The fridge started to beep at me for keeping it open for too long, and I slammed it shut.
No!
I would not jump to conclusions and scolded myself, no matter how tempting going down that road might be. It was self–destructive nonsense, and I was better than that. I had to trust him if we were ever going to work… if I were ever going to say that magical word which would bind us together forever.
I was getting grouchy, and my tummy rumbled a plea for sustenance. If I was going to have any success at dialling Loretta’s number and actually speaking to her, I’d have to be on top form for it, and I might need some Dutch courage, too.
So, take out it was, then.
***
I’d decided on Chinese, picking practically every appetizer from the menu as my “meal” and accompanying it with a lukewarm bottle of white wine I’d found buried in the cupboard. Hidden probably for good reason; it was damned awful, bitter and vinegary, but it softened my edges.
My phone rested silently on the coffee table, surrounded by left over Chinese cartons. I stared at it, willing myself to pick it up, to dial her number.
Just get it over with.
I clasped the cool flat handset in my palm and jabbed at it angrily to locate her contact details. The green call button looked so inviting with its round edges and bright colour, practically daring me to press it.
I was shaking, and my hands trembled. I did not want to speak to this woman, let alone have an in–depth conversation with her about my origins, but my curiosity and a wash of anger trumped my fear. I pumped my hand a couple of times into a fist then quickly allowed my fingertip to slide onto glass.
The ringing buzzed in my ear, repeating its desperation over and over again. I forced myself to keep the handset pressed to my ear so I wouldn’t disconnect the call, hoping that if I held on just long enough I’d get some answers.
But Loretta didn’t pick up and all of a sudden a robotic voice asked me to leave a message.
Goddamit, at least she could have the courtesy to answer my bloody call. She owed me at least that. Angry now and more determined than ever, I rang back.
This time it took only three quick rings before it cut out, and the tinny voice was back, urging me to leave a message. She was screening her calls, I had no doubt, and she’d declined to answer the call, forcing me to her voicemail.
“Answer me you coward, I know you’re there!” I said shouting into the receiver, angling the base of the phone only centimetres from my lips.
My eyes brimmed with tears. I hated that she did this to me, lied to me all these years and didn’t have the decency to explain herself. I wanted to shake her so hard; it was probably a good thing she hadn’t told me in person.
My fingers had a mind of their own, and they tapped and selected Lex’s number to call. I held my breath, tortured again by the ringing in my ear, longing desperately to hear his voice. To tell me he would fix everything.
The call went to voicemail.
I screamed and threw the black rectangle across the room. It landed with a distant crack, and I buried my face into my hands, feeling so alone… feeling abandoned.
Chapter Seven
A muscle in my neck spasmed as I awoke to loud, persistent banging at the door. I’d cried myself to sleep and had slept curled up like a ball on the couch.
I blinked the crusty sleep from my eyes and wiped my face with my hands, trying to wake up; I could feel the streaks of dried tears on my cheeks.
“Keep your knickers on!” I yelled, as fists continued to beat against my door.
A sudden Phoebe–like blur pushed past me into the apartment. My eyes were determined not to focus, and she wasn’t making things easier for me as she flew around in circles, clearly agitated… but at least she was smiling.
“You won’t believe what has happened,” she said, the words flying out of her mouth in a rapid torrent.
Finally my mind jerked awake, sensing this was serious. “What? Are you OK? Is the baby…”
“Oh my god, this is insane,” she said, panting. Had she run all the way here?
I grabbed hold of her shoulders, forcing her to keep to still and to look at me. She was like a buzzing bee, vibrating beneath my hold. For a breath, I took her in; she glowed from the inside out, her cheeks were a perfect peach colour, and her deep hazel eyes seemed to have filled with flecks of amber.
Phoebe stared back, registering my melancholy, and frowned. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“Never mind that, tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s amazing… the best news ever,” she said cautiously, studying my puffy eyes.
“Seriously, if you don’t tell me, I’m going to chuck you out and go back to bed.”