She glanced in his room and then went down the stairs to the kitchen when she saw he was still sound asleep as always. Her father and brothers had left for the day’s work and her mother was still in her bed. She sat listlessly at the kitchen table, unsure whether she wanted to make a cup of coffee or hot tea. Either way, she needed something warm in her body. It was chilly this morning. She didn’t expect it to warm up.
She sat there for a little while, gazing out the window as the sun rose. She didn’t want to go back up and get dressed for the day. She didn’t want to go through the process of brushing and caring for her long brown hair, fitting it into braids like she had done nearly every day of her life. She didn’t want to do anything.
She wanted to be with her husband.
But she had a tiny baby to care for. She wasn’t going to leave him here on his own without his mama or papa. She wanted to keep him safe from harm and not let him understand what was going on until he was much older.
She let her tears come again and wondered how she was going to continue on without Tom. She had no kind of income. She didn’t want to stay here with her parents and brothers forever. She’d had a life before, a very full life before Tom had gone to the war. She missed him every day. She missed him even when he was alive.
Her mother came through the door, surprising her.
“Oh mother. You scared me.”
“I’m sorry, dear.” Minnie’s mother came directly to her and put her hands on Minnie’s shoulders. “I wish I could make you feel better. I know you must be terribly hurt and upset. But it will pass. Time will heal your heart, darling.”
“I am afraid it will take too long. I’m afraid I will feel this way forever.”
Her shoulders shook slightly and her mother leaned over to hug her.
“I love you, Minnie. It will be okay in time.”
“I love you, too, mama.” She didn’t really believe her. But she was glad to have her comforting arms around her. She lifted one hand and wrapped it around one of her mother’s arms, letting her hold her. She pulled her tears in and did her best to stop crying. It was going to take a long time. A very long time.
Two months later, Minnie was sitting in the same place, feeling as lost as she ever had. She didn’t feel strong. She didn’t feel recovered. Time had not healed her heart. Her little boy was almost two now. He was smiling all the time, still saying “dada”, even though dada wasn’t around. It broke her heart every time she thought about it. Every time she heard it.
She sat waiting for Liz, her best friend in town. Liz was encouraging and helpful but nothing seemed to take away her pain. She stared out the window next to the table, watching the road for Liz to be dropped off. She felt a little impatient and pushed the feeling down. She didn’t want to feel that way. She was struggling with being overwhelmed by her strong emotions. Her crying hadn’t stopped. Billy was starting to notice and it made her feel even worse.
Now, she was not only crying for the loss of her husband, she was joining the nation in mourning the loss of President Lincoln. She couldn’t figure out why good men had to die like that. It didn’t make sense to her at all.
She saw a cloud of dust and realized she’d been staring out the window not even seeing that Liz was stepping down from a wagon and would be at the door in moments.
She stood up and went to let her friend in.
“Good morning, Mins!” Liz threw her arms around her as soon as she opened the door, making her take a step back. She couldn’t help smiling and hugging her friend back.
“Good morning, Lizzie. How are you doing today?”
Liz released her from the hug and held her at arm’s length, her hands gripping Minnie’s arms gently. “I am fine, as usual, honeypot. The question is, ‘are you feeling any better’?”
They linked arms and took a few steps to turn into the kitchen, where they usually sat to talk.
“Have you been eating?” Liz asked. “I know you were having trouble there for a long time. How are you now?”
Minnie shrugged, resuming the seat she’d been in before. Liz sat across from her and leaned over to hold one of her hands. “I am eating as normal, I suppose. I don’t have much of an appetite.”
Liz shook her head, lifting her fabric hand bag and placing it on the table in front of her. She put her other hand over the Minnie’s so that she was clasping it tightly. “I can’t continue to see you in this state, my dear. You have been such a good friend to me for all these years and you’ve gotten me through some pretty tough times. I have been blessed to have you as a friend to me.”