Born Wrong(23)

“But I do, Dax. I do.” She sits back hard on the table and the ashtray clinks against the wood. “Why don't you want me?”

“We've been over this again and again and again. I can't sit here and have this conversation with you. I came here as a courtesy.” Hayden laughs bitterly, shaking her head and sending a few stray tears twirling through the air like shooting stars.

“You came here because you had nowhere else to go, Dax. You came here because you were lonely, and that's not fair to me.” She sniffles and leans back a bit, hunching her shoulders forward and emphasizing how thin she's gotten lately. I mean, Hayden's always been skinny, but now she's starting to look gaunt. “But you know, I could live with that. Cassie, though. Why does Naomi have to know about Cassie?”

“Hayden, come on. They all think you're the fucking devil. Don't you want to clear your name? It doesn't have to be like this. Things don't have to end badly. It's not too late. It's really not. We can fix this.” I consider standing up, but my muscles promise me pain if I do. Instead, I lean back and press my back into the wall. I watch Hayden watching me and try to remember back to the first day I met her. She was already pregnant then, but you couldn't tell, not even a little bit. I was never even supposed to find out. Nobody was. Hayden's one of those skinny chicks who can get away with that.

“Dax, please. Enough with the inspirational bullshit.” Hayden puffs away on her joint, her body stretched out across the table, toes just barely touching the floor. The position reminds me of that video, that fucking horrible video. If it was possible, I would wipe that shit from my mind forever. I didn't want to see that, didn't want to know about it. That's what I get for digging into other people's secrets, right? I hope nobody decides to delve that deep into mine. “I'm in this too deep to turn back, but that doesn't necessarily mean it has to all be shit, right?” I just keep staring at Hayden. In the back of my mind, I find my thoughts drifting to that girl, Sydney Charell. She's Trey's sister, so I figure she's got to be bad news, but I can't stop myself from fantasizing about her. It can't hurt, right? As long as I keep my thoughts to myself.

“If you're waiting for me to respond, I have nothing to say. They tortured you, Hayden. They're keeping you away from your daughter. How is any of that good news?” We've been over these points a dozen or more times, but no matter what I say, it doesn't make any difference to her. She's bound and determined to see this through, for one reason or another.

“You love Naomi?” Hayden asks, tilting her head to the side. She removes the joint from her thin lips and sucks in a deep breath. I roll my eyes to the ceiling and then close them. We've been over that, too, and I'm sick of talking about it. I haven't told Hayden about the rejection I got today. Why should I? I might be an emo bitch, right, but I'm still a guy. I have pride issues just like the rest of 'em. “Look, I'm tired of chasing after you, Dax. I told you how I feel about you. If you don't feel the same way, well, then all I want is to see you happy.”

“Hayden,” I begin, but she's not done. Instead, she jumps off the table and throws her joint onto the floor, stepping over it like she doesn't have a care in the world. I sit up straight as she comes towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck and touching her cheek to mine.

“If you could have her, would you?” she whispers, breath hot against my ear. I reach up and put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her back a step.

“What?”

“If you could have Naomi, would you?”

“What kind of a fucking question is that? She's in love with Turner. It's never going to happen, Hayden.” She smiles at me and stands up straight, moving away with a smile and a small laugh that scares the shit out of me. Her gaze pans across the white walls, the windows, and comes to rest on a small painting of a fox that adorns the empty space next to the bathroom door. She stands there for awhile, too long in my opinion, and then turns to face me with a grin.

“I could make it happen, Dax. We, we could make it happen.” Chills creep down my spine and I have a hard time swallowing. I run some fingers through my hair and try to imagine a way out of this situation. I need to get out of here before Hayden implicates herself. I just can't do this. I can't. I fucking can't. I'm tired of being the nice guy. It hurts. It sucks. It takes way less energy to just be a dick. I should take a page from Turner's book and start flipping the bird at everyone.

“Don't,” I warn her with a growl. And then I have to fucking wonder why it is that I'm so angry. Am I angry at Hayden for implicating I join her on the frigging dark side? Or am I angry because it's almost tempting? No. No. I'm not like that. I am not fucking like that.