Blue Lines(94)

“Tell me,” he said encouragingly.

Letting out a long breath, she said, “I’m scared.”

“Scared? I don’t believe that. You are fearless.”

If only he knew. She shook her head as she looked down at where his hands held hers.

“I’m scared that I’m going to be a horrible mom, Erik. I’m afraid he is going to hate me. I’ve never done this before and I have no clue what I’m doing. Harper is still broken over her miscarriages and I know that if I ask her to help me with the baby, she will want to raise Dimitri and then I’ll never be able to be a mom.”

“Piper,” he said with a shake of his head, “you know that will never happen. Don’t get mad, but you are just really emotional right now, and that What to Expect book said that things like this will come up. It’s normal; just calm down.”

She looked up at him. “You read my book?”

“I glanced through it. I worry about you.”

Her heart expanded as she held his gaze. He had to care about her, love her even, so why couldn’t he just tell her that?

“That book has a lot of information, Erik, but it doesn’t tell me how to reassure myself that you aren’t leaving. That’s what I’m most afraid of,” she said softly, and watched as he looked away.

“Piper, why are you even thinking about that? We don’t have to worry about that right now.”

She shook her head as tears gathered in her eyes. “No, I have to worry about it now because I have to prepare myself for you leaving. I don’t want you to go, Erik. I want you to stay.”

He cupped her face, bringing it up to look at him. “I can guarantee you that I don’t want to go, but I can’t say I’ll stay.”

“What does that even mean?” she asked as the tears started to fall. “Either you want to be with me or you don’t.”

“Piper, it’s not that easy.”

“How do you figure? I am invested here. I feel like this is a one-sided relationship.”

“That’s not true,” he said, shaking his head.

“You have never reassured me about us at all; you won’t even have sex with me!”

Erik shook his head as he let out a long breath.

“You don’t have sex, Piper. You make love and I don’t. I do it for pleasure and until I know that I want more than that, I can’t touch you that way. I am thinking of you. It’s going to be hard if I leave but don’t you think it would be even more difficult if we were having sex?”

Piper nodded. “Yes, but I need some kind of reassurance that you do want me, that you don’t want to leave me.”

“Even if I do leave, I’ll always be there for you; maybe not the way I am now, but I will be there when you need me.”

“I want you to stay, Erik, with me and the baby,” Piper said, moving her hands out of his to wipe her tears.

“I can’t guarantee you that, baby. Training camp is about to start and then I’ll be traveling for preseason. I have never been so nervous about that in my life, but I am now because I’m not sure if I’ll hurt you or not. I don’t want to break my promise to you but I don’t know what it is going to be like when I’m back playing hockey. It’s easy now. I am with you all the time, but when I’m gone, I don’t know what will happen, if I can be faithful.”

Piper had a look of disbelief as she shook her head. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You don’t know if you are going to cheat so that’s what is keeping you from committing to me?”

“Yes, and it isn’t stupid. I care about you, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You are hurting me because I don’t know what is going to happen and I’m scared.”

“I told you I was trying,” Erik said, looking into her eyes. “You said that was enough.”

“I don’t know if it is anymore.”

Silence filled the room. She didn’t know what she just said, but it might have been the start of a breakup. That wasn’t what she wanted but maybe it was what was needed. Something needed to change, someone needed to make a move and she felt like if she didn’t, he never would.

“I don’t know what to say,” he said softly.

“I don’t, either,” she said with a shake of her head. Moving her legs off him, she stood up and when she reached for her Kindle, he took hold of her wrist.

“We are not okay, are we?”

Looking up into his eyes, she shook her head. “No, we’re not.”

Pulling her wrist out of his hand, she turned and left the room. Once in her bedroom, she shut the door softly, leaning her forehead against it as the tears fell down her cheeks. Taking in a shuddering breath, all she could think about was: