We talked and laughed with her parents, I got to know her brother better, and we had a great time, but it also made me realize how different Erica and I had grown up.
She had a family that loved her and showed her that love every chance they got. I had the exact opposite. I spent most of my nights in my teenage years dreaming that something would happen to my parents'. I know it sounded cruel, but having them out of mine and Kara's life would have made everything better. I was in no shape to take care of myself and my little sister, but I could have done a much better job if my worthless parents weren't in the picture.
Erica grew up in a nice house with nice things. Kara and I didn't know if we were going to eat most days. Every day was a struggle. Every day we spent worrying about what would happen to us.
I knew that I shouldn't let any of that affect me and Erica being together, but it was hard not to think about. Erica was going to want a family. She was going to want a fairytale ending to her life, and I didn't know if I could give that to her. I wanted to. Fuck, I wanted to, but I didn't know if I could give it to her.
I had no business with children. I didn't think I was a bad guy. Logically, I knew what happened to Kara wasn't all my fault, but it still fucked me up. I always felt uneasy when children were around. I tried to avoid the situation anytime I could.
Erica deserved better than that. She didn't need a man who woke up in the middle of the night haunted by his own memories. She deserved someone who could always protect her. Not someone who she had to help calm the storm inside of him. The man that Erica was meant to be with should be someone who would make a great father. Someone who could match every step she took in life and help lead her to something better. I wasn't that man.
I wanted to be him, though. There was nothing in this world I wanted more than to be that man for her. I just wasn't sure how to become him. It felt like it was impossible.
I looked down at her sleeping next to me, and I couldn't imagine not becoming that man. Leaving her again wasn't an option. I felt like my heart was being ripped out the first time I left her.
It didn't escape me that I loved her. I fucking knew that I did. It was what to do with it that I was clueless about.
Telling her was out of the picture right now. Neither one of us were ready for that yet. I just needed to figure my own shit out before I went any further. I couldn't make any promises to her.
I knew what I needed to do and who I needed to talk to. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was six o'clock in the morning. I knew he would be awake. He was an early riser, and he was the man who had always supported me and given me the most honest advice.
Blake's father opened the door right after I knocked. He was still in his pajamas and had a cup of coffee in his hand.
"Gabe. What are you doing here?"
"Hey, Mr. Reagan. I was hoping that you had a minute to talk."
He pulled the door open and motioned me inside. "Of course, son."
He always called me son. He had for a very long time, but it still affected me every single time he did it. He was the closest thing to a father that I had ever had.
I followed him into the house and sat down in a chair across from him in the living room. There was a newspaper folded up on the coffee table that I'm sure I'd pulled him from. The house was quiet, and I knew Blake's mom was probably still asleep. She wasn't an early riser like her husband.
Mr. Reagan took a drink of his coffee before sitting it on the table beside him.
"Can I get you some coffee?"
"No. I'm good." I picked at a loose string on the arm of the chair.
"What can I do for you, Gabe? What's on your mind?"
"Did you always know that you were good enough for Mrs. Reagan?"
"Hell, boy." He leaned back in his chair. "I've never been good enough for her."
I was a little bit shocked by his confession. He was one of the best men I knew, and he was the perfect husband.
"But you two are perfect together."
"We're perfect together because we love each other. Neither one of us are actually perfect. We both have our flaws. God knows that I have far more than she does, but none of that matters to us because we love each other. We work every day to make each other happy and to show each other that we love each other. It's not always easy."
I thought about what he said, but it still didn't add up. I had never seen the two of them when they didn't look like they were madly in love with each other.
"But what if you truly weren't good enough for her. How would you go about making yourself, I don't know, better?" I asked as I stumbled over my words.
"Gabe." He sighed and scooted forward in his chair. He leveled his eyes with mine. "If there is one thing in this lifetime that I can teach you and hope that it sticks, it would be this. You are a good man." His voice was strong. "I know what happened to you makes you doubt that." I turned my head away because I hated talking about it. I hated when I had to hear anything about my past out loud. "Look at me." My head snapped up and I followed his command. "Don't you ever, for one second, doubt yourself. You. Are. A. Good. Man." He sounded out each word. "If Erica is who you love, then you tell that girl and you man up. The only way you won't be good enough for her is if you string her along and don't find the courage to show her who you really are. That girl loves you, Gabe. We can all see it from a mile away, and you deserve her love. You just need to learn how to accept it. I'm not telling you that being in love with someone is easy, but I will tell you that you will wake up every single day, look down at her lying in your bed, and thank God for bringing her to you."
"But what if I fuck up?"
"Oh. You will. Don't worry about that. I can't tell you how many times I've fucked up before. The trick is to have a woman who is worth trying your hardest for. If you try your hardest to be the best version of you that you can, then she will always forgive you."
"But what if she doesn't?" I was different from him. My fuck ups would probably be much larger.
"She will." My eyes snapped up to Mrs. Reagan walking in the room. She sat down on the arm of Mr. Reagan's chair and ran her hand through his hair. "If she loves you, she'll forgive you, and trust me, Erica loves you. She's probably just as scared as you are. The trick is being scared together. Everything is easier when you're together. Everything is better."
Mr. Reagan wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into him before laying a kiss on her hand.
I stood from my seat. "Thank you both for the advice. I really appreciate it."
"You don't have to thank us, Gabe. You may not be blood, but you are our son," Mr. Reagan's voice was strong and left no room for argument.
I left their house feeling better than I had in a long time. I felt clear, calm, and loved.
The bed was empty when I reached my hand out in search of Gabe. I looked around my room in a sleepy haze and found a note laying on his pillow.
I headed into work early. I'll see you when I get home.
-Gabe
I held the note against my chest and inhaled his scent from his pillow. It didn't escape me that Gabe had wrote home on his note. Not his home. Not my home. Just home. Gabe had become my home over the last few weeks. I wanted to be where he was. I didn't feel comfortable in my own home if he wasn't there.
Protecting my heart from him seemed like such a joke now that I thought about it. I wasn't sure how I ever was truly capable of that. I hadn't stood a chance. It was foolish to think I did.
I clicked on my mouse aimlessly at work. It had become almost impossible to get any work done. I spent most of my day thinking about Gabe. I thought about his smile. I imagined his deep laugh. Him bending me over my desk had become a constant daydream that ran through my mind.
My phone buzzed on my desk and my heart sped up hoping it was Gabe. Looking down at my phone, I saw my best friend's name on the screen.
Kat: Hey. What time do you get off today?
Me: Usually around 5. Why, what's up?
It made me feel bad that I was kind of hoping she didn't want to make plans tonight. The only plans I wanted to have were with Gabe in either my bed or his.
Kat: Is there any chance you can meet me at your house on your lunch break?
That was odd.
Me: Of course. Everything okay?
Kat: I'm not sure. I just need to talk.
My heart was racing. I couldn't imagine what was wrong with her. I prayed that nothing had happened with her and Blake. It would completely destroy her.