Shuffling across the sidewalk toward the library cafe, I heaved my backpack up over one shoulder and tried not to look as clumsy as I felt. The sky was still pale with snowy clouds even as evening fell. My number theory study group had started ten minutes ago, but I needed a coffee before I could even start thinking about cosets and bijections.
A thin layer of snow covered the lawn in front of the university library, each snowflake turning end over end in perfect hexagonal symmetry until it hit the ground and was lost among the others.
That’s how I felt nowadays. Lost amid a blanket of snowflakes, each more perfect and pristine than me. Completely, utterly, bafflingly lost.
School had been a walk in the park for as long as I could remember. Some grades I deserved. Some, though, my teachers gave to me for being a nice, quiet kid they never had to worry about. Inside I seethed at my reputation as a good girl. I wanted adventure. I wanted danger and challenge. I wanted to do terrible and honorable things and prove myself to be brave, just like the mythic Greek heroines I admired in my childhood - Athena, Eurydice, Artemis.
University certainly challenged me, but rather than hunting golden-horned stags or transforming mortals into boars, I labored to figure out proofs for combinatorial theorems while juggling two jobs. Instead of being at the top of my class, I struggled to even pass. Everyone said I was supposed to find myself in college, but I seemed to be straying farther and farther away from who I was, running faster and faster just to stay even with everyone else.#p#分页标题#e#
As I got closer to the library, I saw a man sitting outside on a bench, looking just as lost as I felt. He was bundled up in a black coat, his knitted hat pulled down over his ears, and he stared down just in front of his feet, as though trying to count the snowflakes that fell around him. I smiled as I walked by the bench, but he didn’t even look up. I paused at the door and looked back at him, thinking that maybe I ought to ask if he needed directions, but he didn’t move an inch, his gaze unwavering, his shoulders slumped. Must be the weather.
Pulling open the heavy glass door of the library café, I reveled in the blast of warm air that greeted me. My nose began to run and I pulled a handkerchief out of my pocket to wipe my face, feeling the sweat already starting to form on my neck under my scarf. God, I hated the cold. Everybody talked about how glorious the seasons were in the northeast, but I would just as soon have moved to the equator and forgotten what fall colors ever looked like. It was just my luck that I had moved to Southern California and gotten a freak snowstorm.
“One coffee, please,” I said, pushing over my student card. The café barista swiped my card through the register.
“Sorry,” she said, handing back the card. “There’s not enough on here.”
“Not enough?” Dammit, I didn’t get my next paycheck until tomorrow. I dug through my pockets for change, pulling out a handful of nickels and dimes and dumping them on the counter. The barista looked at me disdainfully under lidded eyes.
“Um, let me see,” I said, counting out the change. Shit. I didn’t even have enough for coffee. I didn’t have a damn dollar to my name after tuition and books.
“One second,” I said, turning to dig into my backpack. I dropped the nickels that were in my hand. “Shit, shit, shit.”
I bent down to pick up the nickels and got my first lucky break of the night. Right next to my shoe was a five dollar bill, just sitting on the floor! I picked it up reverently and looked around to see if there was anybody who might have dropped it, but the café was empty apart from me and the barista. She coughed and shifted her weight onto her back foot, evidently irritated at waiting for me to get my act together.
Five dollars! Five whole dollars! This was a windfall I couldn’t squander. I looked up at the café menu, my mouth watering at the possibilities. I had gotten into the habit of skipping dinner, but maybe today I could splurge and get a bagel. My stomach growled at the possibility. But no, I should wait and buy bagels at the store. Everything was overpriced here except the coffee.
I scanned the menu again and resigned myself to just the caffeine injection. It was enough to know that I could buy something if I wanted to. My eye wandered to the café window. The man was still sitting on the bench, as still as a statue. I could see his breath coming out in small white puffs, and for some reason my heart wrenched in my chest.
“Two coffees,” I said impulsively, handing the five dollar bill over to the barista. My hands trembled slightly as I picked up the cups. What was I doing?
I pushed open the door with my shoulder bravely and exited the warm cafe, one coffee in each hand. For an instant I wavered. What if he didn’t want it? What if he thought I was a weirdo? I set my shoulders and walked over to him. He must be freezing, sitting out in the cold.