“It’s not the time. It’s the responsibility,” she said, and the smile left her eyes. “Luke—I’m sorry to intrude on you this way. But there was something I didn’t tell you, and should have. And I didn’t feel right letting it wait.”
Luke sat up far enough to prop himself up on his elbows. “Okay.”
She sat down on the wide sill at the edge of the bunk where the curtain track ran. “Even though I held back some things you might wish I’d told you, I’ve tried to always tell you the truth,” she said. “But I did lie to you about Atzerri.”
Luke sat up a little farther. “Oh?”
“I took you to Atzerri under false pretenses,” Akanah said. “The circle was never there. You were right about Star Morning. The writing at Teyr said to go to J’t’p’tan.”
“Then why?”
“I had to,” she said. “I had to try to find my father.”
Luke looked hard at her for long seconds, but his words were surprisingly soft. “Did you think I wouldn’t understand?”
“I was afraid of what I might find,” she said, dropping her eyes. “I was afraid of what you might think of me if my father turned out to be someone even I can’t respect.”
“Well—I understand that, too,” Luke said. “I think Leia’s been afraid to look for our mother. Maybe if I were Leia, I would be, too.”
“Why?”
Luke considered for a moment before answering “Her. memories of our mother—few as they are, and little as they’ve told us—are very precious to her. They’re a child’s memories, innocent, idyllic. And she’s protecting them. “
“Protecting them? From what?”
“Reality,” Luke said. “There’s nothing Leia could possibly learn about Mother that could improve on those memories—and a lot she could learn that could damage them. Leia’s never had to consider our mother in her full complexity. What kind of relationship did she have with Vader?
Why did she have his children? Why did she give us up? When you start letting yourself ask questions like those, you risk getting an answer you don’t like.”
“But it’s different for you?”
“I don’t have any memories to protect,” he said, with a hint of wistful regret in his voice. “I just want to know who I come from what else I carry inside me. I’m not as worried about being disappointed.” He smiled wryly. “Though if I discovered that Mother had something to do with turning Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader—” “Oh, no,” Akanah said, looking up and touching his hand reassuringly. “I promise you—Nashira is nothing like that. Please believe me.”
He nodded. “I do.”
“That’s so important to me—and I’m afraid I’ve destroyed it,” she said, her voice quivering with anguish. “I didn’t want you to have any reason to doubt me, any reason to question coming with me.” She smiled sadly.
“So, of course, I lied to you. I’m so sorry, Luke. I knew better. I knew I would never be able to deceive you.”
Luke folded his fingers around hers and squeezed.
“Did you find him?”
“Yes,” she said, and her eyes began to glisten. “In a way, I did. I found him in Trasli District. He’s the very minor chief of a shabby little tribe, puffed up with flattery and brain-burned on Rokna blue.
He didn’t remember my mother. He didn’t know he had a daughter.” She bravely tried a smile. “These little pieces of us that others hold inside them—some know their value, and others are careless with them.
When you find Nashira, I know that she will have more to give you than Joreb Goss did me.”
“You didn’t have much time,” Luke said. “You can go back.” one else lives in his body. I will never speak to that person again.”
Luke could tell that her composure at that moment was simply an exercise of will. There was a tremble in her hand, her eyes were tear-bright with loss, and her skin was hot with her misery. But she would not let herself ask him for anything but forgiveness.
“I understand that, too,” he said gently. “I know how that feels, to have that door locked, and only an empty space beyond. I’m sorry. I know it hurts.”
“He was my last hope for a key,” she said, unable to keep the pain from her voice. “They’re both gone now—my mother and my father. If we don’t find the circle, I’m always going to be alone.”
Words no longer offered any hope of comforting her, and her need was too acute to ignore. With a gentle tug on her hand and a meaningful, confirming look, Luke invited her into the bunk with him.