Mr. Fuller invited J and me back to his cubby. On his desk, my life described on paper was spread out and facing me. I handed him the deed…he talked…I listened…he told me where to sign…I did. And that was kind of it. We shook hands, and without much excitement, we left forty-five minutes later, knowing that the next time I walked into my grandparents’ house, it was going to be mine. Legally.
J and I stopped at the grocery store on the way back to the house and stocked up on enough food for the week. By the time we got back it was lunchtime and J’s phone was blowing up with text messages. She’d stop between shuffling bags of groceries back and forth to reply to whoever was texting her, every so often letting out a slight chuckle. I had to admit, even though I assumed it was Nick, I was curious about the conversation she was having.
“Who’s that?” I asked as she leaned against the kitchen counter answering another text.
“Nick.”
“What’s so funny?” I asked as I put away the groceries in the fridge.
“He keeps texting me different places I should visit while I’m here. Places that you and I would never go,” Joanie giggled just as another text came through.
“What type of places? Like thrift stores and pawn shops, or touristy places?”
J was focused on answering him back before she looked up at me. “No, like biker bars and strip clubs.”
Her phone chimed again and she read it out loud: “Well, then I am on my way.” Joanie laughed as she typed back a response.
“What did you say to him?” I asked with a sense of urgency.
“Well, I told him the only way I would end up in a strip club or biker bar is if he got his ass out here and took me.”
I wanted to respond to her. I really wanted to work at forgiving Nick and seeing my best friend happy, but there still was this tiny, ugly monster that reared its head when I thought about Nick and what he did to Max and me. I know people need a second chance, and truthfully, I knew I was going to need to give Nick one…just not right then. Besides, I was exhausted. Last night was so intense, I didn’t sleep soundly with all the nightmares that took over my mind and on top of that, the actual act of going and signing all the papers, I just couldn’t find any place on my body that wasn’t aching to curl up and sleep.
“I’m super tired, I think I’m just gonna head upstairs and take a nap, especially if we are going to stay up for New Year’s.” I folded the empty paper bags and shoved them into the space between the cabinet and the side of the fridge.
“Good idea, I’ll make some lunch and bring it up,” Joanie answered as she slipped her phone back into her front pocket.
Out of habit, I pulled out my phone. Why hasn’t Max called or texted me yet? I knew he had to work, but I thought he’d find a moment to text me or something. I meandered up the stairs and with every step I could feel myself become more and more upset that I hadn’t heard from him. It wasn’t like I had to talk to him every hour of the day, but come on, it was past noon and there wasn’t even a text from him. No message or missed call…nothing. As I reached the top of the stairs, I didn’t head for my grandparents’ bedroom; instead I turned to the left and went down the hall to my room.
I pushed open the door, and instantly I could feel the familiar warmth of my memories as they swallowed me up. Posters of my favorite bands were pinned across every coverable space on the white walls. I swear I could smell the chocolate chip cookies that Gram would have for me every time I came home from Wesley. Nemo, my teddy bear, was looking stately, propped across my pillow. God, my bed was calling me. The plush dark green and brown comforter lay perfectly centered on my full-size bed.
It wasn’t long before events of the last couple of days really began to catch up to me. I just needed to close my eyes for an hour or two. I needed to regroup, rethink, and maybe even rejuvenate. I hurled myself onto my bed and heard the box spring recoil with the demand of my weight. It was something familiar that I needed; the sounds and smells of my life before it evolved into something laced up with the responsibilities of being on my own.
I closed my eyes, hoping to dream of rainbows and magical ponies; instead my head wouldn’t stop running with memories of growing up. Moments I’d missed with Candi and yet cherished with my grandparents; events from my life that I will always have to recall from a childish mind. There’d been so many times I wanted to reminisce with someone but couldn’t, because the only two other people who’d experienced the memories with me were gone. After these waves of I wish and if only, I felt my muscles relax and my heartbeat slow down as my visions changed from what could have been into what I want, with the most amazing man I’d ever met.