Blind Item(29)

“I’m gonna miss you, peanut,” she’d said. “But he’s right. It’s time.”

She shook her head to make sure she didn’t cry at the memory. She stuck a finger in the cake frosting and scooped a bit into her mouth.

“The best Ralphs has to offer,” Billy said with a bow.

“Are we gonna get this party started or what?” Kara asked, thrusting the Settlers of Catan box onto the coffee table.

“Settlers of Catan?” whined Billy. “We can’t successfully gossip and play that. It’s too complicated.”

“We’ve done it before,” huffed Kara, removing the lid and dealing out the cards. “And you just cheat at Simpsons Monopoly.”

“So, while mistress is setting up that game, how do we figure out who’s going to go first?” wheedled Billy. “I have so many questions already, and you know, I just bedded a closeted superstar and helped him through an overdose, and we haven’t talked since.”

“Billy’s going first, apparently,” sighed Kara, rolling her eyes as she carefully arranged playing pieces on the coffee table.

“Okay,” said Nicola conspiratorially, moving to the edge of the couch and leaning in. “And I have a great idea. The winner is the person whose news actually derails the game. All in?”

“All in,” Kara and Billy chorused.

While Kara dealt the cards, Billy cut the cake and placed a slice next to each stack. As Nicola made her first play, Billy stood and began his story.

“I was minding my own business down on Santa Monica last week,” he began. “And I went into that weird card shop, and I saw this guy who kinda looked like Ethan Carpenter, if the world’s cutest muscles-and-dimples action star had been on a crack bender and sleeping in a ditch for a week. We made eye contact and I was thinking, damn, if this homeless dude could just clean up his act, he could probably get a show on the CW or at least TNT.

“Sooooo, it was clear that he was cruising me, but a) I’d already hooked up that day and b) come on, even I have standards. And then he said hi. I said hi back, and moved along, keeping my eyes on the greeting cards. And then it got annoying. Wherever I stood, he was right beside me. I walked out of the card shop and went along to that movie memorabilia store and he followed me right in. Then his phone rang, and he looked at it before answering and I saw that it was Crystal Connors calling, and I was like, holy shit, it IS Ethan Carpenter, but damn, he’s been living rough.

“He talked to her for about ten seconds. I couldn’t tell what they were talking about; he kept his other hand over his mouth while he talked. When he hung up, he looked at me and said, ‘So do you wanna get out of here or not?’ I said sure and the next thing you know, I’m in a fucking Cayenne with the darkest windows in the world, speeding to an apartment building in Westwood. Underground parking, private elevator, the whole deal.”

“I love how you moved from homeless-phobia to ‘hey, let’s fuck’ in less than thirty seconds,” Nicola laughed. Billy ignored her.

“I still don’t know if it was actually his place or not. We got inside and he took me into this room; it was weird, it’s like in the middle of the condo, no windows. Not sure what it’s supposed to be in the real world. But he had it set up as a bedroom, and he wanted to get right down to business.

“He was jibber-jabbering the whole time and I knew he was high, but I just couldn’t do anything with him looking like he belonged at a freeway off-ramp, so I convinced him to have a shower, and girls, it was amazing; as soon as the dirt washed off, his star started to sparkle. By the time we got out of the shower, he looked exactly like his movie poster.

“He told me his name was Joe. I said, don’t be that guy, I know who you are. He was shocked. He didn’t understand why I was so evasive at the card store if I knew who he was. His attitude was kind of shitty all along but I figured, here I am, why not help myself to the biggest movie hunk in the world? So we messed around for the rest of the day and night, and even though I never saw him do drugs, I could tell that he was always a bit peppier after a visit to the bathroom. He never offered me anything, but I could tell. And everyone knows it’s rule number one with celebrities—never let anyone see you do drugs. But, you know, he could have offered.…”

“Don’t even joke about that shit, Billy,” Nicola said tersely. “And it’s your turn!”

Billy quickly played his cards, picked up his extras, and continued right where he left off.

“That very next morning, I was trying to get some sleep, my phone was blowing up, and I was starting to make my exit strategy when he comes bounding into the room with a package from Fred Segal. He hands it to me and, ladies, it’s all this clothing that he had delivered for me. It was insane. This shit was nice, and the price tags were still on. He told me to go shower and change, and he’d have the jet ready in two hours so that we could go to Vegas.”