She thought about it, imagined it for a moment, what she might say. It was an impossible reality. If she was someone else, if Kaiser was someone else…
“The truth doesn’t matter,” she whispered, feeling tears stinging her eyes again.
Lenny sighed. “Why not?”
“Because…” Heidi shook her head, wondering at herself. She should be self-righteously insisting on some sort of justice, appealing to Kaiser’s sense of fairness and integrity. Why wasn’t she? Why had she continued to kneel before him silently, head bent, humbled and surrendered to his will, sacrificing not only herself, but everything she treasured? “Because I want him to love me more than I want to be right.”
She had found her truth and it felt as if it might split her in two as she turned to her friend and sobbed in his arms, not knowing if the cost would ever be worth it…and on some deep level, not really caring. She wanted Kaiser with a fierce and complete abandon that left her trembling and bowed before a desire far greater than she was.
“I don’t think they have to be mutually exclusive,” Lenny murmured as he rocked her, but she wasn’t listening, couldn’t hear anything but the keening of her heart for a man whose love she felt sure she would never be worthy of.
Chapter Six
“Heidi, come into my office and close the door.”
She’d been waiting for hours. It was part of her punishment—at least, she fervently hoped it was—sitting there alone at her desk. Kaiser had walked by at seven-thirty—she had been there since five—without a word, not even his usual request for coffee. When he shut his office door, her heart sank, and she nervously smoothed her cream-colored silk skirt, a Versace with a impossibly soft sheen, the ensemble carefully chosen for both fashion and function, the blouse a white button-down with a smart little vest.
She wanted to call after him, follow him, sink to her knees before him and plead for forgiveness. Instead, she waited, hoping for the phone to ring, the mail to arrive, something that might give her an excuse to knock on that formidably sealed door. Nothing happened. It was nearly ten o’clock before she even heard a sound from his office, and then it was just a brief phone call, his voice smooth but brusque, his words clipped.
Still, the sound of it thrilled her. God, I really am pathetic, she thought, lowering her head and feeling the tears welling up. She had fought them since her breakdown with Lenny the night before and struggled with her shame, tossing and turning to find cool spots on the sheets, her body feverish with hope and yearning. When Kaiser hadn’t called by midnight, she knew he wasn’t going to, and she cried herself to sleep, half-wishing she had let Lenny stay and comfort her completely, giving him her body and her bed.
But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Her loyalties now lay with one man, and no matter what her head said, her heart couldn’t be swayed. Maybe Lenny’s right—I’m under Kaiser’s spell. Clearly the man weaved a web of enchantment about women…at least, some women. She had a long time, sitting there, to wonder just how many “secretaries” he’d been through. Why should she be any different? She wanted to be, hoped she was—but she didn’t really believe it.
And still, the moment he opened the door and called her name, she was out of her seat and standing obediently beside his desk before she could even take another breath. Kaiser took his time, his jaw set as he drew the thousand-dollar Valentino drapes. They were both light-blocking and thermal, and when they were closed the room sat in near-darkness. Heidi blinked, her eyes adjusting, as Kaiser crossed the room toward her.#p#分页标题#e#
“Turn around and face my desk.”
Heidi did as she was told, her eyes closing in relief. Thank god. He was going to punish her. Surely that meant he wouldn’t fire her, wouldn’t send her away. It was the worst thing she could imagine. She didn’t care if she couldn’t walk for a week—she could take any reprimand, pay any price but that one.
“Pull up your skirt.”
She did so gratefully, resting her cheek against the blotter, her eyes at his waist-level as he began unbuckling his belt. The air was cool over her bottom and her panty-less pussy already ached with longing.
“I told you this would never be about violence or anger.” Kaiser stood beside her and spoke as he slowly pulled his belt from the loops. She watched and listened with a growing apprehension mixed with an undeniable thrill that shivered its way up her spine. “I meant that. But you really pushed me yesterday.”
She couldn’t explain her outburst. There was no excuse for what she’d done, except for the truth, and she couldn’t possibly tell him that.