They ordered wine and appetizers, and it looked like there was no shortage of conversation. Each time Reese laughed, I felt happy seeing her beautiful smile. Then a crushing feeling would slam down on that momentary joy when I remembered it wasn’t me who’d put that smile on her face.
At one point, I watched in slow motion as her date reached out and touched her face. His hand cupped her cheek in an intimate gesture, and for a second, I thought he might lean across the table and kiss her.
Fuck, I can’t take it anymore.
I had to look away.
My head fell into my hands, and I struggled to figure out how I was going to move on from this. How could I let her walk out of my life? I needed to break free from her.
I’d been trying for weeks, yet something kept holding me back.
Suddenly it hit me.
It was my heart.
She was already inside my damn heart.
I could physically walk away from her, but she was already inside of me. Distance wouldn’t change that. She’d be in my heart, even if she wasn’t in my life.
How could it all be so clear when five minutes ago I couldn’t see any of it?
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It had to be the threat of losing her. Up until now, I hadn’t actually believed she would move on. But seeing it with my own eyes was a wake-up call.
Now it was a matter of what I was going to do about it.
What if we were together and something happened to her? What if I wasn’t there to protect her? What if I failed her? Failed us? What if…she left me someday like Peyton had?
I wished I had the answers. Wished I knew how things would turn out.
My mind raced for the longest time, going back and forth between all the reasons I should beg her to take me back to all the reasons I should let her go.
What if I failed her?
What if she needed someone stronger than me?
What if…she was already starting to move on?
I looked up just as Reese threw her head back in laughter at something the asshole sitting across from her had said. As I closed my eyes in physical pain, something from earlier in the day flashed in my memory—the framed quote Peyton had chosen to hang up at the shelter. For seven years I hadn’t been inside Little East Open Kitchen. Why today, of all days, did I decide to wander in there? It had to be a sign.
Well, it was a sign in the literal sense. Now I just had to understand its figurative meaning.
Don’t focus on the what ifs. Focus on what is.
Chapter 37
Reese
I’d pushed him too far.
Seeing the empty steps across the street when I turned the corner, sadness washed over me. My heart lumped in my throat, leaving my chest to feel hollow. Last week I’d given Chase an ultimatum and threatened to move on without him. I’d hoped planting the visual of my sleeping with another man might jolt him. If he really cared about me, felt a fraction of what I felt for him, there’s no way that wouldn’t affect him.
When another week went by and he still sat across the street with no sign of coming back to me, I thought perhaps reality might set in if he saw me go out on a date in person. Which is why when Owen asked me out to dinner and a movie again tonight, I saw it as the perfect opportunity. Chase had no idea the tall, handsome thirty year old was my brother.
Unfortunately, my plan seemed to have backfired. My guard was gone.
For the entire walk down my street, I couldn’t stop staring at the steps. When he was there, I had hope. Now vacant, that light of hope had been extinguished. The stairs were a metaphor for how I felt—empty.
The thought of going back to my apartment, sleeping in the bed where we’d spent nights making love, made me dread going home.
I looped my arm through my brother’s as we walked the rest of the way. He was still wearing his Access glasses from the movie we’d gone to after dinner. When the IMAX theater started to show movies that could be enjoyed by the deaf with special closed-captioned glasses that projected the dialogue from the movie ten feet in front of the wearer, I had to buy him his own pair. The spectacles looked like a cross between typical plastic 3-D movie glasses and old-school BluBlockers. Yet no one looked twice as we walked down the street at midnight in New York.
I didn’t bother to tell Owen it wasn’t necessary to walk me up. He’d always done it, and he’d cover the interior inspection for me, too. Chase was the only other person who’d figured out it was so important to me and insisted on handling it. I sighed audibly in the elevator at the thought. Tonight was not going to be easy. It felt like losing Chase all over again now that he was gone.
I exited the elevator with heavy footsteps and Owen close behind me. But I froze as soon as I turned toward my door, leaving my brother to walk right into me.#p#分页标题#e#