Born Wrong(6)

“I'm a girl with the worst intentions, the darkest desires, the deepest dreams, so beg for this body, baby, but don't be surprised if I say no.”

“Oh no, no, no.” Blair comes in alongside Naomi, slipping her voice into the fray and melting the words into simple vibrations. My foot pumps along with their words, teasing my bass drum with a deep undertone, one that worms into the floor and roots the audience to the ground. They might not know it, but I can control what they do, too. And they'll have no idea I'm doing it. I grab a quick hi-hat bark and watch the massive scourge of audience jump.

“I shouldn't have even invited you here. Shouldn't have gone anywhere near. My heart is crying out to you, and my pain is rife, taking over, taking over and destroying my life. So, okay, baby, beg for this body, but don't be surprised.”

Hayden drops into a low squat and hums into the microphone, singing Naomi's words without even understanding what they mean. Poor Hayden. No, seriously poor fucking Hayden.

I hit the snare with my left hand and try not to let my feelings show on my face. She didn't ask for this. Could she have handled it better? Sure. But she didn't want this to happen, any of it. All Hayden really wants is her daughter back. I feel the skin on my forehead tightening, and I imagine the camera zooming in on it, panning down across my arms, the tattoos that my dad hates so much. I relax my face and drop my chin to my chest, letting the music writhe inside of me, taking over me like tentacles. I don't even want to be in control anymore, but they do, so I let them consume me, body and soul and watch as everything comes crashing down around me.

As Hayden's on her knees moaning and riling up the crowd, Naomi sneaks up behind her and puts her boot on her lower back, strumming her guitar in a pattern that definitely doesn't suggest she's onboard with this performance. Goddamn it and crap, I think as the rest of the band follows Naomi's lead and switches into a completely different song. This is exactly what I need. Naomi trusted me enough to bring me into the fold, but at the same time, I can't abandon Hayden. If I do, she'll sink faster than the fucking Titanic. I know things nobody else does. She doesn't deserve this, even if everyone else thinks she does. At least this explains Naomi's supposed meekness. That girl goes straight for the throat.

I watch as Hayden's entire body goes still, like she's caught in a time warp, a frozen entity completely at odds with the writhing chaos around us. Please God, let her make a good decision right now. Naomi keeps strumming her guitar, moving us along into that Believe song, the one we've never played before. I have no choice but to follow along with her. It feels like a betrayal, but what else can I do? I take my frustration out on my cymbals, smashing the wooden sticks into the metal like they fucking owe me.

“I can't believe I was ever that stupid,” Naomi sings, bending down low and breathing into Hayden's microphone. It only lasts a second before Hayden is standing up and spinning away. Naomi moves back in a turn, wrapping the cord of her guitar around her ankles and owning it like she's Turner Campbell incarnate. She retreats back to her own mic just in time to sing the next verse. “And I can't believe I was ever that young. That my heart beat that fast. That my voice sung that bright. I can't believe I ever fell in love with you.”

The crowd flips shit, exploding with excitement and barely restrained violence. Naomi is owning it, I'll admit, but this is not my thing. I like a different vibe, a darker, more melodic strand of anarchy and disjointed disapproval. I don't want the fans to lose their minds and go crazy with need. I want them here, with me. I want to hold their hands and show them the other side of life, a different avenue, a beautiful sky. This whole crazy, murder your next door neighbor and smash the venue to shit thing isn't our usual MO. I guess I'm just not used to going onstage after Indecency. Naomi's making things worse, bouncing up and down, destroying her guitar with her pick and belting out the lyrics to a song she knows Hayden doesn't know.

“Most of all, I can't believe that I wanted to believe.” The room is bouncing, the audience taking a page from our books and smashing the floor with vibrations that travel up through the soles of my boots and into my toes, infiltrating my bones and making me grit my teeth. Hayden stands at the side of the stage, completely and utterly lost, sides heaving, mouth turned down in a frown. The cameras keep zooming in on her, flashing her frustration to the world. Hey, if I was worried about my family seeing me, I needn't have been. Doubt I'll be getting any airtime today.

I send up a silent prayer of strength for Hayden to get it together. She's the Queen of Show Business. Pull yourself together, Goddamn it. After another thirty seconds passes however, I can see that she's not going to. Her cheeks are flushed red with rage and her fists are curled so tightly at her sides that her knuckles are white.