Bound by Night(111)

A low, steady hum vibrated through her bones as they approached headquarters, and she realized the buzz had been there all along, like a signal from a homing beacon that grew stronger the closer she got to MoonBound. “I can feel the clan,” she murmured. “Wow.”
Riker grinned, a stunner that made her heart flip.
“It means you associate the clan with home. Helps you find your way back.”
Emotion gripped her so tightly she forgot to breathe. She hadn’t had a home since she was a child.
She’d had houses, but not homes. Now she had something worth finding her way back to.
Speaking of finding her way back . . . “How is Lucy doing?” Nicole asked. “ShadowSpawn didn’t hurt her, did they?”
“Not as far as we know,” Riker said darkly. “She won’t talk about it.” Nicole’s thoughts went to really bad places. Riker seemed to know, and he came to a stop outside headquarters. He waved everyone off, leaving them alone under the light of the rising moon.
“She’s okay. But I’m not sure you are. Hell, I’m not sure I am.”
Something was different about Riker, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. What she did know for certain was that she wanted to tell him about her pregnancy and beg him to take her to bed. But a child wasn’t going to change anything. Oh, she knew he’d be an incredible father, and there was no doubt whatsoever that he’d be by her side. But if he wasn’t over
Terese, he wasn’t getting Nicole in a two-for-one with the baby.
“If you’re talking about my health, I’m fine.”
“And if I’m talking about your emotions?”
“Not so fine.” She sighed. “Nothing has changed, has it?”
“A lot has changed. You were right about my guilt over Terese.” He shoved his hands into his pants pockets and spoke quickly, as if he was afraid he’d forget what he had to say if he didn’t get it out. “I was blaming you, and it wasn’t fair, because none of it was your fault. I blamed myself but didn’t want to, and you were an easy target. I never felt like Terese had the life or the mate she deserved while she was alive, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t love her. Not like I love you.”
On the heels of that admission, Nicole could barely form a coherent thought. “You . . . what?”
“You heard me,” he said gruffly.
She thought back to the day he’d kicked her out of his bedroom. He’d been so full of festering poison. Something must have lanced the wound. “What changed?”
A breeze filtered through the tree branches, and a single snowflake drifted to the ground between them..
Riker turned his face into the wind, and she had a feeling he was looking for an excuse not to meet her gaze.
“I realized I was a fucking idiot.”
“When?” she asked, suddenly suspicious. “After I turned?”
“Before.”
She didn’t see how that was possible. He’d kicked her out of his bedroom, and the next time he saw her, she was a vampire. “Bullshit.”
“It’s true.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”
He turned back to her, his sandy hair mussed from the breeze, and her fingers itched to comb through it.
“The thing with Bastien and Chuck. The bedroom. It all came down on me at once, and I freaked out. Instead of giving in to my need for you, I pushed you away. I was a huge jerk. A total bastard. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.”
What he was saying made sense, but there was something more going on here. Nicole wasn’t sure how she knew that, but her new vampire senses were tingling. “Ah.”
“You don’t believe me?”
She wanted to. God, she wanted to. How easy it would be to say yes, to take Riker at his word. She wouldn’t even feel foolish about doing it, since he’d been nothing but honest with her from the beginning.
But if she’d learned anything at all over the course of the last two weeks, it was that she should never ignore her instincts. She’d disregarded her gut feelings about Daedalus, had trusted others far too easily, and the results had been disastrous.
“Nicole?” Riker prompted, and she winced at the slight crack in his voice. He sensed her doubt, and she hated that her hesitation hurt him.
“I want to believe you,” she croaked.
“But you don’t.” His expression shuttered so completely that he looked like a different person. A stranger. “Then there’s nothing left to say.”
Throwing her words from the day he’d kicked her out of the bedroom back at her—he was good at that he stalked off, leaving her standing at the entrance to headquarters.