his muscles. Why should it bother him that she’d rejected his help? He shouldn’t want to help her, right? He shouldn’t be making this any more complicated. He didn’t want complicated or emotional. It was exactly what he’d sworn away from. He should have stayed away. He’d ended it already. Except he still wanted her. He couldn’t seem to stay away.

Sex. Just sex.

That’s what she wanted. And what he needed to take it back to. No more dates, no more meeting her outside her bedroom. Nothing but a quick screw and then home alone to sleep.

Irritated, he could think of no tease tonight. No scenario for them to laugh through, to turn her on.

But from the look in her eyes, he didn’t need one. He pressed her up against the wall, the need to dominate biting hard. Heat bloomed in her cheeks.

“Don’t make a sound,” he instructed. “Not a sound.” He didn’t want to hear her ecstatic little sighs. This was just sex. Nothing else. No emotion. Her eyes widened and he saw her clamp down on her lip.

It was so damn easy to excite her. Given he was already painfully hard, this was probably good. He leaned against her. Flattening her against the wood. Letting her feel just how hot he was.

He heard her groan and paused. “No noise whatsoever.”

He wanted to see her needing him. Hell, when had he needed the ego trip? But her hips writhed against his hand. She was wet and hot and her teeth tore at her lower lip as she tried to keep her sighs inside.

“Uh huh.” He rubbed her lip with the tip of his finger. He didn’t want her hurting herself.

It only took seconds to get her ready, to get himself sheathed—seconds too long.

At last he slid home. Happiness burst through his chest. Hell he’d missed this. Missed being so close to her. But looking into her eyes was a mistake. He saw the slight pain hidden in there along with her desire. Suddenly it wasn’t enough. He needed more than this.

“Damn it Chelsea.” She wrung so much from him. “Say something.”

“Xander.” Her hand lifted.

He grabbed it, held it to his jaw. Then he bent and kissed her. Taking the breath from her because this time he needed it. She kissed him back—soft and sweet and hungry and wild. His heart melted, warmth flooding his body as he closed his eyes and let it wash over him. So different. So good. And still not enough.

An hour later Chelsea smiled as Xander slid down more comfortably in her bed. Clearly he had no intention of leaving for the rest of the night.

Good.

“Are you still mad with me for asking Logan to help?” he asked slyly.

Oh was that what the incredible sex had been about—making her forget? She shook her head. “Tom always said…” She trailed off, suddenly chilled.

“What?” Xander prompted softly. “It’s okay to say.”

Yeah, it probably was. Chelsea took a breath. “He always teased me for taking things so seriously and always trying to do everything on my own. He said it was stupid.”

“He was right.” Xander laughed. “He sounds nice.”

“He was.” And it was also stupid the way her heart stuttered at Xander’s easiness in hearing about her former fiancé. She tried to steel herself. It was a good reminder that Xander wasn’t after a relationship—that the lapse in their initial boundaries didn’t actually mean anything more. Because if he was starting to fall for her, wouldn’t he go all jealous and not want to know a thing?

She sure as hell never wanted to know about his past lovers. Jealousy surged at the mere thought. She hated them all. Worse, she was terrified she wasn’t a match for them in bed. The guy had experience. It oozed out of him. He hadn’t gotten to be such a hot lover with only the one other lay.

“Tell me more about him,” Xander said.

Yeah, see there you go. So not bothered. “We met at college,” she answered. “We were in the same class. First year.”

“He was an urban planner too?”

She nodded. “He was funny. Kind. Talented. It was…” Different to this. “So easy. We were just happy.”

It had been sweet. He’d been caring. They’d had plans to go into business together and forge a partnership across all areas of their lives. She’d loved the idea. It had beckoned, secure and safe. She’d wanted that so much.

“He was your first serious boyfriend?”

She nodded. “My only.”

Xander’s eyes widened. “And now this?”

She nodded again. “This.” She’d dived headfirst into a hot and heavy ‘arrangement’ with the most testosterone-laden man she’d ever encountered. The most outrageously sensual. The most playful. Probably not the smartest thing to have done but she was committed now.

“Did you play the fantasy game with him?” His question was sharpened with a rough edge.

She flushed and looked away. “I’m… not.” Discussing this. She couldn’t.

“You didn’t.” He inhaled deep.

“Xander, please.” She squirmed with embarrassment, sliding right under the sheet.

He was silent for a while, then sighed. “Sorry. That was rude of me.”

“No.” She shook her head, pushing back the sheet so she could look at him again. She hated the way he’d retreated—his expression now blank. “It’s okay.”

It was a fair enough question, she was just too inhibited to answer properly. It should be okay to tell Xander anything. He’d told her often enough.

As she lay looking at his strong features, she felt the slipping of a barrier within herself. She could tell him. He didn’t judge, wouldn’t. He was utterly accepting. Finding someone like that was rare. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

Was it that simple? Could she tell him anything and he just listen and not judge? Her burden had become too heavy. Xander was so strong, she had the incredible urge to offload to him.

“The accident was my fault. I caused it.”

He immediately rolled to his side to face her, his eyes serious, concerned, sympathetic. “What happened?”

She breathed in. “I’ve never told anyone.”

He didn’t touch her. Didn’t try to console her. He didn’t move. Just kept looking at her with that strong, steady gaze. “You can tell me.”

“I know.” She did know that now.

He still didn’t move. Didn’t smile. But she sensed the slightest softening.

“We’d been out,” she started, her voice hideously wobbly. “It was a really big night but—”

“You fought?”

“No,” she whispered. It had been so much worse than that. “We’d gotten engaged that night. I was a little drunk.”

“Was he?”

“No.” She shook her head. “He was really solid like that. He’d never drink and drive.”

“It was just the two of you?”

“Yes.” She gripped the sheet over her icy body. “We’d gone out for dinner. I’d finished the champagne myself. We were celebrating. We danced.”

“You were happy.”

“So happy. And silly.”

He waited a long moment. “What did you do?”

“It was quite a drive back to my parent’s house. They live a bit out of town.”

She rolled to her stomach and stared at the pillow between them. She couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “I wanted to have some fun. I wanted to do something for him.” She bent her head. “I turned the music up loud. It was one of those sexy dance anthems. I did a strip. Distracted him. I didn’t even realize we were on the bridge. He was laughing,” she said. “He was looking at me and laughing. And I was laughing back at him.” She’d never tried such a thing before. “I was trying to act sexy but I was self-conscious at the same time.”

“You didn’t usually vamp for him?”

She shook her head. “I was young and shy and not that experienced…”

“But you wanted to.”

She nodded her head. “And he loved me. I wanted to play up for him. Wanted to give him something he’d never forget. You know, ‘how to blow his mind’—like something you read in those damn magazines.” She closed her eyes—bringing the darkness back—but she forced herself to keep speaking, recounting the horror. “Next thing I know the horn is blaring and the car is sinking and it was so dark. There wasn’t any traffic behind us. No one saw. I was frantic. I unclipped my belt. I was a strong swimmer, Xander. Always been a strong swimmer…”