They slink into the crowd as I turn to Donovan and say, “Really, it’s fine.”
I head outside, over to the retaining wall a few groups chill at, chatting, drinking, and stuff. There’s a huge gap between two groups and I head toward it, glad to have time to myself. I’m wondering why I’m still partying. Beside the moment on stage for Scout, Steph and the others, I haven’t felt “it”, being the usual heart-pumping excitement, and the thrill at the thought of getting plastered and making out all night, and more. It could be because Nate isn’t here, but I still want to get away, and if he were free, I’d want to be curling up with him in bed. Doing something or nothing, yet doing everything I want with him.
I sit there for a few seconds before I get up. I don’t have to be here at all. What I want to do is grab a chai latte from McDonald’s, since it’s the only thing open at this time, and go to the nearest twenty-four hour Kmart where I can print a photo of Nate and I that I’ve been wanting, sign it with words and hearts and leave it at his door for him to receive, a little gift to let him know I’m thinking of him.
Which I can do. Now.
I get up, say goodbye to Steph and Scout and tell them that one of our other friends is out front waiting to pick me up. Scout would want to walk me out otherwise, and I don’t want to drag her away from Steph. Plus, there’s more than enough lighting from the path up to the nearest main road to see, and I can easily cab it from there.
• • •
Outside, Scout follows me anyway, not allowing me to walk alone. The thumping and party sounds are contained, and the relief floods me as it always does after a party. I’m still drunk as I usually am, wobbling down the inclined path, or on the line between the concrete, but Scout and I steady each other. Inside was toxic and I’m glad I left.
We keep our heads down until the path levels, and then start walking faster when the main road is just around the corner, flooded with cabbies waiting to rip off people like myself.
Scout’s phone goes off and she holds up her finger to stop me, and we wait on the side of the path as she answers.
“Yeah? … Now? … Why?” Scout looks at me funny, but doesn’t provide more information. “Ah, sure. Be there now.”
Scout turns and says, “You don’t mind if I take off back inside? Steph needs me.”
It’s completely dark being so late, but the street lamps are frequent, barely leaving a black spot on the road and the nature strip. It’s just on the other side of the path it starts to get black. I know couples sometimes hide to kiss, make out or have sex there. I know I have before; and I’m excited that I never will again.
“No, all good. Go.”
Scout winks. “Okay, have fun.”
Fun? I say bye anyway and we part, me wondering how the hell she knows my plans since I didn’t give details, unless she’s done some scheming of her own.
Minutes later, I hear footsteps behind me before I hear, Donovan’s voice, “Hey, Kalli! Wait up.”
I wait on the path for him, Donovan jogging up to meet me. I try to look for Scout, but she’s long gone. I don’t even get why she’d want me and Donovan to make up.
“‘Ey. I actually was going to pop out to grab some ciggies. You don’t know if there’s a store open nearby, do you?”
It’s only a moment, and Donovan doesn’t notice it while he speaks to me, but I wonder why the hell him, now, here. I’m sure he knows that one of the biggest chain stores is just around the corner. I bet he knows it’s in the opposite direction to where I’m headed. And I wouldn’t be walking to the main street unless I wanted to leave. If he’s trying to get me to stay, it’s not happening.
Any other day I’d help him, but at this time, here, I need to get away. “Nah, sorry.”
“Okay.” He steps away, but quickly cries, “Shit!” Donovan hops on one foot and I grab his hand so he doesn’t topple over. “Just a minute.”
“What’s up?”
I take him to the side outside the party, where there’s a couple of benches overlooking some scarce gardening. He hops there on my arm, then bends to pull off his shoe as his face draws near to mine reactively, a grimace tightening his expression. Somehow he’s an inch from my face, and we both notice it.
I have no desire to kiss him.
I used to look at hot guys like him and was fuelled to kiss them because I desired what they could offer. Now, he can’t offer me anything, so I’m not interested.
Except he forgets about his shoe, and grabs my face in a reflex. I pull back, but his lips meet mine, and for a moment I freeze in shock.