She handed us the papers, gave me a reassuring smile, and left us in the room alone, closing the door behind her.
“So,” I said.
“So,” Asher agreed.
“She can start in three days, she thinks. She has to talk with my OB/GYN.”
Asher’s eyes widened. He looked so excited and I didn’t know how to tell him that maybe I didn’t want to start in three days. Maybe I needed more time, because…
“It’s up to you,” he said. “I know three days is soon. I won’t rush you.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m just…”
I was so nervous. Not just because of the doctor or anything else. Everything, all combined, and then this, and that, and I needed something, some assurance that I was doing the right thing, except who could I ask? Everyone around me was biased, and my mother had seemed somewhat indifferent. Not entirely indifferent, but she seemed excited, too. Daytime television probably made the idea seem extravagant and luxurious to her, and it did have some of that appeal to me, but the actuality of it was scary. Shots and being pregnant, pain, and it wasn’t even my child, and…
“Why three days?” he asked. I think he sensed my anxiety.
I held the pamphlet out for him, opening it to the page with the chart. “So I’m on birth control right now, but my period will be in a few days. Too much information, maybe? Sorry. But when that starts, I’d take these shots for, um, ten days? It shows right there, those marks.” I pointed it out for him.
“Alright, so then…” He scanned through the chart along with me. “So two weeks for egg retrieval and a few days after that for egg transplant. And another egg transplant? Um, how many children are we having here?” He laughed.
We, he said. We. I stared at him, charmed, wrapped up in his excitement for children. I’d always thought about it, myself. I liked the idea of it. Having children, a nice home, a loving husband. A family. This wasn’t really that, not quite, but the children part kept invading my fantasies. It was a part of it, and I wanted Asher to be a part of it, too. When he included me into his dreams, I felt a rush of giddy glee.
“Well,” I said. “It depends on how many stick. I think they put a few in just in case, but probably only one or two are going to mature.”
“So, twins maybe,” he said. “A boy and a girl?”
“That would be nice. They wouldn’t really be twins, though. Kind of, but not the same as natural twins. I don’t really know how that works.”
“I guess we’ll find out if it happens.” Asher grinned, then continued scanning through the pamphlet. “Is this… what do they do?” he asked. “I mean, I know what they do, but how does this work? Is there any danger? Risks? Is it… I don’t want to ask you to do anything that’s dangerous, Jessika. I know that couples do this often when infertility is an issue, but that isn’t the kind of situation we’re in. It’s unfair to ask you to do anything too risky.”
I smiled at him and put my hand on his arm. “No, no. It’s… well, she said it’s painful, but besides that I think it’s safe. It’s not a simple procedure, but they’re experienced, and…”
My face burned red and I couldn’t believe I was about to do what I was about to do. I’d thought of it, considered doing something like this, but it was more a fantasy than anything else. Or was it? No, I…
I shifted on the doctor’s table and shimmied my skirt up until it was at the tops of my thighs by my waist. “They insert a needle in here,” I said, patting the crotch of my pink panties. “There’s a suction device on the other end and they just suck as many eggs up as possible. There’s more to it than that, but that’s the general idea.”
Asher looked at me hard, his face turning white. He gulped. “Jessika, that’s… um…”
I smiled at him, serene, acting as if nothing was wrong. I stayed the way I was, keeping myself revealed to him. “I imagine it’s easier on your end. Sperm’s easier to get ahold of.”
He laughed a little, lightening up. “Yes, I imagine so. Did I hear right before? You’re on birth control?”
I nodded. “Better safe than sorry, right? I guess it worked out for this, too, so that’s good.”
He moved closer to me, putting a hand on my thigh. “I was worried before. I kind of, when we, um. You know? After the photography? I know the odds are low, but I was worried maybe you’d get pregnant from that. I don’t know what I would’ve told Beatrice then. I’m still a little worried.”