When I’d dressed in my wrap, I picked up my still soaked swimsuit from the dock before turning to the house. I walked with Calix following close behind. I took this time to allow my tears to fall, when he couldn’t see my face. As discreetly as I could, I wiped away my tears and steadied my breath as we came to the back door. Calix opened the door to let us inside and I instantly began walking, or running, to the safety of his bedroom. Calix followed behind me without saying a word.
When we were finally standing in his bedroom, Calix moved to turn on the fireplace. The room glowed with the amber light, casting flickering shadows over the walls. I didn’t know why I’d been in such a hurry to arrive in this room - I wasn’t any safer from Calix here than I had been outside this room. I don’t know why I’d thought I would be safer? Maybe it was because I knew this room - every corner - every dent in the wall. This room had been both my hell and my sanctuary - somehow I’d bonded with it.
“Can I take a shower?” I whispered my question, focusing my eyes on the floor.
“Yes.” Calix said stiffly.
I didn’t look up at him as I passed him on my way to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Once there, I wasted no time in turning on the water - as hot as I could handle it - before stripping from my clothing.
Stepping beneath the fall of water, I breathed in the steam as the water droplets burned my skin, stinging upon touch. I don’t know why I’d turned the water on so hot - but in the back of my mind, I suspected that I really was trying to wash him from my body. I knew I never could succeed in such a feat - but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try.
Washing my hair and body with numb fingers, I let myself cry. I cried so hard, a few audible sobs escaped from between my lips before I realized I’d even made a sound. Biting down on my lip, I lowered myself to the floor of the shower. And I cried there too. I felt so broken - so terribly worthless, and unwanted, and confused, and hurt, that crying was all I could do. I knew I was picking on myself, but hell, I’d started so I may as well continue.
My back felt raw from the sting of the water, but the pain felt good. Never in my life did I ever think I would have such an odd thought - that pain might actually feel good. Pain and good didn’t make sense - the two words weren’t often thought of together. Pain had always intimidated me to a point of terror, but right now, I was ashamed and the pain - this pain - was welcome.
I didn’t hear the bathroom door open, and I didn’t notice Calix until the glass door of the shower had swung open and Calix had turned the hot water to a very mild warm. Stepping into the stream, he demanded loudly, “What the fuck, Nova?”
I didn’t even respond.
I had nothing to say.
Calix wrapped his hand around my upper arm, pulling me from the floor. I moaned, feeling the raw skin of my back ache with the shift and Calix demanded again. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I don’t know.” I answered honestly, more tears falling. “I don’t even know who I am.” I laughed then, feeling slightly nutty and immensely exhausted. “Who am I Calix? What am I worth?”
His expression twisted from anger to absolute rage - pure, terrifying, rage. “Fuck me.” He growled, but I barely heard him. “You’re worth everything, love.” His arms moved around my body and he steered my back into the stream of lukewarm water. It was a gentle kiss against my raw flesh and I moaned, dropping my face against his chest. He said again with vindication. “You’re worth everything, Nova.”
Calix held me in the stream of water for so long, as I cried in his brutal, conflicting arms. He was like Jackal and Hyde. I never knew which face he would greet me with - I hated that about him. And I hated that I loathed something about a man I loved. Yeah, as much as I didn’t want to - I knew I loved Calix. It was hard to admit when the truth was so damning - but hell, it was the truth.
My mom always said that love and hate go hand in hand. You can’t hate someone you’ve never loved, or don’t still love to some degree - because hate takes serious effort and if you didn’t love someone, even a little, then you’d never take the effort or waste the energy needed to hate them.
I’d never really understood that statement until now. Now, I truly, with every fiber of my being, understood that statement. I was beginning to believe my mother was a wise woman.
Slowly, Calix dropped his head to my shoulder. He didn’t apologize for pushing me to this breaking point. Instead, he pressed his lips against my shoulder. He kissed me there. Once. Before lifting his head to look into my eyes. I saw in the blue depths that something was torturing him - I just didn’t know what. And I didn’t have the courage or the strength to ask him.