A person can only lose so much before God or whatever force there is shines a light upon him or her. That light for me was an orphanage where I learned how to be me. I learned to be strong, because the nuns were strong. I learned how to be fast, because the mean kids at school were faster. I learned to be cruel in response to cruelty being inflicted upon me by kids from the town where the orphanage was. But I also learned there were comforts in the world, comforts you had to find. The sound of dishes and humming and singing and cooking. Those were good sounds. Rose gardens with pink roses everywhere-those were beautiful places to hide and be alone. Shredding paper in the head nun's office for fun was a comfort. The smell of shredded paper still makes me smile. The nuns loved us in their capacity and treated us with kindness and grace. They taught us to be good people.
When you lose everything, you are grateful for the little things you find.
His fingers tracing the scar where I lost the ability to ever have children is a little thing. He knows what the scar is, and yet he is making up a backstory to be with me. Maybe it's only in this moment, maybe it's for the rest of my life, maybe it's for a year. It doesn't matter, because to an orphan like me an hour like this one is something to cherish. And working with people like Samantha Barnes is perspective a person can always use. My parents loved me, I'm sure of that. I'm sure they never meant to leave me behind. And at the very least, they never harmed me. They never left me to kill myself in a concrete room out of desperation to stop myself from becoming them.
No, my parents and my twin sister were good people.
I close my eyes, grateful he is here, and let him be bigger than anything else in the world. And if we wake up in the morning and decide we don't need a backstory, I will be grateful we had tonight because it was more than I ever imagined.
EPILOGUE
A YEAR LATER
I creep into the town house, worried about what I might find. The smell is amazing, but it's silent. I tiptoe into the kitchen to find nothing but the oven on and some dishes in the sink. The table in the dining room is set, with wineglasses and a pink rose across my plate. The living room is empty, and Binx is nowhere to be seen. My heart is racing, my mouth is dry, and I'm not sure of exactly what to expect, but I know it's going to be bad. He's such a diva, drama queen, and emotional mess. I can't take it.
I almost turn and run from the house, but the sight of the engagement ring on my left hand makes me stop. I said yes. We made a plan, and I agreed to it. I can't run now. It's too late. And I don't want to anyway. The ring brings a grin to my lips.
I walk to the bedroom, feeling like I might faint or be sick any second. He's sitting in a chair in the corner, alone in the dark like Norman Bates. It's creepy, but I walk into the room anyway.
"You signed up to do a mind run in the girl they found in the river?"
I nod, even though it's dark and he probably can't see me.
"You promised you wouldn't do any more of them."
I nod again.
"The appropriate response is to argue back, Jane. Jesus." He says it like he's praying.
"I know that. I just don't really have an excuse. She's the girl who was missing from that college out west last spring, the eleventh girl on that case Rory was talking about. She's got defensive wounds, and she's been fed, but she's horribly pale. I don't know a college girl who lets her skin get that pale. She's escaped, and whoever had her is going to be looking for her. It's going to be a small run, I swear. I just need to know who keeps taking them."
"Why? Why can't you wait and see if she wakes up?"
I sit on the chair by the door, not crossing the room. He'll win the argument if he gets near me. He has skills I do not possess. "Because she might wake like me, forgetting everything. Or she might not wake, and he will worry that one of his girls got away. We haven't found a single body of the other ten girls. No one has turned up. He's keeping them alive and torturing them. I know it. When he panics because she's been found, he's going to purge and run, and we're going to lose him. We'll find the girls, but he'll be long gone."
He's silent. He knows I'm right. "I'll give you the day, that's it. Then I want your name out of the hat. No more mind runs."
I crack a grin at my success. "Lucky number eight."
He shakes his head. I barely catch it in the dark, but the annoyed sigh is obvious. I lift my left hand. "Still wearing the ring."
"It's been four hours." He clearly doesn't see how remarkable that is, so I go for the thing I've been holding back.
"I put in for a transfer. Into a profiling position that has no guns, stakeouts, or mind runs. Hardly any travel and no chance of me being killed in any small way, except from boredom."
He's up and out of the chair instantly. Even Binx crosses the room to me. Dash scoops me into his arms, kissing my neck. "That is amazing news. Military profiling-what a great job. I bet it even comes with a raise."
"Yeah," I sigh.
He laughs and carries me to the kitchen. "You are such a baby sometimes." I shrug as he places me down and pulls out my chair. "I made something new."
I wrinkle my nose. "I don't want new."
He rolls his green eyes. "You're getting new. We have to talk about the wedding."
"Just make it whatever you want. I don't honestly care."
His face drops, making me jump up and kiss him quickly. "I mean, I would elope. I don't have family or anything so it doesn't matter to me."
He kisses me back, but it's wooden. "Well, my mother is from Virginia. There is no way I am getting away with anything less than four hundred people. She's already insisted that if I don't bring you there for Christmas in a month I will be an orphan too."
I wince against his face. "Christmas?"
He nods. "It'll be great. You'll have fun. My sister is amazing, and my mother cooks like it was her profession."
"What was her profession?"
"Gossip and charities, mostly, but you'll be fine. She knows you don't have family and grew up in an orphanage. She knows you're not big on sharing or talking or hugging or-"
"I hug!"
"Your cat doesn't count."
I hug Dash harder. "I hug you, and Angie sometimes."
"Okay, I'll strike hugging from the list then." He makes me smile. He kisses my forehead, lingering to breathe me in the way I do Binx. "You don't have to do anything but be you. I don't care if she likes you or not. I love you, Jane Spears. I have loved you since the moment I first saw you."
I narrow my gaze. "In the room where we were doing interviews but really you were testing our mental capabilities?"
He laughs. "That's not the first time I saw you."
"What?"
He shakes his head, kissing my forehead and letting me go so he can grab dinner. He pulls it from the oven, making me suspicious as to what is in the large casserole dish. "No, the first time I saw you was in New York at the UN building. You were summoned to be a bodyguard to a visiting dignitary. You looked through me, like you never even saw me."
"What were you doing there?" I recall the duty, but not Dash.
He grins. "Your security clearance doesn't go that high."
I roll my eyes and take my seat. He places the dish down, taking the lid off slowly. I smile instantly when I see enchiladas from Emily next door. "You dick, I thought for sure you'd cooked up some kind of concoction."
"Not a chance. I got home, and she rushed them over. Gave me this lime mayonnaise to put on top of the sour cream." He grabs the dishes and sits across from me, his green eyes dazzling. "Now that I have your attention, I want you to swear to me that you will come to Virginia for Christmas."
I glance at the dish, fight the bursting smells attacking my nose with tempting scents, and look at the front door. He has me trapped. "Fine, I'll come."
He smiles wide, dishing me up two huge enchiladas. "She said you would be difficult when I told her."
"Who?" I lean over the plate, smelling the steam as he passes me the salsa and sour cream.
"Emily. I asked if she could take care of Binx while we went, and she laughed at me. She said taking you in was like slowly winning over a stray cat, and my mom would have better luck charming a python."
I grin, not insulted in the least. "See, she knows me at least."
He lifts his glass of sangria, forcing me to put down my fork and lift mine. "To you, my savage fiancée. I am so grateful you said yes."
"To Binx, for always being crabby unless he wants something." I scowl and lift my glass just a little higher.
Dash chuckles, giving me the lopsided grin. "You're a pain in the ass."
"I know, but you love me so you're sort of stuck with me."