“Clues? You think that I buried my head in the sand like your father did? That maybe it was my fault it had happened and he cheated?” I could feel my voice rising, and I couldn’t stop it. I pull my hand back to myself, closing myself off. Protecting myself. “This was a mistake. I think I should go.”
I stand up as fast as I can, almost knocking into the waitress bringing over our hot food. Logan asks me to wait, but I can’t. My throat feels like it’s closing up, and all I want is air at this moment. Jake and Logan were so similar- they were smart, powerful, used to getting things their way. It was all black and white to them.
I have no idea where I am really once I get outside, but I don’t care. I turn right and walk along the busy road. It’s a beautiful, sunny day, but I notice none of it.
**********
“Where are you right now?” Violet asks, her voice crackling with concern on the phone. I try not to call her during work hours because her boss is a nightmare, but I don’t know who else to talk to right now.
“A Starbucks. I needed a white chocolate mocha stat after that lunch,” I say.
Part of me knows that I should be back at work right now, but I have zero desire to figure out how to get back on my own. I spotted the coffee shop and ran in. I needed something to soothe my raw nerves, and this was as close to chocolate as I was going to get. Plus it’d let me lick my wounds in peace for a few minutes at least. The place is crowded and noisy, so my conversation won’t be overheard at least.
“So how bad is it?”
I tell Violet what had happened, trying to go through it all myself. I know I shouldn’t have gotten mad at Logan, but the anger just came so fast.
“I just felt so... stupid you know? The things he was saying weren’t really about me, but I couldn’t help but take it that way. I just reacted by blaming him. He probably thinks I’m crazy now.”
The barista calls my name and I pick up my cup and bring it carefully to an empty table.
“Well, you are,” Violet says.
“Hey! What happened to being on my side?” I take a sip of coffee, feeling the warmth spread though my body. Nice, but not as nice as what Logan could do. I feel a pang of remorse.
“I am on your side. That’s why I call you out on things when you need it. Did you try to explain all this to Logan? About what happened and how you feel and everything?”
“...No,” I say at last.
“Maybe you should. Listen, I know how you feel. You hate that you didn’t see how big an asshole Jake was. You hate that you didn’t believe me. And I know you hate that you still haven’t gotten over it. But you shouldn’t be talking to me about all this. I already know and understand.”
“I should be talking to Logan,” I say at last.
“Bingo. Now finish your coffee and get back to work. Not every man is going to be like Jake. You should give Logan a chance. He seems like a great guy. Don’t let that pass you by because you’re still thinking about your past.”
I sigh and push my coffee away.
“Isn’t there an easier way?” I ask.
“There never is,” Violet says wisely. “But I promise you’ll feel better once you do.”
Logan
I still have no idea what happened at lunch time. The conversation had somehow gotten turned around so fast that I barely had any time to react before Mikayla rushed out. By the time I settle things with the waitress and head outside, she’s long gone. Not that I would know what to say to her if I had caught up with her. I review every minute, and I’m still baffled as to how I could have done things different. All I can think of is the look of hurt that flitted across Mikayla’s face before she got up and left.
Sean says something and I nod distractedly.
“You have no idea what I just said there, do you?” he says.
“No,” I say. “Can you tell me again?”
He sighs and starts from the beginning, but his voice immediately gets pushed to the back of my mind. How the hell do I fix things? I wonder for the millionth time. There was always the option to move on, to forget about Mikayla and chalk it up to an early end, but for once I’m not ready to do that. I want this relationship to work between us. I want what we have. I want to figure out how to tell Mikayla that I never intended to hurt her and to make it right again.
“Screw it,” I say, tossing my pen on the desk.
Sean looks up, eyebrows raised.
“You’re going to go after her then?” he inquires.
“How did you-?”
“It’s pretty damn obvious that something’s really bothering you. And now that Kevin’s been taken care of, I figure it had to be Mikayla.”