Bless Me, Ultima(97)

“It does not matter,” he answered regretfully, “you will still be with the men, in the fields, and that is what matters. Oh, I would have liked to have sent you to the llano, that is the way of life I knew, but I think that way of life is just about gone; it is a dream. Perhaps it is time we gave up a few of our dreams—”

“Even my mother’s dreams?” I asked.

“Ay,” he murmured, “we lived two different lives, your mother and I. I came from a people who held the wind as brother, because he is free, and the horse as companion, because he is the living, fleeting wind—and your mother, well, she came from men who hold the earth as brother. They are a steady, settled people. We have been at odds all of our lives, the wind and the earth. Perhaps it is time we gave up the old differences—”

“Then maybe I do not have to be just Márez, or Luna, perhaps I can be both—” I said.

“Yes,” he said, but I knew he was as proud as ever of being Márez.

“It seems I am so much a part of the past—” I said.

“Ay, every generation, every man is a part of his past. He cannot escape it, but he may reform the old materials, make something new—”

“Take the llano and the river valley, the moon and the sea, God and the golden carp—and make something new,” I said to myself. That is what Ultima meant by building strength from life. “Papá,” I asked, “can a new religion be made?”

“Why, I suppose so,” he answered.

“A religion different from the religion of the Lunas,” I was again talking to myself, intrigued by the easy flow of thoughts and the openness with which I divulged them to my father. “The first priest here,” I nodded towards El Puerto, “he was the father of the Lunas wasn’t he—”

My father looked at me and grinned. “They do not talk about that; they are very sensitive about that,” he said.

But it was true, the priest that came with the first colonizers to the valley of El Puerto had raised a family, and it was the branches of this family that now ruled the valley. Somehow everything changed. The priest had changed, so perhaps his religion could be made to change. If the old religion could no longer answer the questions of the children then perhaps it was time to change it.

“Papá,” I asked after awhile, “why is there evil in the world?”

“Ay, Antonio, you ask so many questions. Didn’t the priest at the church explain, didn’t you read in your catechism?”

“But I would like to know your answer,” I insisted.

“Oh well, in that case—well, I will tell you as I see it. I think most of the things we call evil are not evil at all; it is just that we don’t understand those things and so we call them evil. And we fear evil only because we do not understand it. When we went to the Téllez ranch I was afraid because I did not understand what was happening, but Ultima was not afraid because she understood—”

“But I took the holy communion  ! I sought understanding!” I cut in.

My father looked at me and the way he nodded his head made me feel he was sorry for me. “Understanding does not come that easy, Tony—”

“You mean God doesn’t give understanding?”

“Understanding comes with life,” he answered, “as a man grows he sees life and death, he is happy and sad, he works, plays, meets people—sometimes it takes a lifetime to acquire understanding, because in the end understanding simply means having a sympathy for people,” he said. “Ultima has sympathy for people, and it is so complete that with it she can touch their souls and cure them—”

“That is her magic—”

“Ay, and no greater magic can exist,” my father nodded. “But in the end, magic is magic, and one does not explain it so easily. That is why it is magic. To the child it is natural, but for the grown man it loses its naturalness—so as old men we see a different reality. And when we dream it is usually for a lost childhood, or trying to change someone, and that is not good. So, in the end, I accept reality—”

“I see,” I nodded. Perhaps I did not understand completely, but what he had said was good. I have never forgotten that conversation with my father.

The rest of the summer was good for me, good in the sense that I was filled with its richness and I made strength from everything that had happened to me, so that in the end even the final tragedy could not defeat me. And that is what Ultima tried to teach me, that the tragic consequences of life can be overcome by the magical strength that resides in the human heart.