Annmarie shook her head. "I'd bet this condo that if you went to her and poured your heart out for once in your stubborn life, you'd get her back." Her fingers dug into his shoulders, as if she could shake sense into him.
He sighed. There was so much she didn't understand. Which, of course, was his fault for lying to her in the first place. What a mess. "Don't worry about me, okay?"
"I'll worry about you 'til I stop breathing," she said. "I'm a mother. It's part of the job description."
His shoulders lifted in a lifeless shrug. "Sorry about that."
"Don't be sorry," she demanded. "Get your head out of your ass and get Tess back."
He breathed out a chuckle. "Got a way with words."
"Logan. Honey . . ." She grabbed his face again, made him look into her eyes. "You deserve to be happy. Do you hear me?"
He nodded, but his throat was too thick to speak.
"I thought you'd stopped punishing yourself for the past, but I see clearly now that you never did. Hear me." She shook him a little. "You deserve to be happy."
His eyes stung. He didn't move, just met her intense stare.
"Does Tess make you happy?" she asked.
He nodded.
"Don't. Let. Her. Go." She stared harder. "Don't go through life like this. Yes, it's scary to think that you can lose the people who are important to you. That's why when someone great crosses your path, you've gotta hold on with everything you've got. It's what makes life meaningful. Our connections with others. It's a leap of faith, a risk . . . but it's a risk so worth taking."
Her hands slid down to his shoulders. "Logan . . . you can have happiness of your own. Fight for it. You have to try, or you'll never forgive yourself. I don't want that for you. You've wasted enough time beating yourself up, isolating yourself. Take a chance. She's wonderful, and she loves you. I know she does, even if you won't let yourself believe it." Suddenly she weaved where she stood.
Logan's hands shot out to grab her. "Whoa, I've got you. You okay?"
She felt wobbly to him. "Yeah. Just got a little light-headed. Looking up at you for too long made the blood rush back . . . Why do you have to be so damn tall?"
"Why do you have to exhaust yourself lecturing me?" he tried to joke back, even as he held her close to move her toward the living room couch.
"Because you're a frustrating moron," she grumbled, clinging to him as they walked slowly. "Good thing I love you more than life itself."
Chapter Twenty-Five
Logan moved through the next two days in something of a daze. His mother's words echoed through his mind over and over. She'd given him a lot to think about.
She'd been right. About everything.
He had spent the past decade-plus punishing himself. He'd come to a place of acceptance about the people who'd died and suffered during Katrina, but he hadn't fully forgiven himself. It was long past time to do that and let it go. It wasn't serving him, and dammit, it wasn't his fault the shelter had flooded. Every building in a four-block radius had been washed out; he wasn't God, it wasn't his fault, there wasn't anything more he could have done. There truly wasn't. Way past time to let that go.
As for Rachel . . . She hadn't been capable of giving him what he needed when he needed it most. He knew that. But it didn't mean he wasn't worthy of love and devotion. It meant she wasn't right for him, that was all. He had forgiven her for leaving, but . . . he'd never forgiven himself for choosing the wrong person. For being wrong about her, and feeling foolish for trusting and loving her. He had, and there was no shame in that. It didn't mean he couldn't, or shouldn't, love someone that way again.
And the Universe was laughing at him, because guess what? He already did.
And Tess cared about him too. He knew that. They'd connected, in a deep, true way that defied labels or explanation. If he didn't try to act on that, or at least tell her how he really felt, Annmarie was right. He'd regret it for the rest of his life.
But he'd hurt her deeply with his callous remarks in their last talk. He'd felt her anguish through the phone; it'd made him cringe. He had to fix it. He had to reach out . . .
First, however, was dinner with his mom. He got to her condo at five. Giving Richie some of his houses had been the right move, it freed up his schedule. He'd have plenty of time to work more hours after his mom was gone. For now, being able to see his mom every day was what he needed to do.
"Hi," he called out as he let himself into her place.
"Hi," she called back feebly. He could barely hear her.
He walked into the living room. She was on the couch, under three heavy quilts, her face pale. The TV blared the news; he grabbed the remote to mute it, then knelt beside her. She didn't look good. "Hey there." He put his hand against her cheek. She felt warm. "You okay?"
"I'm just cold," she said. "Couldn't get warm today." She shivered hard.
He swore under his breath, then said to her, "I think you have a fever, Mom. Let me make you some tea. We'll warm you up."
"Wait, before you do . . . look." She pointed across to the armchair and smiled. "I got a gift today."
"What?" Too worried to care about a gift, he glanced over at the chair in annoyance. Then stopped cold. It was a painting. "What is that?"
"Your lovely girlfriend sent it to me. It's wonderful, isn't it?" Annmarie's tired eyes crinkled at the corners as she smiled. "Look closer at it."
Logan went to the chair and picked up the canvas to study it. It was about a foot square. He knew Tess loved to paint, but she'd never let him watch her paint. He'd only seen pictures of her work on her phone, once he'd convinced her to show them to him. She'd been afraid to share them; too humble. Also, it was too intimate a thing to reveal that piece of herself to anyone. But she'd shown him.
"It's really good," he murmured as his eyes caressed the canvas. Greens, blues, browns, white . . . "You know what this is?" he asked, turning back to his mother. "It's the view outside her house. Up on Red Mountain."
"I thought so."
"That house is crazy gorgeous-the whole back wall, from the ground floor to the top, is glass. Like a big panoramic window instead of a wall. And this is the view. She really captured it beautifully . . ." Swirls of snow, a sea of forest pines, the majesty of the mountains under a bright blue sky. And her initials, modestly small black letters in the bottom right corner. His fingers caressed them. "She sent you this?"
"It came today," Annmarie said. "Awfully thoughtful of her."
"Yes, it was." He eyed a flowered card on the chair that must have been under the painting. He picked it up. "Mind if I look at this?" he asked.
"Go right ahead," Annmarie said.
He held the small painting in one hand to read the card with the other. Tess's handwriting was elegant and lovely, just like her.
Dearest Annmarie,
I heard you're not feeling well, and hoped a little gift might cheer you up a bit. Forgive me for being presumptuous in assuming you'd want a piece of my work, but you asked to see it several times, so I hoped you weren't being merely complimentary and meant what you said. (I think you must have; you're a no-nonsense woman.) So I hope you'll enjoy this painting. I worked on it while I was there this winter . . . while I spent time with your son. We used to sit on the couch together and talk while staring out at this view. While we did, I fell in love with him a little more each day.
And bonus, I fell in love with you too. Hoping you'll feel that love in this gift.
xoxo
Tess
Logan felt light-headed. Like the air in the room had evaporated.
"She calls me once a week, you know," Annmarie said. "Has since she left."
"I didn't know," he managed.
"Yup. On Mondays. Just to say hi, and check on me. When I called her today to thank her for this, she sounded so sad. She hated that she didn't know I'd gotten worse. You and I keep shielding her from it. That's not fair. She cares about me."
"I know she does," he whispered roughly.
"I apologized for shielding her and promised I wouldn't again. She thanked me and told me, in as few dignified, tactful words as possible, that you two aren't speaking anymore. She sounded miserable." Annmarie shivered again. "I'm too tired to argue with you about it now. That tea sounds like a good idea. Could you please?"