Then, I screamed.
When he stood up, wiping his face with one hand, I was still upright, somehow. Still standing. My legs ached, but at the same time, I couldn’t remember ever feeling this good.
With a sudden movement, he picked me up, bridal-style, and carried me over to the bed, dropping me on the mattress with a devilish grin. I fell, laughing, in a heap.
“Now,” he said, looming over me on the mattress, like I’d dreamed of so many times. “Wasn’t that a good time?”
I nodded, biting my lip. “Want me to return the favor?”
His eyebrow quirked. “What do you think?”
I laughed, reaching down to cup the straining hardness under his jeans. “Yes? No? Maybe?”
He rolled off of me and stretched out on his back, giving me full access. As much as I wanted to undress him slowly, to drink in every inch of him, I also felt compelled to focus on the part of him that seemed to need my attention most urgently. I unzipped his jeans and yanked them out of the way, dragging his underwear down with them. My breath caught a little in my throat.
But at the same time, my mouth was watering.
I leaned down and licked the whole length of him, finally taking everything I could fit into my mouth and caressing him with my tongue. He sighed and arched his back, his eyes half-closing. I wondered if he’d imagined this. Of course he had. How many times, I wondered? Was it his favorite fantasy? In his imagination, how did he like me best?
I bobbed my head up and down, trying to keep my eyes on his, watching every little twitch of every muscle in his face. I didn’t want to miss a moment of this.
He warned me before it was over - very gentlemanly - but I didn’t mind taking it all in. He was my husband, after all.
We lay silently together for a while after that, with nothing but the sound of each other’s heartbeats. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure if it was wise to say anything at all. I certainly didn’t plan to get back from the honeymoon and pretend this never happened, but I had a sneaking suspicion he might expect me to. Or worse - he’d want to be friends with benefits throughout the duration of our marriage, only to end everything after the divorce?#p#分页标题#e#
Wait - was that a bad thing?
Wasn’t that exactly what I’d expected, when I let myself give in to this? Okay, so maybe I’d wished we could ever be a real couple. I was finally willing to admit that to myself. But I’d known it was never going to happen. I’d gone into this understanding that the best possible outcome involved the very thing I was now afraid of.
I could have Daniel for one year, or I could have him for less. Those were the only possible options.
The knowledge of this weighed heavily on my mind while we ate our room service dinner, quietly, in front of the T.V. I wondered if Daniel was thinking similar thoughts - trying to figure out how he was going to cut me loose without causing too much of a fuss.
No, that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair, but it was all I could think.
I lay awake for a long time that night. Even though I was far enough on my own side of the bed that I barely knew he was there; but at the same time, I was acutely aware that he was really inches away from me. I finally fell asleep after what felt like hours of staring into the unfamiliar darkness of the room.
I felt groggy and discontented the next morning, but I hoped that my first day of “astronaut training” would at least be enough to keep my mind off of all the things I didn’t want to think about.
When we first arrived, Sam welcomed us with a breakfast of genuine astronaut rations - surprisingly edible - and an overview of everything we’d be doing for the day. It started with lighter activities like a mission briefing, fitting into jumpsuits, and our “career assignments.” Apparently, “astronaut” wasn’t quite the specific term I’d always assumed it to be. Within it, there was a wide range of different skills and specialties. Mathematicians, scientists, engineer - all of them pilots, but from such different walks of life I wondered if any of them had started out wanting to be graphic designers. Maybe my wires had gotten crossed somewhere. Maybe I should have been one of them.
Then I would have actually made enough money on my own to make this whole thing unnecessary. Then I could have actually done this for real, instead of just pretending.
By the end of the day, I was tired and overwhelmed. I collapsed in the middle of the massive bed when we returned to the hotel, closing my eyes against the lights. A few minutes later, I felt the mattress dip as Daniel sat down beside me.
“I was thinking we might go out for dinner,” he said. “If you’re feeling up to it.”
“Sure,” I said, because I had no reason not to. But really, all I wanted was to curl up in bed and be alone for the rest of the night.