He knew that the small flicker of attraction he had guessed at between them was a ferocious fire that didn’t happen every day.
He fabricated this fire for the screen, created chemistry with a co-star for public consumption. Forced into intimacy, sometimes it even felt real. But he had learned that it was anything but. That it fragmented under the reality of life.
But this woman in his arms now, the fever in his muscles as she clung to him, it was more real than anything he had known in the last few years. The glittering pain in her eyes, the tremble in her voice when she spoke of the man she had lost, they were all too real.
And the way every inch of him curled and tightened in hunger, everything about this heat…was real, and sharp and all consuming. Suddenly, his body, feeling the effect of his celibacy during his divorce last year, demanded release. But it was this woman he wanted.
Sinking his fingers into her hair, John tugged her face up. And found her mouth with his.
He felt the shock that vibrated through her in her stillness. Her hands stilled on his chest, her dark black eyes staring at him with a mixture of startling desire and flickering fear. ‘This…this isn’t right,’ she whispered, even as her eyes glinted with hunger.
Loosening his grip in her hair, he traced the lush bow of her mouth with his lips, coaxing her, teasing her, begging her to open up for him. ‘Nothing that feels like this is wrong, Tanya.’ His thumbs traced the long column of her neck, and he waited.
She trembled again, her hands climbed up his chest, pressed into his shoulders and finally sank into his hair. His breaths coming harsh and slow, John struggled to hold himself still under her tentative touch, struggled to contain the force of his desire. His heartbeat rang in his ears like the beat of a drum.
Finally, she moved under his mouth and the tentative feathering shattered his control. He nipped her lower lip, urging her on. With a groan, she opened her mouth and John felt an erotic heat claim him.
As if it was his first kiss, as if his breath depended on it, John stroked her tongue with his, tugged his teeth over her lower lip. Felt the need in him spiral, demand more.
His groan amplified in the silent street, he stroked her lower lip, his self-control slowly but surely unraveling. His hands roved over her hips, climbed up her back. When his fingers grazed the underside of her breast, she jerked away, her gaze dark and unfocused, her chest falling and rising.
Her gaze lingered on his mouth, his hair, which she had sunk her fingers into, and then she looked down at her own clothes… A sound of utter disgust broke free from her lips. Her fingers shook as she straightened her jacket and then her shirt.
John reached for her, the slow hum of desire just as strong. He wanted nothing more than to make love to her, to give them both the relief they both so desperately craved, but he held the incessant peal of desire at bay.
He lifted her chin, tenderness filling him. ‘Tanya…it’s ok.’
Shaking her head, she pushed his hand away. ‘It’s not okay, John.’
The intensity of the attraction between them shook him, too. And after the past few years, when he had struggled to figure out what was real and what wasn’t, the depth of tenderness and heat he felt for her was like a gift more than anything else.
Fighting the urge to take her in his arms again, he spoke to her softly. ‘I know why it rattles you so much. It does me too, Tanya. But the connection we have, it doesn’t happen every day. It’s more than just lust.’
‘Of course, it’s just desire. And that’s bad enough.’ She turned towards the car, turning her back and he let her catch her breath. ‘I…I’ve never behaved like this. I mean…even with Sunny, I waited until we were married. And we didn’t even get to learn each other in that way completely…Whereas you...why is it so good between us? Why does it feel so right?’
John waited patiently, even as everything inside him braced against her words. He felt her withdrawal as tangibly as if a punch had landed in his gut, could see her pull back into herself. And there was nothing he could do about it.
She ran a hand over her face and looked at him. There was anger in her gaze and pain so deep that John only wanted to close his arms around her again. ‘The only excuse I have is that it’s you. You’re this fantasy I’ve had for so long. And you kiss…you kiss like you can steal the breath from my lungs and fill it with your own.
God, why did it have to be you tonight?
You are not real to me, John. For all the claims I made, you’ll always be John Patel to me. The fictionalised version of the perfect man that I was half in love with, growing up.
And you…you would turn any girl’s head.’
Chapter Five
For the second time that day, Tanya pulled up against the curb of the Chatsfield, her grip on the steering wheel shaky at best. The drive back to London had been the most nerve-wracking drive of her life. She had been aware of each and every one of her own breaths, equally thankful and resenting of the silence behind her.
Regret filled her. She had been cruel, lashing out against him for what he made her feel. It was her fault. And yet he had been nothing but the perfect gentleman, having walked away without a word.
She had broken every boundary of professional behavior, and had crossed a personal one. Self-disgust roiled in her mouth as she remembered how easily she had let him kiss her, had let the memories of Sunny fade under the toe-curling pleasure of his caress, of how she had shuddered when his tongue had touched hers.
How could she have let him kiss her like that? How could she have liked it so much? How was it that, even now, every inch of her thrummed with awareness and longing?
Not even the fact that it was past midnight and she was tired could blunt her awareness of the man in the backseat.
Every sense was heightened as she engaged the parking gear and waited for him. Sensing his reluctance, even the uniformed guard hesitated next to the car, his hand outstretched, ready to open the door for John.
She could feel his gaze on her, every hair on her nape standing to attention. Could feel the taste of him in her mouth, could feel the tension spiraling through her.
‘I’m going to get a drink in the bar. Come and join me, Tanya.’
Had he any idea how tempting his offer was? How hard he was making it on her by being so understanding?
She kept her gaze focused on the dashboard, the shining display glowing in her eyes. Keep it professional.
‘Will you need me again tonight, Mr Patel?’
‘This last year, my life’s been horrific. My ex thought I cheated on her, I was a stranger to my own daughter, and I...I haven’t laughed so much in months as I did today,’ he said with infinite patience. ‘I won’t lay a finger on you. We’ll just have a drink and talk. You can tell me how bad my acting was in the latest movie. And then I’ll be gone in the morning. But if you’re determined to let guilt ruin you for feeling alive, then be my guest.’
He got out of the car without another glance in her direction.
It was what she wanted. Wasn’t it?
The small space reverberating with his cutting remark, Tanya let out a shaky breath. Shuddering under the weight of her own guilt, she drove the car around to the parking arena.
She settled into the chaise in the waiting hall, and felt tears prickle at the back of her eyes. Trying to hold them back, she poked through her bag, looking for her phone.
She clicked on Sunny’s picture and drew a deep breath at that silly grin he always wore.
She couldn’t cry anymore. She had cried so much those first few months until she thought her head would explode with the pain. Flipping through the pictures, she clicked on a video clip he had sent her once when he’d gone out of town.
I love you, babe. Your laughter, your happiness, it’s all that I ever want.
Something in that smile, this time instead of sending her into a spiral of grief again, sent a ray of courage through her. He was gone, but he would have never wanted for her to feel guilty or to shut herself away for the rest of her life.
Leaning back, she closed her eyes and instantly a smiling, charming, gorgeous face appeared in her mind’s eye. Not Sunny’s but John’s.
The craggy angles of his face, his unruly, crisp hair, the dimple he got on one rugged cheek when he smiled, the ripple in his hard body when she had kissed his lower lip…
Was she okay with never seeing him again?
He had been her teenage crush, an exaggerated fantasy that had appealed to a girl who had barely known life. But the man he was beneath that, Tanya realised, was a man worth knowing. He seemed real, flawed, kind. The fire that had claimed them when their lips met… it had never been like that before. This interesting man, the way he’d made her feel, Tanya didn’t want to say goodbye to that yet.
Sitting up, she pushed her hair back. On shaky legs, she moved towards the door, the idea of joining John at the bar gaining momentum inside her. The sheer decadence of the lounge that she could see instantly punctured her exhilaration.
She ran a hand down her shirt and trousers. Her uniform was strictly designed to say hired chauffeur. It wasn’t rumpled but if she went in dressed like this, she would feel even more out of her element.
As if having a drink with a man who looked like every woman’s fantasy come alive wasn’t intimidating enough.
She rifled through her handbag and found her phone, frowning. Could she ask him to join her here? Would he come? Was it too public? Had what she said in an attempt to protect herself been unforgivable?