Blue(11)

He was my idol. I could have forgiven his shortcomings, even those some might consider unforgivable. Except, he was a cheater. Destroying my image of him as a faithful, loving husband, and father was unforgivable.

The anxiety of whether she would ask, and the shame of what had happened, began to sicken me. Unable to calm my riotous insides, riddled with guilt, I left. I will tell her the truth, and soon, but I didn't want to ruin our reunion   with the dirty truth.

§

I sense him the minute I leave The Waters, the bar his mother and sister own. The place is named after Thomas Moore's The Meeting of the Waters; like the sentiment of the poem, it's meant to be a place of love and friendship.

While my parents owned half of the bar, I gave it to Carys years ago. Running the bar was always her dream. She wanted to follow in her dad's footsteps. Besides, she's the one with the business degree, and she's done a great job at bringing the old Irish bar into the twenty-first century.

He's still on me and I wonder if I should just confront him right now? But I'm not ready to face him. In my rush to see Carys, I didn't think about how I'd explain where I'd been and what I'd been doing.

Originally, I wanted to give them enough of the story to buy time-time for them to get over how I'd left, and to once again accept me as part of their lives.

But I hadn't determined how best to keep the ugly truth a secret for a bit longer without lying to them, and now he's on my heels. I had every intention of going to him next, but fuck, on my terms.

As I enter my small apartment, he pushes on my back and barrels in after me.

"Van." His voice deep and hard.

I turn and see Rylan Wolfe, my best friend and Carys's brother, standing before me. Damn, it's fucking good to see him in the flesh. I've missed him, but I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual.

In addition to relief, there's anger-or is it hatred swimming in his blue eyes? It's a jab to the chest. I never expected all hugs and laughs, but seeing his fury at me is hard to take. I can't fault him. I not only left Ma and Carys, I also left him. He's as pissed as his sister.

And fuckin' Dex. He stands beside Ry, the two of them intent on raining hell down on me. I can't say I blame them, although I'd like to dish out my own shit on Dex right now. This is what I get for not trusting my gut.

Dex found me earlier today and I couldn't believe it. I didn't see him coming; that was on me. I was sloppy and took my eye off the ball, so consumed with what I'd learned when tracking Greg that I let my only weakness, Carys, blind me for a second, and that was all he needed.

I couldn't shake the gnawing feeling that I was deliberately careless. I went the better part of two and a half years undetected, and today of all days, Dex spots me on the fucking streets of Manhattan, and in his neighborhood, no less.

While getting ready to come out of hiding, it's as if I let things slide. I let myself get spotted.

When Dex confronted me, he explained that they'd been searching for me for years. This wasn't news to me. While all my time undercover had been in hiding, I'd spent half of it covering my tracks, checking over my shoulder. I had not only the best men-my men-looking for me, I also had Ry and Tripp. I couldn't fucking rest.


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Fortunately, they overlooked what I'd counted on them dismissing: their own back yard. I was right under their fucking noses. The best hiding place is in plain sight.

While they traveled far and wide in search of me, I was in the city the whole time. I wasn't proud or smug about how hard I made it to find me. I was deliberate in keeping them at a distance and out of harm's way. It had to be that way.

The biggest problem of being in New York City, being so close to them, was that I lived a hell I never knew existed. I paid for the sins of another, while I watched my girl mourn me, hate me, and move on.

The heaviness in my stomach intensifies as my guilt gets the better of me-guilt for pulling the wool over on my men and my family, and for hurting the only people who love me, no matter what.

When Dex and I talked, I made him promise not to tell anyone and told him I'd explain everything soon, told him I'd be coming out of hiding and he'd have his answers, if he could just give me more time. He agreed. I should have known he was lying.

I suppose he felt betrayed, and because of that, had no qualms about breaking our code and going straight to Ry. Now they're on my doorstep, expecting answers I'm not prepared to give. Worst of all, Sweetness-the one reason I came back-is not only angry at me, she's planning the future we were supposed to have with someone else.