Ellie was trying to brush the snow out of her hair with her cold fingers.
"I hope you bought some more winter stuff," he grumbled as he pulled away from the curb, not even bothering to look behind him. Zane had faith that his brothers would handle the reporter situation.
"I have some winter things in my belongings. I just haven't sorted everything out yet," she said hesitantly, obviously still emotional. "I have the stuff you got me, but I didn't think I'd be outside for long." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for the emotional scene."
"Those people scared you?" Zane asked, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel, pissed off at anybody who caused Ellie to get upset.
"Not scared really," Ellie said with a sigh. "I just don't really want to reveal my humiliation to the entire world. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do that."
Ellie felt shame, and that nearly pushed Zane over the edge. "It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."
"But that doesn't make it less humiliating," Ellie countered.
As he turned a corner to head back toward his house, he mumbled a curse before answering. James had been a psychopath, and he still remembered her briefly telling him how he'd made her beg for food and water. "Don't even feel ashamed," he said gruffly. "James was the sociopath and you were his victim. It takes a lot of courage to survive what you did, Ell."
"I let him toy with me. I let him mess with my head," Ellie answered sadly. "I knew what he was doing, and I gave him exactly what he wanted."
"What choice did you have?" Zane snapped back at her.
She didn't answer, and the long, drawn-out silence made him realize she'd had no choice. All of her freedom, respect, and dignity had been sucked out of her by a crazy asshole who liked to torment women.
He was relieved when she finally answered quietly, "None. Not a single choice. It was either die or stay alive. The survivor in me refused to give up."
"Thank fuck," Zane said huskily. "I would have been pretty irritated if I had shown up at the cabin and you were already dead."
Ellie laughed, a sound that hit Zane solidly right in the chest. He hadn't heard Ellie laugh in a long time. If his black sense of humor made her smile, he'd gladly stop trying to be politically correct.
"I'm glad I didn't disappoint you," Ellie shot back with a snort.
Zane smiled just a little as they entered Colter land and he moved toward his home. "I'm sorry I let a reporter have the opportunity to talk to you. I'm supposed to be keeping you safe."
"You do. And it wasn't your fault," Ellie argued. "Zane, you can't protect me from the world forever, no matter how much I appreciate that you try."
"The hell I can't," he shot back at her. He'd slipped up, let his brothers disrupt his visual on where she was. From now on, she'd stay safe.
"I fear it, too," Ellie said softly.
"What?" Zane questioned, wanting to know whatever the hell she feared so he could make it go away.
Silence stretched on as Zane drove across Colter property, the darkness of the night preventing him from seeing Ellie's expression.
Finally, he urged, "Talk to me, Ellie. What are you afraid of?"
"I'm afraid it will happen again," she admitted in a rush. "I know the chances of being kidnapped again, especially since James is dead, are almost nonexistent. Rationally, I understand that. But I can't stop the anxiety I feel when someone approaches me, even in a non-threatening way. If it's somebody I don't recognize as a friend, I have a knee-jerk reaction to run. Until recently, I seemed to have the same reaction even if it was a friend-just not as strong as when it's a stranger." She took a deep, tremulous breath and continued. "I know it doesn't make any sense. I knew that guy was a reporter. But when he got in my face and wanted me to talk about my experience, it was like it was going to happen all over again."
Zane's frustration with the reporter returned. "He was a pushy asshole, Ell. And you have every right to be cautious. Hell, I think you're incredibly brave just to go out of the house again."
"I want to. I can't live in fear, Zane," Ellie insisted. "I want to feel normal again. This is my town. This is where I grew up. Nothing traumatic has ever happened to me here before … " Her voice trailed off, sounding like she was afraid to mention the only devastating event she'd ever experienced in Rocky Springs.
Zane reached out in the dark, searching for contact with Ellie, hating the fact that she was essentially suffering alone. He didn't know the first thing about how to deal with her fear … or his own agitation about her safety.
Their hands connected, and his heart sank as she flinched away from him for an instant, but then she reached out and curled her fingers around his trustingly. Zane felt an aching tenderness in his chest as Ellie tightened her grip, letting him know without words that she trusted him, that her initial reaction was just a momentary, instinctive thing.
After a few minutes of silence, Ellie asked, "Why didn't you tell me that you took care of my apartment? You lied to me when you told me it was already rented."
He told her the truth because she deserved it. "I wanted your place to be waiting for you. I wanted your life to be as normal as possible when you got back. I didn't know I'd find you nearly dead. When you started refusing to come home to recover with me, I gave up your place so you had to be with me. I know it was a shitty thing to do, and I'm sorry I lied. But I'm not sorry that you're with me where you belong. Right now, I need you to be with me as much as you need someone to be with you so you're safe and not alone." Christ! He was downright desperate to watch her every single moment.
"Why?"
"Because I need the reassurance that you're fucking really alive and getting better," he told her reluctantly. "This whole thing-your disappearance, the long search, the endless days of wondering where you were and what the hell had happened to you, wondering if you were dead or alive-it all scared the hell out of me, and even though I know you're alive, the fear hasn't gone away." Zane was starting to wonder whether it ever would.
She was quiet for a moment before she finally answered, "I think you're right. I think right now I do need to be with you. Tonight proved that to me. Until I can conquer all my demons, I need you to slay them for me. I know what you did was out of fear, and Lord knows I understand that. But please don't ever lie to me, or try to manipulate me again."
That moment was pivotal for Zane. It was the instant that he knew that he was utterly and completely screwed. "I won't." He cared about her way too much not to try to keep that promise.
The holidays flew by, and after a few months, she and Zane fell into a routine. He'd work in his lab during the day, but he'd show up by dinnertime. She cooked, and had slowly organized his entire house except for his lab.
Zane couldn't find anything, which she found pretty amusing. Not that he'd been very good at finding things before she'd organized, but when she was done, he was completely lost.
Ellie slowly started working on her aromatherapy business again, making candles and scents that made her happy. Her Internet sales weren't miraculous, but it was enough to pay for her hobby with a little left over.
Eventually, she'd gotten used to driving the BMW Zane had gifted to her, even though she thought it was ridiculous for a woman like her to be driving any kind of luxury vehicle. Slowly, she'd desensitized herself, feeling less and less afraid to be out and about, even when Zane wasn't around. With Dr. Townson's help, she was inching closer to a normal life, but she knew it was going to be a while before she was completely recovered … if she ever did.
Her body was filling out, and she'd already had to go buy a few new clothes. Hopefully, she'd reach a point where she didn't feel like she was starving all the time. Unfortunately, she hadn't gotten to that particular stage yet. Having been deprived of food for so long, Ellie acknowledged unhappily that she was making up for lost meals.
Maybe that was why she was currently munching on an enormous plate of nachos at two a.m. Having been awakened by a nightmare, one of many of the side effects of her traumatic experience, she hadn't been able to go back to sleep. She'd gotten up and turned on all the lights to chase away the shadows once she reached the kitchen, not wanting to disturb Zane with her insomnia by turning on lights in the hallway. Then, she'd promptly went to work on making an enormous batch of nachos. No doubt she'd pay for it with heartburn later, but she'd topped them off with a very liberal amount of jalapenos and salsa.