"Nope."
I can't tell him Evan's back. I can't tell him that I came alive tonight for the first time in years because the man who took my heart with him is back.
He kisses my temple and begins to massage my scalp. "Let me see if I can help."
My stomach churns at his considerate gesture. I don't deserve this. Greg's a good guy, not only because he does things like this, tries to ease my nonexistent headache, but because he's kind and patient, even though he knows I'm not all in.
We met at a party and by the end of the night, he'd asked me out. I said yes, although my inclination was to decline. I was determined to get over Evan, and every attempt until that point had failed miserably.
From our first date, I was honest. I didn't give details, but told him I was not ready for a relationship. It's like I never said anything because from day one, he's been fully invested. I tried to end things as early as three months into our relationship and as recently as two months ago, but he resists. He tells me it's okay, no pressure. He'll wait, I'm worth it.
I'm a shit.
"Mmm, that feels good, but you don't have to. I'm going to take a hot shower and go to bed. Why aren't you working?"
"I was, and I've got to go back. I came by to pick up my dry cleaning because I'm running low on clean suits at the office, and I got sidetracked by your pad thai."
///
Opening my eyes, I smile. He has a weakness for my pad thai. His brown eyes are warm, as they always are when directed at me, and his dirty blond hair is in disarray. He has this cute but incessant habit of running his hands through his hair, which usually means he has perpetual bedhead.
"Good, it was for you." I pat his knee as I stand.
Grabbing me around the waist, he pulls me into his lap. With his hands on me, I instantly and regretfully compare the charged way I reacted to Evan earlier to the absence of that sensation now. Greg's touch is comforting, not electric.
He places his lips on me, kissing as his hands roam my body. At first, I try to silence my inner turmoil at how I can't do this right now. I try to be in the moment, be with him, but it feels wrong. It feels like I've cheated on him, even though I haven't.
My body and heart are true and loyal to Evan Hart. Despite my anger and pain, I still want him. I have no intention of acting on it, ever, but I need time to adjust to his return.
Pulling away, I give the lamest but age-old excuse: "Babe, I've got a headache."
"Sorry. Yeah, I should get back to work. If we get started, I'm not going to want to leave." Smiling, he stands and gently kisses my forehead. "Get some rest and I hope you feel better tomorrow. I'll be back later, but I'll probably be gone again before you wake up."
"Okay. Don't stay too late," I say, although that's exactly what he'll do.
After my shower, I crawl into bed at barely eight o'clock in the evening. I need this day to be over. With the curtains open, I curl on my side and stare out the window, not fixed on or thinking of anything in particular. My vision blurs as I shut out my competing emotions. Only when a tear slides off the tip of my nose am I forced to face my conflict.
They're tears of joy and sorrow. I'm thrilled that he's alive, back and safe, but I'm also desolate because he's unattainable. As I wipe my tears, the cold, harsh truth fires a shiver through me. It's something I'm just going to have to live with but never act on. From my heart's first beat, it's belonged to Evan Hart, and as time has passed, the beat has only gotten stronger, deeper, louder.
When he went away, I struggled to exist, to breathe. Today, his presence awakened me with my blood rocketing through my veins and my insides uncomfortably heating. My love for him is as strong as ever, as limitless as the sky, but I swear, I'm going to remain firmly planted on the ground.
§
Evan
DINNER WITH MA WAS great. I'd finally come home, and the woman loved me like her own. She only reinforced that tonight when she told me she never gave up on me. No matter how little I told her, she didn't press for information or details I wasn't prepared to give. She was satisfied and focused on me being back, not what had happened.
I was prepared to talk about Carys, to explain why I'd left her daughter, but she didn't bring it up. I'm no fool-she'll ask eventually-but for now, she was content with having me home.
There were a few questions that edged into the no-go zone, and I did my best to dodge them without lying. I had to figure out how to tell them the truth, even though I was still grappling with what I'd learned about my father.