Bounty(149)

Right then, I was coping with a clash of emotions I was having difficulty processing.

Loss and gain.

Profound joy and acute sorrow.

Feeling this, all I wanted to do was climb in a warm bed, try and hold on to the remnants of that mellow buzz I was quickly losing and go to sleep, wake up with that all gone and face a new day when I had the energy to bury the bad again and focus on the good.

What I didn’t want to do was have sex with Deke.

I wanted to hold tight to my big, warm teddy bear that came in the form of a mountain man and use his strength to take me where I needed to be.

But Deke might have other ideas. He always had other ideas. Ideas I’d always had too. And I didn’t know what I’d do if he acted on those ideas or how I’d feel if he tried.

I climbed into bed, unsure how to share what I needed to share, equally uncertain how he’d take that, and scared of how I’d feel if his reaction wasn’t what I needed it to be.

Then I lay in bed, Deke claiming me, turning my back to his front. He curled into me, yanking the covers up to my shoulder then burying his face in the back of my hair.

And like that, he held me. His hands didn’t wander. His lips didn’t search for anything. I didn’t even feel the hardness of his cock against my ass.

He was just Deke, sensing and then giving me what I needed.

And doing it, he opened that place inside me. That place I’d closed after I lost it the day I heard Dad had died, needing to shut it away so it wouldn’t crush me. That place where I’d buried everything and turned into Deke after I’d been assaulted. That place where I didn’t go when I found out one of my best friends might be pulling her shit together, but she was doing it with someone who was not the man I’d want her to have, so much so, her future terrified me.

It started with my body rocking.

The sob came only when Deke’s arm around my waist slanted up so he could curl his fingers around the side of my neck and whisper into the back of my hair, “Let that shit out, gypsy.”

God, God.

I hoped I was made for him.

Because he sure as fuck was made for me.

I lifted both hands and curled my fingers around his strong wrist and did what he invited me to do.

I let go.

He didn’t turn me into him. He didn’t say words that might soothe me and I was glad because there were no words to soothe me.

No.

Deke just held me while I cried, first for the monumental loss of my dad and all he’d never see, all the things that would happen without him being with me. Walking me down the aisle. Holding his grandchildren. Meeting the man who’d been made for me.

And then I cried for Bianca, how she’d been cast adrift a long time ago by parents so caught up in their own shit, they didn’t notice she had no anchor. How Lace and me, Dad and Joss had tried to keep her on course, steady, loved, and how we’d failed and now…

Now…

Now she’d found her course but it was just as stormy.

Then I cried for all I’d gained, all of it encompassed in the big, warm body curled close and holding me.

This meant I cried a really long fucking time.

Eventually, the sobs tapered into hitches.

And through it all, Deke kept holding me.

Finally, I quieted.

And Deke kept holding me.

I drew in breath and burrowed backward.

Deke kept holding me.

The dark room was quiet and I blinked slowly, exhausted by my tears, my eyes losing focus on the silver of moonlight on my sheets.

“Better?” Deke whispered.

“Yeah, honey,” I whispered back.

“Been through a lot. You’ve needed to let go for a while. Good you did that, gypsy.”

I drew in a soft breath. It broke twice as it came in.

It flowed out easily.

He didn’t think I was weak.

He didn’t think anything but giving me what I needed.

I bent my head and kissed the apple of his palm.

He followed my movement, keeping close, his face in my hair.

“Sleep, Jussy.”

“Okay, Deke.”

His fingers still at my neck gave me a squeeze but otherwise he didn’t move.

And I lay in bed while the silver of moonlight vanished, giving way to sleep.

But I fell into it knowing one thing.

There was no falling in love with a man like Deke.

If you had him, he had that.

And I had him.

So he had that from me.



* * * * *



When I woke, I felt bright sunlight on my eyelids, so I took it slow in opening them.

After a couple of blinks, I saw sheets and sun and trees.

But all I felt was Deke.

We hadn’t moved in sleep, except his arm was no longer slanted up, fingers curled around my neck. It was resting heavily along my waist.

I attempted a small stretch of my back, not wanting to wake him if he was still asleep.

“You up, gypsy?”