Even though I was completely exhausted, I was all wound up from thinking about Wilson. My pulse kept time with a race horse, my skin sensitive to the weight of my blankets, and my muscles tightened, reacting to the memories of my naked girlfriend flashing in my head. I needed to fall asleep, let go of everything building in my body. But I couldn’t go to sleep when I was that hard. I dug my heels into my bed and pressed my upper body heavily against my pillow as I thrust my hand below my navel, using the vision of Wilson being on top of me. Faster and faster I imagined her tightening around me, keeping me needing her. The swell of her breasts, the panting moans as she rolled her hips against me as the force of my grip sped. I felt the push and pull of my need to explode as sweat built and cooled my skin. My breathing broke to a pant as every muscle in my body stretched to the intense length of cruel agony before euphoric peace washed over me. My breath caught, my shoulders rounded, and my hips locked as every muscle in my body quaked, tightened, and released. I felt both frozen and thawed as I exploded. Every release and fulfillment I needed coursed from my body. I felt the physical surge push me to its limits before exhaustion flooded every cell of my being. Finally I was truly and completely exhausted. Spent, I rolled over, still shivering as my breathing returned to the natural ebb and flow of an acquired relief. It took no time at all to fall asleep.
Chapter Thirty-two
~ Wilson ~
I felt my skin pinch between the envelope and the flap that was keeping the contents sealed. I heard the fibrous paper tear along the fold of the envelope and felt the firm edge of the card dig at the cuticle of my nail bed. My eyes stung from not blinking in the attempt to find the smallest of clues that maybe this card wasn’t from Candi after all.
I looked into the broken envelope I’d ripped open with the intention of finding closure with Candi. Thrusting my fingers into the gap, I could feel the cool, glossy surface of the card. I pulled hard. The envelope crumpled and tore against the rising pressure of my impatience. It only broke free after bending to accommodate its jagged exit.
I tossed the envelope toward the end of the bed as I felt Joanie push closer, her weight intentionally pressing against my shoulder. I knew it was her way of telling me she was here for me. I looked down at the card. A picture of Van Gogh’s Starry Night covered the front. Different shades of melancholy blue and buttery yellow swirled and swam like turbulent currents in an evening sky above a gloomy city tucked among waves of bare, blue rolling hills. An out-of-place, dark green and brown flame-shaped object, most likely a tree, burdened the picture with its misrepresented size to the city below. Post-Impressionism at its best.
I took a labored breath, preparing myself for what I was going to find inside.
“Are you okay?” Joanie asked, resting her head against my shoulder.
“Just mentally preparing myself for what’s inside.”
I pull open the card. Writing filled the interior from edge to edge, cursive with some words smudged toward the bottom. I scanned the writing and noticed it was upside down. I turned the card around and started to read the words that were either going to give me closure or tear open every painful memory of my past.
My Dearest Wilson,
Well, you are 18 now. I guess Happy Birthday translates differently when writing from the disbelief that I actually have an adult daughter. I know, where’s my right to say that? Well, prayers only work if the other person you’re praying for is listening. Wilson, I’ve prayed every day that somehow you’d forgive me for what I did 10 years ago. I’ve hoped that you’d find it in your heart to see beyond the person I was back then. I know I’ve said this in every birthday card that I’ve ever sent you, but I was hoping this time would be different and I’d actually hear from you. I will not give up hope, because that’s about all I have left for us. I will never give up on the dream that we may someday have some type of relationship. I know I can’t expect to be the mom you deserve to have, but I would like to be some part of your life.
FYI, I just moved to Seattle the week before your birthday. I was offered a really good position at Washington General. I just couldn’t pass it up.
P.S. I’m truly sorry you had to go through losing your grandparents alone. I wish I could have been there for you, but they made it impossible for me to see you. I don’t even know if you’ll see this card! The only way I found to talk to you was through letters and cards I would send, hoping beyond hope they’d somehow find you and I’d hear back from you. I wish my parents would have found it in their hearts to forgive me for the mistakes I made. Maybe, someday, you will…I love you and always will until forever comes!