Body Shot (Last Shot)(88)
Marco lifted one dark eyebrow. “You’re worried about her aunt and uncle?”
Beck shrugged. “Yeah, sure. They’re people.”
Cade laughed. “You love her. That’s why you give a shit about her family.”
Beck grimaced. “Okay, maybe.”
“Pretty sure she’s in love with you too. I don’t think she was miserable because of her aunt and uncle, or losing that grant. She’s miserable because she lost you. When I told her your dad had a heart attack, she was worried. And not just about your dad, she was worried about you. Then when I told her you’d gone back to Boston, and your parents wanted you to stay there, she damn near dropped.”
“Fuck. Seriously?” Beck stared at Marco.
“Yeah. Jesus, man, you insulted her not only by offering her money, but by never telling her that you had money.”
“I didn’t insult her!”
“Well, yeah, that wasn’t your intent, but that was how she took it, clearly.”
“I just wanted to help. I just wanted to make her life a little easier. She’s killing herself working so hard. She’s going to end up like my fucking father, having a heart attack or something, which is really ironic since her mission in life is to save people. Jesus Christ.”
“Maybe you should tell her that.”
“She told me to get lost, in no uncertain terms.”
“Oh, come on.” Cade sighed. “Sack up.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means you’re scared.”
Beck narrowed his eyes.
Cade met his gaze head-on, eyebrows lifted. “Remember how fucking terrified you were to jump out of a plane?”
“Yeah.” Beck continued his steady glare.
“Feel that way now?”
Fuck, yeah. But what was he scared of?
Cade continued. “Remember when you had to climb a rock face? How you had to learn not to look down or you’d freak out?”
“What’s your point?” Beck growled.
“We all had to overcome fears,” Cade said. “Whatever they were. How’d we learn to do that?”
“Focus on what you can control,” Beck said slowly.
“Right. Don’t focus on the things you can’t control. Just on what you can. Focus on your next move.”
He nodded. His head was messed up. He didn’t even know what he was afraid of, so he sure as hell didn’t know what to focus on. He rubbed his face. “Okay, right,” he said. “I’ll, uh, give that some thought.” He paused. “Thanks, guys. And thanks for looking after things while I was gone.”
“Whatever you need, man.” Cade clapped a hand on his shoulder as the three of them left the office. “Whatever you need.”
Beck couldn’t hang around there. The noise and laughter made his head hurt. He needed to think. So he went home.
He poured himself a shot of Don Alvaro and carried it out onto his patio. He leaned on the railing, looking out toward the bay. City lights glimmered in the distance.
For some reason, he found himself thinking about Tom Devereux—another member of SEAL Team One. A teammate he’d come to despise. They’d been on a mission in Ramadi, Iraq, and Devereux had lost it. He’d let the fear get to him and it turned him into a coward. Beck knew the reason he hated Devereux and his weakness—it was because he feared that weakness in himself.
He was afraid of heights. He’d hated that. But even more than heights, he was afraid of not being brave enough. Not being smart enough. Not being…enough.
And now his biggest fear of all was not being good enough for Hayden.
That was what he was afraid of.
The tequila warmed his insides as he swallowed a mouthful.
He loved her. He could tell himself it was just fun and sex, but it had become so much more than that. She obviously didn’t feel the same though, since she’d dumped his ass.
“I can’t control how Hayden feels about me,” he said aloud into the night air.
Which fucking sucked.
Despair made his lungs burn, and the city lights blurred in front of him.
He’d never wanted to have a family, because his own family had been so messed up. But he wanted Hayden.
As a SEAL, he’d been trained to assess, prioritize, and act. He needed to assess this situation.
Except it was so fucking hard when his heart felt like it’d been struck with shrapnel.
“Think, man,” he mumbled, taking another sip of tequila.
He considered his options. Never seeing her again. His gut cramped. What could he do?
He could tell her how he felt. Maybe she didn’t feel the same, but he could make sure she knew he hadn’t been insulting her. Make sure she knew she was amazing and beautiful and he loved her—even if she didn’t love him back.