Branded(85)

He sighs, resting his chin on top of my head. “I still can’t believe your dad got you out of there. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling right now.”

I shrug as he rolls to his back, pulling me with him. I rest my cheek against his chest.

“I don’t know what I’m feeling. I was so scared after I got out of that house I just didn’t want to think about it. I keep seeing his face through the fire, telling me he loved me and he was sorry. I hate that I feel bad that he died like that.”

“You can’t feel bad about what he did, Phina. He made a choice and he chose you over himself for once. He chose your happiness instead of his own. It doesn’t make up for all the shit he did to you, but it’s okay to be sad about losing him. No matter what kind of a father he was for all those years, he was still your father. He was a part of your life and a part of your blood. In the end, he finally did right by you,” DJ tells me softly.

I snuggle into him and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Listen, I need to get a few things off my chest, so I want you to just lay there and be quiet for a few seconds,” he says suddenly.

I smile against him and let him continue.

“I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when I got to your house after Finnley’s accident.”

I quickly lift my head and open my mouth to protest, but he places his finger against my lips.

“Shush. I said no talking,” he tells me with a smile.

I raise my eyebrow at him in irritation, but he keeps his finger pressed firmly against my mouth.

“I’m a dick. I reacted without thinking, and I should have known something else was going on. I know I didn’t say the words you wanted to hear and that snowballed into you being hurt and lashing out. So, I’m saying the words now. I love you. I love every part of you. I don’t care if you have scars on your body from someone else or from your own hands. None of it matters to me. Whatever happens, I’m not going anywhere. The only thing that matters is that you talk to me. You tell me if you have the urge to do something like that. I might not know what the fuck to do, but I’m not going to walk away. I will help you and I will be here for whatever you need.”

I blink back tears, reaching up to gently remove his finger from my lips.

“Can I speak now?”

He laughs nervously before nodding his head.

“I had a problem.”

I think about that for a minute and then shake my head.

“Correction, I have a problem. I haven’t done it since before we got together, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, even if I don’t have the urge to do it. I wasn’t angry with you about the things you said. I knew what your reaction would be and I knew what conclusion you would jump to. I was angry with myself for being so weak and for doing whatever I could to push you away,” I explain.

He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses my palm, but he knows I need to keep going so he stays silent.

“I don’t even know what made me start doing it exactly. One day I just felt so much pressure and so much anger and I needed to release it. I was banging around the kitchen and I burned my hand on the stove. It just… did something to me. The pain in my hand made me forget about the pain in my mind. I did that a few times whenever I felt my anger brewing inside of me, but Finnley started to notice the blisters on my fingers and she asked questions that I didn’t know how to answer.”

I take a deep breath and look away from DJ to trace circles with my fingertip onto his chest.

“I decided to start hiding what I was doing. The most logical place was on my hips where no one would ever see it. That’s why I’ve always kept my underwear on or the lights off during sex. I did whatever I could to hide what I did. I was ashamed, but that didn’t stop me from doing it. Pain got confused with pleasure. It made the anger go away and it helped me breathe. I felt so constricted and so torn up, and burning myself was the only thing that gave me any relief.”

I finally look up at him and shrug. “It’s pretty fucked up considering that’s how I spent most of my childhood. The exact thing I feared and hated growing up turned out to be the only thing I could do to make the fear and the hate go away.”

DJ leans forward and kisses me. “I wish you would have told me. I wish I would have known.”

I shrug again, resting my chin on my hand against his chest. “No one knew. I never even told Finnley. Like I said, I was embarrassed, especially with you. I didn’t want you to look at me and see how messed up I was.”

He shakes his head. “You’re not messed up and I would never think that.”