“Christ. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me. I just wanted you to want me,” he admitted huskily.
“I do. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted this way. But hopefully you can understand that my fears took over. It wasn’t you I was rejecting. It was the act itself. I get flashbacks when it comes to actually being…penetrated. Or confined.” She was blunt. She needed to be for him to understand.
“I won’t touch you sexually again. I swear.”
It was the opposite of what she actually wanted, and somehow she needed to explain. She opened her mouth to tell him, but closed it when he spoke again.
“You could be dead. Just the fact that you’re here is a fucking miracle, that I can hold you like this.”
“I lived, Jason. I’m grateful for that.”
“You went back into the field again. Why?” He lifted his head to force her gaze to his, his expression still tormented.
Hope stared into his turbulent, troubled eyes. “I had to,” she confessed. “I went into a bad depression for a few months, terrified to leave my condo, scared of almost everything and everyone. But I finally decided that I couldn’t let him win. He told me he hated Americans; he spit on me. In the end, I needed to spit on those memories, to bury them. He was dead and I was still alive. I needed to really live, not just exist, in order to beat him. It was hard to go back, to travel again. But it got easier. I desperately needed to take my power back again, and I did when it came to doing my job.”
Hope took a deep breath, ready to try to explain what she wanted. “It’s just that I can’t seem to actually have sex. Honestly, I never even tried until you. There wasn’t a man who made me want those things. I think it’s the thought of being…invaded that freaks me out. All I remember is the pain, and it throws me back there again. Honestly, I haven’t wanted to do anything until you. I want you to help me, Jason. Help me get over my fears.” If Jason couldn’t do it, nobody could. She’d decided to ask him for help on her walk back to the guesthouse. She needed to get past her fear now that she knew that it was there, and the only man she wanted was Jason.
He gaped at her, concern in his eyes. “Hope, I can’t force you after—”
“I’m clean and I’m on birth control. After what happened, I take the Pill faithfully because I still travel internationally, and I know what can happen. Maybe that’s still a little paranoid. What are the chances that it will happen again? But it makes me feel safer. I was grateful I didn’t catch anything and I didn’t get pregnant. It isn’t that I’m not willing. I want you to understand that, understand why I went a little crazy last night. You know all of my secrets now. I want to stay with you for the next two weeks and try to get over this. When it’s over, we can go our separate ways, no matter what happens.” She almost choked on her words; it would be difficult to say goodbye, but she understood that she had to try. She might go her whole life without feeling the way she felt about Jason. This could be her only chance.
“You have to trust me, Hope. Really trust me,” Jason said huskily. He stroked her cheek, his eyes cryptic. “Now that I know what you went through, I’m scared, too. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to suffer another minute of pain.”
“We don’t have any secrets anymore. I trust you. Do you still want me even though I’ve been…used?” She’d gone through years of feeling dirty and undesirable.
He broke eye contact and pulled her head against his chest. “I think I want you even more. You’re probably the bravest woman I’ve ever known. Tate and his men might have rescued you, but you helped save your own life because you’re smart. I just wish I would have known about this sooner. I can’t believe you went through all of this and never told your brothers.”
“I couldn’t. I trust you not to tell them. It won’t change anything now,” she answered nervously. There was no reason for her brothers to ever know, and she didn’t want to talk about it again.
“I’ll never give away your secrets,” Jason replied gutturally.
Jason asked questions, mostly about her feelings during the entire experience and details about how Tate rescued her, and she answered them, feeling much safer talking about it now that her story was out. He was patient, let her answer in her own time, but kept his arms protectively around her, her body cradled in his lap.
By the time she was done telling him every detail he wanted to know, Hope felt nothing but relief, her conscience completely clean. She relaxed in his arms, feeling safe, her body and mind exhausted with relief.