Within three months, I still hadn’t heard anything. I asked a friend who was a private investigator to find her for me, giving him the information needed. I just had to know that she was all right and stop keeping myself up at night worrying about all the possibilities. He came back with the name of her new company, Anagrama. I promptly researched them thoroughly, which I would have done anyway if she gave me half a chance, finding them to be one of the best in the world. I couldn’t fault her company, so I wondered what was going on as I read everything that he found out in the week that he’d taken.
She seemed to be doing well as far as Matt could tell. I didn’t ask for intimate details of her life since I didn’t think I could handle that yet. I found out that she lived in a condo near the beach that was in a complex owned by the firm, giving me the impression that she didn’t have a permanent home yet. I knew that she was alive and I let it rest with that for now, giving her this time to be stubborn before I went there myself.
I fucking missed her. I missed the mornings where we’d just talk, eat dinner together or just laugh. I didn’t know how much she meant to me until we got so close on the island and left shortly after coming home. I knew that I loved her as something of a daughter, but it never clicked that I’d fall for her on a romantic level. It was more than sex, and I thought back to the nights that we spent together, trying to remember if I told her that. I hated that idea that she might think I was using her.
Once four months went by without any word from her and I knew that the holidays were in just a couple more months, I bought a plane ticket online. Caroline was going to know how I felt, whether she wanted to or not.
Caroline
I eased out of my car and walked towards the beautiful glass building as I took a slow breath. Everything was perfect about Santa Barbara, including my job and the condo that I was still living in thanks to the firm. Everything apart from the fact that Perry wasn’t here. I worked extra hours when I wasn’t exhausted, coming to the unit to shower and cry myself to sleep almost every night.
It was pathetic.
I entered through the doors and made my way to the elevators, smiling when I saw my coworker Lana. “Morning,” I told her as she blew into the cup of sweet chocolate and coffee with a need in her eyes.
“Hey there, mama. How are you doing?” She asked as she handed me a cup of decaffeinated green tea with a rueful smile.
“I’m tired. I miss coffee,” I responded as the doors opened and we walked inside. I looked down at my belly, starting to show now as Perry’s baby kept growing inside of me. Once I took the test when I was away on my interview to find it was positive, I knew that I was going to take the job if they offered it to me. I didn’t want to inconvenience Perry with a baby, particularly since I’d assured him that I was on the pill. I knew that was stupid even at the time, but I wanted him so bad. I wanted all of him, and a part of me wondered if there was an immature part of me that wished for a baby. What was I thinking? He asked me more than once if it was safe, so I knew that he probably didn’t want to start a family. He was at a high point in his life with the company and not having to worry about a thing.
I had a good job that was tremendously kind when they found out my condition when I started the job. They kept me on and offered the insurance sooner so I could see the doctor as needed. I was given as long as I needed in the condo until the baby was born and I had some idea of where I wanted to go. I was saving a lot of money that way with the lack of rent, money that could help me buy a place if I felt brave enough to go to Perry to get it.
I left in a rush, not really thinking about the strings that connected us. There was the trust fund that my parents set up for me when I was born that was still doing very well. They had put away money for college, and Perry handled all of that for me while he supported me during school, giving me anything I could need or want. Perry was generous before we slept together, and I told Lana goodbye as I headed to my office.
I thought about the nights that we spent together a lot, wishing that it had ended differently. I got scared the moment we came home, too spooked to try to make it work. I had the perfect excuse to avoid it with the emails about jobs, something that happened much faster than expected. When I started to feel a bit off before I was scheduled to fly out, all my ignorance hit me like a ton of bricks as I knew I had to face reality.
That was why I took the pregnancy test in California. I could just be alone and cry my eyes out, so lonely and scared that it was tearing me apart inside. I sobbed most of the night, showering in the morning, and cleaning up for my interview. I wasn’t feeling the confidence that I projected but nailed it, and I was stunned when they offered me the job on the spot. It made sense to take it. I could fly home as planned and just come running back without Perry knowing about the baby. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, imagining his face as he offered to take care of us because it was the right thing to do. That wasn’t what I wanted.