“The reason is sitting right next to you.”
“Nuh-uh. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to use us, our relationship, our love, as a reason. It’s not a reason. It’s who we are. Or at least who we used to be. These days, I’m not so sure.”
“If we don’t go, I’ll lose this job.”
“And would that be so bad?” Sheryl blurted it out, and it felt damn good.
Kristin shook her head. “Thank goodness you’ve only drunk one glass. Or shall I pour you another so you can finally muster up the courage to tell me what you really think?”
“I’ve never lacked the courage.”
“Oh no? Then why have we never properly talked about this? Only argued our way through a bunch of miserable fights that don’t solve a thing.”
“Because you see your job as some sort of holy grail that can’t be criticized at all. Oh, it’s work, so that ends every discussion, because of what work means to you. Like your self-esteem depends on it. Like there’s nothing else more important than that company you work for. You sell wine. You’re not exactly saving lives.” Sheryl would not let this spiral into a critique on her personality so quickly. How could Kristin even think of accusing her of a lack of courage?
“And you do?”
“This has nothing to do with my job. My job does not interfere with our personal lives. When was the last time you came home from work and I wasn’t here? I come home to an empty house every single day and I’m sick of it. I might as well live alone.”
Kristin pushed her chair back a little. “Can’t you see I’m doing this for us?”
“No, because you’re not. I don’t know why you believe work to be so important. Perhaps it’s a sign of the times. Or perhaps it’s because you feel you need to prove something to your parents. Perhaps you feel like making a lot of money will somehow tamper their disappointment about you not following in their footsteps and becoming a doctor. Perhaps it’s even because you feel guilty about being a lesbian. The point is, I don’t know why, but it sure as hell isn’t for us. Because the only thing it’s doing for us, is ruining us.”
Kristin was silent for a long time. Sheryl’s heart thudded violently in her chest. She needed another sip of wine just to calm herself down, but she was afraid to reach for the glass. Afraid of being judged for it. Afraid of needing it beyond a point of no return.
“So what do you suggest I do? Tell my boss Hong Kong is off the table, lose my promotion, take a pay cut and go back to my previous position?” Kristin said it as though she was suggesting someone chop off her right arm. As though the loss of title, prestige, and income equaled the loss of her inner strength.
“We can’t go to Hong Kong and save this relationship at the same time. There’s just no way.”
“So you’re asking me to take a step back for you.”
“For us.”
Kristin gave an almost imperceptible nod. “I’m not sure I can do that.”
“I was afraid you’d say that.”
“I’m going for a walk. A long one.” Kristin rose. “Shall I pick you up another bottle of wine?”
Sheryl didn’t say anything, just stared at the glass in front of her. She counted the seconds until Kristin left—after wanting to be near her so desperately all those times she was away, she just wanted her to leave as quickly as possible. Once she’d gone, Sheryl tipped the glass to her lips and drank.
Chapter Fifteen
Kristin walked and walked. She walked until Sheryl’s words no longer reverberated throughout her. Until all she saw was Sheryl sitting on the patio with a glass of red wine in front of her. Had Kristin done that to her? Had she driven Sheryl to the bottle the way Sheryl’s mother’s suicide had driven her father to it? The image certainly shocked Kristin into giving herself a reality check. But why was it so hard for them? Cassie had two small children, ran a preschool, and had a successful marriage. Her boss Nigel, who worked about the same hours as Kristin did, had three children and a wife who worked part-time. She and Sheryl didn’t have children, leaving them plenty more time to focus on work, so why was Sheryl freaking out about it so much?
While it was true that most of her colleagues were always complaining about lack of time, that was just the way it was. It came with having a high-powered job. Never enough hours in the day and a to-do list that stretched a couple of weeks. Stress. Not seeing loved ones enough. Up until recently, Kristin had never questioned any of these things. It was simply the way things were when you had a full-time job. Coming home from work and flipping open the laptop in front of the TV to catch up on e-mails. Setting the alarm half an hour early so she could arrive at the office before the others and catch up on some more e-mails before colleagues started to trickle in with their own needs and questions.