If I had found out I was pregnant, I would have slightly freaked out, but I also would have been happy. I couldn't imagine what had to be going through his mind for him to be so angry with me. What had happened to him in his life that he was hiding from me?
I should have pushed him. I should have demanded that he talk to me. I was as big of a coward as he was. The fear of losing him stopped me. I was so scared to lose him that I was willing to let him crawl inside of himself as long as he gave me some of him. A piece of Gabe seemed far better than nothing, but I couldn't do it anymore. Hell, I didn't know if he wanted anything from me anymore. And just like that my anger began to boil over again.
The trees seemed to pass by me in a blur. My GPS led me down busy highways before turning on to quaint little roads. The houses were full of character with colorful shutters and porch swings swaying in the wind. One thing I knew about Gabe was that he didn't grow up here. He grew up in the same town that we currently lived in. I didn't know what this place meant to him.
The Grandview Cemetery sign hung on a black wrought iron fence that seemed to encase the entire cemetery. I slowly pulled my car through the opening in the fence and parked in the small parking area at the front. Gabe's truck was parked beside me, but as I looked around, he was nowhere to be seen.
Taking a deep breath to help settle my nerves, I stepped out of my car. The wind lightly blew and the curls that couldn't be contained in my bun bounced against my face. I curled my arms around myself to fight off the chill in the air.
Spinning in a circle, I looked at the rows and rows of headstones. Some were new and some were old. Bright flowers decorated many, but then there were the ones that looked like they hadn't been visited in years.
I began walking aimlessly through the grounds and reading the headstones as I went. I was surprised by how little time had passed between the dates listed. You never realized how short life was until it was looking you in the face.
I dragged myself up a small hill and stopped mid-stride as soon as I made it to the top. Gabe sat in the distance right in front of a headstone. I couldn't see his face because it was buried in his hands, but I would know him anywhere. His back muscles were bunched under his white t-shirt, and I knew he had to be cold. Not that he would ever admit it.
I slowly made my way to where he sat, and he didn't notice me until I was almost a foot away. His head shot up and snapped toward the sound of my feet crunching against the grass.
His eyes were red, and he looked exhausted. It was almost enough to make any resolve I had managed to hold on to crumble. I wanted to drop to my knees in front of him and tell him that everything would be okay, but I didn't know that. Our chances of being okay were completely up to him at this point.
His eyes turned dark when he seemed to realize that I was standing in front of him.
"What are you doing here?" His voice was gruff and angry, and it made my own anger come back to the surface. "How did you … "
"No." I cut him off before he could say anything else to piss me off. "You don't get to fucking talk."
He jerked back almost unnoticeably, but I could tell he was shocked by the venom in my voice.
"How dare you talk to me the way you did in my apartment? How dare you walk out without giving me a chance to talk? And then you come here." I swept my arms out toward the lonely headstones. "To a place that you never let me be a part of. To a place you keep buried so deep inside yourself while I give you everything. You're a damn coward."
I spun to walk away, but I stopped after taking two steps and stormed back toward him. My fist clenched around the pregnancy test that rested in my pocket, and I momentarily thought I might crush it. He looked shocked when the test hit him square in the chest and bounced onto the ground in front of him.
"By the way, asshole. Congratulations. You're going to be an uncle."
I didn't stand there and wait for realization to hit. I turned my back to him like he had done to me so many times before. My vision became cloudy, and I bit down on my lip trying to keep the tears at bay. A tear streamed down my cheek, and I angrily wiped it away.
I was practically speed walking back to my car and the air whooshed out of me when his strong arm wrapped around my waist from behind. I slapped his hand and tried to get out of his grip.
"Let me go." My tears were pouring down my face now.
"No," he whispered against the back of my neck as he tugged me closer to his body.
He had me lifted off the ground, and I blindly swung my legs behind me hoping that I would connect a foot with his shin and cause him to let me go.
He wrapped his other hand around me and pulled me even further into him.
"Stop, Erica. Please just stop." His voice cracked, and I knew he was losing his composure.
I stopped fighting him immediately. He buried his face in my neck and took several deep breaths. Moisture ran down my neck from his tears, and I tried to muffle the sob that was crawling its way up my throat.
"Please don't leave. Please."
"I had no intention of leaving, Gabe," I managed to say through my crying. "You're the one who keeps leaving me."
"I'm scared." I barely heard his words, but they didn't need to be loud to make an impact. I knew how hard it was for him to say that. I doubted that those words had ever passed his lips before.
"What are you scared of?" I asked looking down at the gravestone in front of me.
It felt odd talking to him without seeing him, but he needed this. If he needed to hide behind me for him to open up to me, then I would let him. I would give him just about anything if he would let me in.
"You." His arms around my waist tightened. "I'm scared of what you can do to me, of what you've already done to me, but most of all I am scared of losing you."
He turned me around in his arms, and even though I knew he had been crying the sight of his damp cheeks was a blow to my chest.
"I'm scared I'll never be good enough for you. What if I can't protect you? What if I can't protect our children when we have them?"
"You are more than good enough, Gabe."
He shook his head so I reached up, stopped the movement, and stared him straight in the eye.
"You are the best man I know."
He winced as he placed his hand on top of mine. "You wouldn't say that if you knew. She wouldn't say that." He pointed to the grave that he had been sitting on.
"Then tell me, Gabe. Help me figure it out, because from where I stand, there is nothing about you that isn't amazing."
"Come home with me," he said suddenly, shocking me.
"Home?" He wanted to go home right now? This was just another way for him to avoid talking to me. "No, Gabe. We're not going home until you talk to me. That's a long drive. If you want me to ever go home with you, then we have to talk."
"I didn't mean that." He ran his hands through his hair. "Come back to my home here. Come home with me, and I will tell you everything."
I blinked at him and tried to process his words. I had no idea that he had a home here. Why would he have a home here? What exactly was Gabe hiding from me?
We didn't talk again as we climbed into his truck. The ride was silent, but the thoughts racing through my mind were screaming at me. What was going on? Was I kidding myself? What did I really even know about Gabe?
He was funny, caring, and an incredibly loyal friend. His and Blake's friendship was a blaring example of how capable Gabe was of loving someone. But was he capable of loving me?
Was it foolish of me to think that he could ever love me?
We passed by the same houses that I had admired earlier before pulling in the driveway of a white colonial style home that looked like it had recently been updated. The flower beds were bare in comparison to the houses next door, but the siding had been freshly painted and it was clean.
The sound of the engine cut off, and Gabe jumped out of the truck. I could tell that he was making his way to my side of the truck, but I jumped out before he got the chance to open my door.
His eyes were on me as I took in the house in front of me. It was a beautiful home. There was no doubt about it, but I had a hard time deciding what I thought about it when I didn't know what laid inside it. Those walls could be housing something that could completely change us. It could completely gut me.
I stepped toward the house and Gabe jumped into action. He led the way into the house and his keys clanked as he found the one to unlock the door. I stood behind him with my hands in his sweatshirt pocket. Nervous wasn't a strong enough word to describe how I was feeling. I felt like I was meeting Gabe's family for the first time, and in a way, maybe I was. But in reality, I think I was truly meeting his demons.