Blue Lines(87)

Piper didn’t move.

After their blowup they had spoken very little all day. Every time she thought of Erik as a scared thirteen-year-old with a gun held to his head, her heart broke and tears fell in heaps. Why would someone do that to a child? Piper had no doubt that his horrible upbringing had affected him. But now she was in love with someone who was frightened and fought against what they could have together. Dimitri needed his daddy and Piper had to reassure Erik that he could not only love someone, but also be loved in return, and that he was deserving of this family.

He moved closer to her. She held her breath when he took her hips in his hands and squeezed. Not saying anything, Piper waited as he held her. When she felt his forehead on her back, she closed her eyes, begging her tears not to come. She could feel his breath on her spine as his hands massaged her hips.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered faintly.

She didn’t say anything; she didn’t know what to say. She wanted to turn around, wrap her arms around his neck, and just hold him but she needed to wait. She needed to see what else he would say.

“I’m sorry that I can’t commit to you, Piper. A part of me wants to, but not all of me is ready yet. You deserve a man who wants to fully commit to you and I don’t know if I’m that man.”

He paused. Was he leaving now? Was this the last time she would be able to feel him like this? Closing her eyes tight to hold back her tears, she let out a long breath. He went on: “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t expect you to stay around and deal with my shit, but I just want you to know that I want to try, but I don’t know how. I’m afraid that if I fuck up I’ll lose you.”

God, he was the most confusing man on earth.

Turning over and pulling herself out of his arms, she placed her hands under her face and looked at him. His hair was a mess, his eyes looked bloodshot, and she could tell he was really upset. She didn’t like seeing him this way; she wanted to make it better. The fixer in her was begging to fix him, but how? Reaching over, she placed her hand on his cheek, watching as he moved into her hand, closing his eyes as his hand came to rest upon hers.

“Do you want to leave?”

He looked up at her and shook his head. “No.”

“I don’t want you to leave, either. I’m scared, too, Erik, but I want to try.”

He shook his head, taking in a deep breath before opening his eyes to look at her. “I don’t know how.”

Piper’s lip curled into a little smile as she looked deep into his eyes. “I’m not saying that we have to declare love and promise we will stay together forever, Erik. I just want you to give me a chance. Let the walls down; let us see if it is worth staying together.”

Erik swallowed loudly as he rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” she said simply.

“You have so much faith in me,” he said, glancing over at her. “I don’t deserve it.”

She smiled. “I think you do.”

He reached over and, taking hold of her arm, pulled her to him. He kissed her temple and left his nose there as he took a deep breath. “I want to try, but I can’t guarantee you anything.”

Piper nodded. A part of her warned her that this might blow up in her face and break her heart, while the other part of her said there was no other way. She had to try because she loved him and she wasn’t ready to give up on him yet.

She nodded and said, “So we’re gonna try.”

Erik nodded against her temple. “Under two conditions.”

Conditions?

“And they are?” she asked.

Piper felt his lips turn up in a smile as he said, “I get to sleep in this bed.”

A smiled pulled at her lips as she nodded. “We can work that out.”

“Good,” he said, placing a kiss right beside her eye, “and I want to take you out tomorrow, like a date.”

“A date, huh?”

He moved his hand across her belly to her hip and pulled her close before resting his hand on her belly. “Yes, let’s go shopping for the little man, just the two of us, and then we’ll go to lunch.”

She smiled as she nodded, leaning up to look at him. “I’ll be there.”

Happy with her answer, Erik leaned down to her, stopping only inches from her mouth. “Or you’ll be square.”

Piper giggled as his lips came down on hers, and as she kissed Erik, she couldn’t help but feel like she was flying. Nothing was certain but they were going to try, and that was good enough for her.

* * *

“I like the black sleigh one.”

Erik looked from the white crib that had a really nice backboard that would be the headboard once Dimitri got old enough for a twin bed, to the black sleigh crib that Piper was standing next to. He hadn’t realized that choosing baby furniture was so difficult.