She didn't do any of these things. Shaken, like a coward, she murmured, "Okay."
Maddie pushed away from the wall on shaking legs. With one last look at Caleb, she turned back towards the door, pushing it open before hurrying upstairs to the office to collect her purse and jacket.
She only felt like she could breathe again once she was in the safety of her own car.
Her first kiss … and she didn't know whether it was the most exciting moment of her life, or the most devastating.
FOURTEEN
Maddie stayed in her car once she arrived back at her apartment. The drive hadn't helped calm her nerves and she desperately needed to talk to someone, to figure out what in the world had just happened between her and Caleb. So, she fished her phone out of her purse and dialed Kyra, the one person she knew with the most experience with men.
"I don't know if I did something stupid or not," Maddie told her once her best friend picked up.
There was a pause on Kyra's end. And then, "Please tell me you did something dirty with him."
"It … it wasn't dirty," Maddie started uneasily. Despite her words, Kyra shrieked excitedly on the other end and Maddie had to hold her phone away to prevent permanent hearing loss. "He kissed me. Or … I guess maybe I kissed him? I don't know. Everything happened so fast."
"Oh my God, oh my God."
Maddie sighed, placing an elbow on the steering wheel and propping her head up with her palm. The same palm Caleb had placed against the wall of the garage, telling her not to move.
"Okay, so wait, why is this a bad thing?" Kyra asked. "This is progress towards Caleb Montgomery popping your cherry."
Maddie groaned and cringed at the same time. "Ugh, can you not describe it like that?"
"Was it good? Did you like it?"
"Of course I-" she cut herself off because she wasn't actually sure. The kiss was good. Amazing. Fantastic. Everything she'd ever wanted when she'd fantasized about kissing Caleb all those years ago in high school. It was when the kiss ended that doubts began to plague her. Those she didn't like so much. "I don't know. It's complicated."
"Start from the beginning."
She was hesitant to. She didn't want to tell Kyra that Caleb had a panic attack in his office and that he needed to go outside to calm down. It felt like she was betraying him somehow because she knew he would never want anyone to know about it. The fact that it happened while she was in the office would probably bite her on the ass tomorrow.
So, instead, Maddie told Kyra that they'd had a little fight-which wasn't necessarily a lie because they had had a fight on Saturday and had barely spoken since-and he stormed out of the office. Maddie followed him and they talked.
"And then he noticed I was cold since I hadn't brought a jacket with me. And he held me to keep me warm," Maddie said quietly, remembering the shock and giddiness she'd felt. "And then it just kind of happened. Suddenly we were kissing. Then, he broke away … and he told me to leave."
Maddie heard Kyra blow out a breath on the other end. "Okay, don't move."
"What?"
"This calls for a proper night in. And we will analyze the shit out of this."
Maddie swallowed. "What if it's not a big deal? What if it didn't mean anything?"
"Nonsense. Caleb Montgomery kissed you. Since when did that not mean anything?"
Kyra came over a half an hour later, armed with hot chocolate and popcorn, Maddie's favorite combination.
"Okay, let's get down to business," Kyra declared, clapping her hands together gleefully like they were about to solve the most important mystery in the history of mankind. Maddie supposed that in her mind, they probably were. Kyra had also had a little crush on Caleb in high school, although not to the extent of Maddie's. Kyra had even tried to flirt with him once since they shared their gym period together, but apparently, he'd shut her down cold. Kyra had never quite gotten over it. "Tell me again, play-by-play."
Maddie sighed, already digging into the popcorn, settling down on her small couch. She told her again, trying to clearly remember the lie she told so she wouldn't mess it up the second time around.
"He so wants you," Kyra declared, triumphantly.
Maddie's stomach fluttered. In a way, she already knew that. She'd felt his … ahem … erection pressed against her earlier tonight. She'd seen the desire in his eyes that night in his office when he helped her pick up papers off the floor. For some reason, Caleb did want her … at least physically.
"Even if he does, he won't do anything about it," Maddie said, hearing the truth in her words even though she didn't want to. "He doesn't want me."