As soon as his eyes met mine, he grimaced as if what he saw in my face caused him regret. I looked away quickly. It was fine if he didn't want anything more from me. I could handle that, but I couldn't stand the thought that he regretted it. That he regretted me.
I never realized that would be the last time I saw him. He disappeared the next day, and I had no clue where he went. Not that I expected him to tell me, but I never expected him to leave. I broke down after I realized he was gone and begged Blake to tell me where he went. Of course, he refused. He told me to give him time. All he would say was the usual. Gabe had a history that Blake refused to tell me anything about and that he needed to work it out.
I was furious. I was mad at Blake for not telling me what I wanted to know. I was angry with Gabe for leaving and not giving me an explanation, but I was mostly upset with myself. I should had gone to him and demanded that he tell me why he ran away that morning. I had every right to know, but the fear of his rejection overpowered everything else. He had rejected me in every way possible, but he had yet to say it to me. I didn't think I would survive hearing the words come out of his mouth.
The months since Gabe left had dragged on and on. In the beginning, I avoided hanging out with Kat and the guys, but Kat refused to let me sulk. She dragged me out of my apartment every chance she got even if I went kicking and screaming.
I knew that getting out of my house was the best thing for me, but being around the guys only reminded me of Gabe and I needed no reminders. He took up all my thoughts just as he had since the beginning. Him leaving and rejecting me only seemed to make it worse. I was worried about him. I wanted to know that he was safe and that he was okay, but I wouldn't dare call him.
I dreamt of him every night. It would be a lie to say that I wished the dreams would end. My dreams were the only place that I was truly happy. They were the only place where I had Gabe. I clung to those dreams with a ferocity that was beyond unhealthy, but I didn't care. I needed them to get through. They made me feel like I wasn't alone even though my reality was completely different when I opened my eyes.
The first time that I hung out with the guys without Gabe was awkward to say the least. I could tell that they were all worried about me and were careful not to mention Gabe in conversation. I could feel myself clamming up with every uncomfortable minute that went by, but Johnny changed it. He placed his arm around my shoulders, pulled me close to him, and said, "Where is a pirate's favorite place to eat?"
I looked up to his handsome face which was covered in a beard that he had been growing out in the last few months like he was crazy.
"I don't know?" I said it more like a question. "Where?"
"ARRRRbys." He drawled out the word dramatically as if it was the best joke he had ever heard.
I couldn't stop the hysterical laugh that came out of me. It was as if a dam broke, and I doubled over in laughter at his lame joke. Everyone else joined in as Cash told Johnny how stupid he was. It was a stupid joke, but it changed the atmosphere around us. There was no longer an uncomfortable bubble surrounding us. We all joked easily with each other and avoided all talk of Gabe.
Johnny became my source of comfort throughout the last few months. We hung out often, and he always made me laugh. He also let me cry. We talked about Gabe and everything that had happened. We talked about how sad, angry, and heartbroken I was. He was there for me.
The rustling of bags brought me out of my thoughts as someone walked in the front door of my apartment. Seconds later, Johnny walked into the kitchen carrying to-go bags.
"What's up? I brought Mexican." His smile was infectious as it always was when I was around him.
"Nice. I rented movies. I rented three because I couldn't pick so you are going to have to pick from them."
"Sounds good, but we're not watching Harry Potter again. I'm going to go ahead and put my foot down now." He raised an eyebrow at me as if he expected me to argue.
I didn't know what he was talking about. We hadn't watched Harry Potter that much. Okay. Maybe we did, but who could blame me. Harry Potter was awesome.
"Fine." I huffed causing Johnny to grin.
We began unloading the food and passing our orders to each other before we walked into the living room.
"So how was the date with Rebecca?" I asked as I stuffed some tortilla chips and salsa in my mouth.
"It was alright. Nothing special. I probably won't be seeing her again." He raised his shoulders as if it wasn't important.
"Did you get laid?" I asked around the food in my mouth.
"First, it's not very ladylike to talk with your mouth full, and second, it's not very ladylike to ask questions like that."
I flipped him the bird and stared at him expectantly.
He grinned his mischievous grin before saying, "Of course, I got laid."
I laughed even though I already knew the answer. Johnny was a bit of a man whore. Well a lot of a man whore, actually.
"What did you do today?"
"Kat and I went and picked up my bridesmaid's dress from alterations then we did some last minute wedding planning stuff. She is getting so excited."
"I know. I would be freaking out if I was Blake, but he is just cool as a cucumber as if his life isn't about to end."
Johnny laughed when one of my chips hit him square in the forehead.
"His life isn't about to end. Some people aren't afraid of commitment."
"Touche." He saluted me with the same chip I just threw at him before popping it into his mouth.
Kat and Blake's wedding was this weekend. I couldn't believe how quickly the date had come, but they didn't want to wait. Blake refused to let them have a long engagement because he said he had waited long enough to have Kat. It was actually pretty sickening how sweet he was with her.
They were amazing together, and I was honored that Kat had chosen me to be her Maid of Honor. Honored, but worried as hell. The problem? Gabe was Blake's Best Man, and I was going to have to walk down the aisle with him.
Panic took over every time I thought about it, but I refused to let him have that much power over me. Kat had offered to not make me walk with him. She told me that I could walk with Johnny instead, but I told her no. I needed to be strong when I saw him. I couldn't let a man that walked away from me without a backwards glance know how much he affected me.
"What's on your mind?" Johnny's voice broke through my thoughts.
"Oh." I hadn't realized that I quit eating. "Nothing. Just thinking."
"It's going to be okay. You know that right?"
I looked up into his eyes, and I knew that he could see straight through me. I had no doubt that he knew how terrified I was to see Gabe again.
I nodded my head at him.
"I know." My voice was quiet as I tried to keep the pain out of it.
Johnny stared at me for a long time and then smiled softly. "Alright. We can watch Harry Potter."
I couldn't stop the smile that overtook my face before I threw my head back laughing.
The wind flew by me as the engine rumbled beneath my body. It felt weird as shit to be passing by the familiar buildings that I hadn't seen in months. As happy as I was to be back, I knew this wasn't going to be a big happy reunion .
Erica hated me.
She had every right to. Fuck. I would hate me too, but that didn't change the feeling I got in my chest every time I thought about it.
I pulled into Blake's driveway and parked my motorcycle. My hands shook from the miles of holding the handle bars and from nerves I had been trying to hold back. I pulled my helmet off my head and ran my fingers through my hair that was in a desperate need of a cut. It hadn't been at the top of my priorities over the last few months.
Taking a deep breath, I walked up to the front door of my best friend's home. I didn't know why I was so nervous, but I was worried about what they all would think about me. I knew that I hadn't just hurt Erica. Blake told me how upset Kat had been with me. It killed me. Kat was one of my best friends, and I didn't want to fuck that up too.
Before my knuckles hit the wood to knock, the door flew open and Kat burst through. I was so startled that I almost didn't catch her as she launched herself into my arms.
"Hey, sweetheart," I said against her hair that was smashed against my lips.
She leaned back to look at me and a small smile graced her lips. Blake walked out of the door behind her. I placed her on the ground and leaned into Blake to give him a hand shake and hug that we had mastered over the years.