“Wilson, stop it! Don’t you see what you have? Just stop messing it up and be okay with what you have right now. Max wants you to go home with him. He wants you, home, with him,” Joanie steamed as she zipped her suitcase. I can always tell when she reaches a point of frustration with me; she tends to get short and her gestures become really exaggerated. I didn’t say another word, just finished packing.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re scared, Wilson. But Max loves you. I see it every time he looks at you. Even when he got in his car and drove away, something inside told me he wouldn’t be gone long. I mean, don’t forget this is the guy who just gave up his career to be with you,” Joanie said as she heaved her suitcase off the bed.
My throat went dry and my heart thumped in my chest. It really hadn’t hit me that Max wouldn’t be returning to Wesley; that when I went back, he wouldn’t be my government teacher any more. I would return to his room with someone else taking his place, writing words that he was supposed to scribble across the whiteboards; words that I will inevitably have to erase. My heart sunk. It was like I’d gotten a hole in my favorite pair of shoes. Suddenly what used to be the thorn in our relationship had become the missing piece to our puzzle.
He wouldn’t be the comfort I’d look forward to in the middle of my day. I wouldn’t have the moments of stolen glances and light brushes on my skin as he walked by my desk. Even though I knew it had to be that way, I could feel myself aching for what was left behind in a blink of an eye.
“Seems strange that he won’t be at Wesley,” I said as I, too, pulled my suitcase off the bed and dropped it to the ground.
“Yeah, I guess so. At least you won’t have to deal with the pressure of getting caught,” Joanie snickered.
I nodded my head, not really understanding where my feelings of loss were coming from. I was getting what I wanted, and yet I felt a wave of sadness break over me.
“You got everything?” Joanie asked as she tugged at the handle of her rolling suitcase.
I looked around, nodding my head. “Yeah, looks that way,” I answered in a lulled tone as I shuffled toward the bedroom door.
Joanie noticed and stopped walking.
“What do you want? Tell me now. I’ll back you up, but you gotta tell me what you want.” Joanie coached as she clutched my forearms and stared into my eyes until I wiggled and dropped my sight to the floor.
I guess she could tell I was struggling. But when you ooze your struggles out of every pore in your body, people are liable to take notice.
“I don’t know, J, maybe it’s the fact that, less than several hours ago, I told Max that I kissed Nick while he buried his father. And as all of that was bouncing around in my head, you reminded me that he gave up his career for me. I really don’t want him to hate me for ruining his life. So yeah, I have just a couple of things on my mind…that’s all.”
I struggled not to lose it. I didn’t want to cry. All I wanted to do was spew out all the poison that was filling my head. And poor Joanie seemed to be the closest person who was available to work all of my crap out on.
“Oh, Wilson, stop whining about what you don’t have or what you did or didn’t do and look at the second chance you have with the most amazing guy you’ve ever met,” Joanie huffed.
I didn’t say anything. Sometimes in life things decide to show up and make changes. Today was one of those days. I grabbed the handle on my suitcase and started for the door.
“Sorry,” Joanie mumbled.
“Don’t worry about it, Joanie. I just want to get back to who I was before all this shit came down. I just want to go back to my life,” I said, feeling steamy tears starting to roll down my cheeks.
I flung the door open and huffed out of the room with my head down. Unfortunately, I didn’t see where I was going and ran into Nick. He wrapped his arms around me, trying to make sure I didn’t bounce back off of him. As I looked up at him he looked hurried and tired. Dark circles had crept under his eyes in the few hours since I last saw him. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. With his hands firm and hot against my back, I inhaled his Aspen scent that once made me want him but now only made me sick to my stomach.
“Whoa, Wilson. You okay?” he asked as he leaned away from me searching for my eyes. He dragged his hands up my back and around my shoulders.
I couldn’t say anything, I was shocked that he was even here. I thought he’d left. I nodded and tried to pull away from him. He placed his hands on either side of my face.
Our eyes met and I could see how shattered I had left him. Everything that made him desirable dissolved when he looked at me. All that was left was a moment that nobody could take away from him; even if it had just been a spark of weakness on my part.