Gasping, I cried, “Air!” I reached out for the curtains again with a frantic swipe that only encouraged Calix to tighten his arm around me. “I need air.”
“Shit, love,” Calix pulled me away from the window, dragging me to the bed with him. “Stop struggling.”
I didn’t stop. I needed air. I needed to get outside. I just - I needed to breathe. I knew, distantly, that I was making frantic moaning noises. I knew that I was clawing, reaching, and bucking at him. But I also knew that I was losing a little of my mind. This attack, this was what I had been waiting for from the moment Calix took me. This was me - fighting for the will to breathe. Panting, gasping, and sobbing, I fought the strong arms that held me close as he pulled me across the room to the bed. As soon as we were there, he released one arm from around my stomach while holding me in the other with surprising strength.
In the back of my mind, I registered the duvet blanket being pulled around my body, covering me from chin to toe, before Calix hiked me into his arms. I was a sobbing, panicked mess against his chest as he carried me to the balcony. He was still naked, completely naked, but I was covering him for the most part.
As soon as I felt the cool morning air on my face, my panic subsided and I pulled in deep breaths as though I’d been starved. He set me down in the teardrop swing, where I knew he felt I was hidden from sight, before climbing in with me. I couldn’t help but think, that if anyone were watching, Calix had just mooned them. I clutched the duvet to my chin as he covered himself with a corner.
Looking over at me warily, he asked, “You alright?”
Feeling weak, both mentally and physically, I nodded.
“Talk to me, Nova.”
“Yes,” I responded to his previous question. “I’m okay.”
“What happened?” He asked darkly.
“I don’t know.”
“Nova.” My name on his lips was a slow, deep growl.
I blinked. “I,”
“Nova,” Calix said my name again. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me what happened in there, so we can avoid it in the future.”
“I don’t think it’s something we can avoid.” I looked down.
He cocked his head. “Why not?”
“Calix,” He waited for me to continue, his blue eyes pinned on me. I gulped. “I’m afraid.” I whispered.
His face changed. Quickly. Immensely. And he asked pointedly. “Of what?”
“You.” I replied quickly, dropping my eyes from his handsome face. I couldn’t look at him as I said this - but it needed to be said. I simply wasn’t brave enough - I didn’t possess the courage to look at him as I spoke my fears. “Today. Later.” I gasped again. “I don’t know what you’re going to do to me - you’re going to hurt me so badly.”
He frowned. “What are you talking about, love?”
Another tear slipped from my eye and I let the corner of the duvet catch it. “You said yesterday that you’ve had women, but I haven’t had men.” He hissed in a breath, but I continued before he could say anything. “I don’t have experience - and I always hoped, dreamed, fantasized, that the man I gave myself to would be the man I gave everything to.” I hiccupped. “My heart - just everything.”
“I’ll take everything you want to give me, love.” His voice was dark. “I’d gladly take your heart.”
My eyes lifted. “To do what with, Calix?” I felt a kind of stillness settle over me as I spoke again. “You’ve already taken so much from me, I barely even recognize myself anymore.”
“Baby,” Calix clenched his jaw. “There are things I’ve done that I can’t take back - that I don’t want to take back and wouldn’t even if I could. Taking you is one of those things.” He moved closer to me and I didn’t bother scooting back away from him. There was really no point. He would catch me. Calix McKnight would always catch me. “I took you, Nova - the sooner you accept that this is your life, that I am your life, the sooner you’ll be happy.”
“I just need to feel like I can breathe.” I whispered. “You’re suffocating me.”
He shook his head. “Love,” he pushed his hand beneath my back, tugging me effortlessly against his side. “You belong with me, now. If you need to breathe, you can breathe my air.”
I closed my eyes, hating the fact that as soon as he touched me - pulled me into his side - whispered into my hair, I felt a little calmer. I felt a little more like the world in all its nonsensical ways, was making sense. I knew Calix was right. Somehow, accepting him would be the easier path. But every time I considered allowing myself to fall for him, to consensually marry him, to be with him, I couldn’t help but think of all the ways he’d hurt me. He’d broken me in so many ways, ruined me, and yet when I was a panicked mess, he was the only thing that seemed even remotely capable of calming me down.