She helped him take care of the dishes, but still couldn’t find the motivation for conversation. Her sadness lay heavily on her soul. He kissed her gently again before she opened the door to her SUV. He would be riding today, and she wasn’t dressed for a bike. He stayed behind her all the way to the clubhouse, watching. She knew there were charters and friends coming in from all over, but that knowledge hadn’t prepared her for the glinting sea of Harleys, spotted with a few cars, that had flooded the space in front of the clubhouse. She could see, though, that space had been left for her vehicle and Paul’s bike.
She stopped dead at the clubhouse door. Her brother was inside, or at least the shell that had housed his spirit was. If she didn’t go in she could maintain the illusion, keep the hope that he might walk through the door one day. If she went through the door, if she followed the day on its course, Dean would be gone irrevocably. There would be no denying it after this. Paul’s hand at the small of her back reminded her that standing still was not an option.
He pushed open the door for her and maintained the firm pressure that forced her, and gave her the strength to walk forward. Not a great lover of being the center of attention at the best of times, Ashleigh nearly bolted when a hush fell over the room and every head turned in her direction. Not knowing how else to proceed, she scanned the room, looking for her parents. Paul gave her a small nudge in the right direction, towards the Chapel.
The room was crowded and heavy with people, but they parted as one to allow her through. Her mother and father were stood in the Chapel with the casket, with... she didn’t want to think it... with... Dean’s casket. Her mother looked, to her familiar eye, brittle. She was pale and drawn, but every inch the first amongst the Old Ladies. Her hair was neat, her spine was straight, and careful makeup was hiding the ravages of her grief. Her father seemed to have visibly aged years in the past few days; his hair seemed a little greyer, the lines on his weatherworn face a little deeper. He had lost some of the spark of vitality that had always lit up any room he’d walked into.
She was sure that her mother and father had done their wailing and crying, but they had done it where no one could see. They weren’t the kind of people who tamped their emotions down, but neither did they believe in making an exhibition of their feelings.
Dolly was standing next to her mother, and Terry next to her father. Dolly’s eyes were red-rimmed, and she was twisting a fabric handkerchief around her fingers. If Ashleigh’s heart hadn’t been numb, it would have gone out to Dolly and Terry. They hadn’t been able to have children of their own, and Ashleigh knew that they had considered her and Dean their offspring as much as her own parents did.
The rest of the club members were arrayed beyond Terry in a familiar order, Dizzy, Kong, Fletch, Chiz, Tag, Crash, Sinatra and Morse. She wondered where Geoff was, but she didn’t look for him. Fletch was leaning heavily on a cane. Chiz looked somewhat lost without his crutches, she’d become so used to seeing them. He was favoring his right leg, but otherwise upright by his own power. Morse looked pale and tired, even so early in the day, but he was there. It was a somber Guard of Honor.
Ashleigh went to her father first. She could tell by the stiff way that he leaned down to kiss her cheek, by the way that he didn’t even attempt to hold her, that he had made a tight fist around his emotions. She didn’t resent that, she was secure in his love and ready to support him in whatever he needed to do to get through this day. Her mother’s lips twisted into a sort of smile before she too kissed Ashleigh on the cheek. Her mother hadn’t been sure that she would come and was glad that she had.
She allowed Paul to guide her over to the casket. She knew he felt the reluctance in her steps as they approached the long, black lacquered box resting on the massive table. She could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she had entered this room, but she new the table was usually surrounded by chairs, which she could see had been pushed back along the walls.
She hadn’t seen her brother’s body since the accident that had claimed his life. The last time she had seen him had been the Friday night before the accident. They had played a couple of games of pool before he’d disappeared into his dorm room with Tricia and Katie. It had appeared that he’d been coming around to her and Paul being a couple, even though he’d advised them both against it. He’d laughed and joked with them, although she noticed that he wasn’t completely relaxed. She’d put it down to brotherly petulance at having his advice ignored.