“Relationships aren’t always cut and dried. You were one of the lucky ones, Kirk. You fell in love with Alison, and she returned your feelings. Even though it was cut short, you had a happy marriage. Plenty of people don’t ever get to experience that in their entire life.”
Kirk suddenly went rigid, eyes narrowed on her, hands shoved into the pockets of his shorts. He didn’t say a word, and the impervious set of his mouth indicated he had no intention to.
Ordinarily she would’ve taken the hint and changed the subject, but not this time. Not after what had happened to them in the past forty-eight hours. It might just have been sex—glorious, earthy sex—but she had changed. Seeing the lust burning in his eyes, lust aimed solely at her, had helped her see herself in a new light. She might not be the love of his life, she might only be a passing fancy, but nothing could take away from the fact that she’d turned him on, aroused him, affected him. That little taste of power over him was fleeting but significant.
“What’s your secret, Kirk?” she asked. “Was it pure luck that you met Alison? Before her, you never kept a girlfriend for more than two months.”
He twisted his head away. “I don’t want to talk about Alison.”
Her heart shrank at the grim set of his profile, but something spurred her on, even if it hurt her as much as it did him. “Why not? I didn’t know Alison. What was it about her that made you fall in love with her?”
“Why do you want to know? Why now?” His eyes were hard as slate. “She’s dead. Can’t you let it rest?”
Cassie stepped back, jarred by his outburst. The barrier he’d thrown up was terrifying, but she couldn’t wilt at the first sign of opposition.
She drew in a breath, steadied her voice. “Your marriage was a big part of your life, and I don’t know anything about it. It’s only natural that I’m curious, but if you don’t want to talk about it, of course I’ll respect your wishes.”
She turned away, striving to be as dignified as possible, and began to walk back down the path. Moments later, quick footsteps sounded behind her.
“Cassie, wait up.” Kirk sounded irritated.
She paused, her skin clammy, shivering despite the sunshine pouring down.
“I didn’t mean to blow up like that.” He thrust his fingers through his hair, clearly agitated. “But I’m a private person. You know that. I don’t find it easy to talk about things like my marriage.”
The turmoil in his eyes was plain to her. She was beginning to regret forcing the issue. “Yes, I should know that by now. Guys don’t like talking about mushy stuff. I don’t like talking about mushy stuff. It’s just that”—she bit her lip—“I’m kinda envious of what you had with Alison.”
She swallowed, aware that this was the closest she’d ever come to declaring her feelings for him. The trees rustled in the breeze, and from below came the distant sound of people talking.
“You shouldn’t be envious.” Kirk squinted into the sun, his expression enigmatic. “It wasn’t all wine and roses.”
“That’s understandable.” She had to force the words past her aching throat. “Alison’s illness was terrible.”
He spun toward her, lips moving as if he meant to speak, but then he fell silent and just shook his head. His face was gaunt, and if she had to describe his expression, the first word that came to mind was regret.
The sound of approaching walkers grew louder, and a couple of figures appeared among the trees below them.
“We should head back.” Kirk hoisted the backpack over his shoulder.
They started down the track, exchanging nods with the group headed up when they crossed paths. As the path wound down the hill, the trees surrounded them again, and to Cassie the green gloom intensified her sudden melancholy. Being friends-with-benefits with Kirk was turning out to be a rollercoaster ride. One minute she was on a high from the sex and the special connection they had, the next she was plunged low, brought back to earth by the realization that whatever they had was just a pale shadow of what Kirk had shared with Alison.
Sooner or later it might be wiser to get off the rollercoaster completely, regardless of how wonderful the highs were.
…
Kirk couldn’t remember when last he’d blown off work to spend a day with a friend, and at first he was glad he’d done it. A trip to Yosemite was the perfect outing for Cassie, and the day had been going great until somehow the conversation turned to Alison. After that, nothing could revive their earlier exuberant mood, though they both tried.
They were in the helicopter and not far from San Francisco. As they neared the city, the setting sun bathed the landscape in liquid gold, the buildings shimmering against the blues and crimsons of the sea and sky. Beside him, Cassie sighed. With her chin propped on her hand and a faraway look in her eyes, she seemed wistful. What was she thinking about?
A sunset helicopter ride over San Francisco—one of those schmaltzy things dewy-eyed couples did, or tourists who’d listened to Tony Bennett too much. Did Cassie consider this romantic? He supposed she did.
Once more he wondered if he should have told her the truth about Alison back at the lookout when she’d asked. Cassie was a loyal friend; if he confided in her, she wouldn’t spread the story around. Alison had begged him to maintain the façade, but that was only for her family and friends. Cassie wasn’t one of them. But deep down he knew Alison would hate Cassie knowing the truth because Alison had always looked down on Cassie.
His fingers dug into his knee. Part of him longed to tell her—the burden of secrecy was more onerous than he’d realized—but another part shied away. Revealing his true feelings made him vulnerable. He’d been in the habit of masking his feelings for so long that he couldn’t even imagine himself laying his soul bare to another person, even to one as empathetic as Cassie.
One day he might bring himself to confide in her, but that was in the distant future. Still, his reticence had stung her and spoiled the mood of the day. He wanted to make it up to her.
He glanced down at her free hand resting lightly on her leg. Should he shift up to her and hold her hand? No, friends with benefits didn’t hold hands. That would cross the line into romantic territory. They weren’t romantically involved. They loved each other, sure, but they weren’t in love. That was the big difference, the line that separated what was fun, uncomplicated, and easy from what was dark, complex, and difficult.
Though he’d like to hold hands with Cassie, he had to make sure he remained on this side of the line.
“Not bad, huh?” he said, pointing to the golden-hued buildings.
She glanced at him with a faint smile. “You know what’s amazing? Down on the streets there, thousands of people are scurrying about completely oblivious to all this beauty. But from up here it’s…it’s like El Dorado. The lost city of gold.”
And now he really did want to hold her hand. He curled his fingers into a fist to prevent any impulsive move.
“You’re right,” he said. “I fly in the company helicopter all the time, and usually I’m buried in paperwork or on the phone. I don’t often see El Dorado.” Except with her.
She gave him a soft smile, all trace of annoyance gone. That was one of the things he liked most about Cassie—she didn’t sulk or hold a grudge.
“Thanks for taking me to Yosemite today,” she said. “It was a wonderful trip.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” The molten orb of the sun was almost touching the horizon. Soon it would disappear, and night would roll on, but he didn’t want this day to end. “What do you want to do tonight? Want to go have dinner in Chinatown again?”
“Sounds great. I’ll need to take a shower when we get home, though. I feel all sticky.”
I’ll give you a hand or two in the shower. He was about to verbalize his thoughts when he remembered the pilot. He wasn’t sure the pilot had muted his headset to give them privacy.
“There’s no rush,” he replied. “We’ve got plenty of time.”
Plenty of time to soap Cassie up in the shower, then take her up against the tiled wall. He could almost feel himself sheathed in her tight heat, with one of her legs wrapped around his hip and her firm ass cupped in his hands. With her suppleness and height, he could stand in the shower and ride her for ages. His erection pressed against the zipper of his shorts. Damn, how long would it take in rush hour traffic to get Cassie back to his house?
The helicopter landed and they transferred into Kirk’s car. The roads were clogged, and all the lights seemed to conspire against them, but eventually they were in his neighborhood, and the traffic thinned out. As they cruised down his street, the setting sun slanted through the windscreen, causing him to slow down.
Cassie sat up and peered ahead, shading her eyes against the glare. “There’s someone waiting outside your house.” She tensed and leaned forward. “It looks like… Oh my God, it can’t be!”
He glanced at her, senses alert. “Who is it?”
“I—I—” She clutched her knees. “I can’t believe it.”