“He’s mounting an orchid-hunting expedition and a trip to India fits well with his plans. There’s no way I’m allowing you to throw all your goals aside. You were always going to India. This was always ending with you boarding that ship.”
Yes, that was the way it was supposed to end.
Sailing off for adventure.
But the taste for adventure had gone flat in her mouth.
“I forbid you to stay here, Alice. But perhaps we’ll see each other again in the future.” He smiled. “Maybe we’ll become the kind of lovers who meet for a week once a year. Or a month, maybe. I’ve heard of such arrangements. Husbands and wives who are the best of friends. I never thought it possible but we could . . . we could be friends.”
He needed a friend. He didn’t need another lover. Was that what he was trying to tell her?
“We follow the plan, Alice. We honor the contract. You go your way and I stay right here.”
Traveling was her dream, not his. He had to stay here with the duke. And he’d said he would never set foot on a ship again. He didn’t want to travel; he’d made that clear.
But it hurt so much.
“You want me to leave,” she accused. “You can’t stand the idea that you might begin to care for me and you want to push me away and make me leave so that all your fears can be realized. You want me to be like your mother. Just another wife who leaves after a madness scare.”
“I do want you to leave. I want you to go to India and present your manuscript to the professors.”
“It’s only a pile of palm leaves with some scratches.”
“Don’t say that. You know that’s not true. This means everything to you, and you can’t suddenly not care about any of it. You’re so passionate about your work, and that’s something I love about you.”
He loved how devoted she was to her work.
He didn’t love her.
“It’s time to stop hiding behind your gambits and ploys, Alice. Time to be yourself, and who cares if anyone doesn’t approve? Break some rules, see where it leads you.”
“Nick.” It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she loved him, and what? Beg him to let her stay? That was ridiculous. She would never compromise herself or her ideals in such a way.
She would not swoon at his feet.
She never had and she wouldn’t start now. She rose on unsteady limbs. She wouldn’t cry.
Even though she knew this longing for Nick would never go away.
He was etched upon her heart, like stylus scratches on palm-leaf pages, and she’d never be rid of this wanting.
“Go forth, Dimples, go forth and conquer the world.”
She managed a wan smile. “I will, Nick.” She’d begun to dream a new future. A life with Nick. What a wonderful dream it had been. But it was over now.
Chapter 31
She should give him something capable of producing curiosity and love in his heart, such as an affectionate present, telling him that it was specifically designed for his use.
The Kama Sutra of Vātsyāyana
Alice gathered her manuscripts and her clothing.
She marshaled her emotions and locked them deep inside her heart.
She would have long months at sea to examine this pain. To dissect it. And to speak its language.
The only item she left behind was a worn edition of her favorite novel.
She’d read it to Nick while he was unconscious. He had no memory of her reading to him.
As it turned out, he’d been right.
Her Darcy did not exist. And she’d been foolish to think she would find him someday.
What need had she for girlish dreams? She’d known who she was the day she’d arrived at Sunderland, but she’d changed many times since then.
From now on she’d be all business. She would live for her scholarship, and she would become an esteemed linguist. Why shouldn’t she? No one could dispute the fact that she spoke the languages she did.
She said good-bye to Nick without crying; how she managed that, she’d never know.
She said good-bye to the duke, and to Berthold, March, and Bill.
She made her farewells and she left.
Climbed into a carriage wearing a sensible traveling dress with Kali in her wicker basket.
The carriage met some sort of obstruction and couldn’t seem to move around the blockage in the road. Alice sat, dully, watching the light fade.
She would be terribly late.
But Captain Lear would wait for her. He’d been charged by Nick with delivering her to India.
Follow the plan. Honor the contract.
And never look back.
Like a damned coward, Nick watched Alice’s carriage leave from his window.
Because if he’d gone down to see her off, he would have broken down and begged her to stay.
And that wouldn’t be fair to her. She might think she loved him, but if she stayed here, eventually she would resent him for ruining her dreams and subsuming her goals.