Being Kalli(54)
I shake my head, as her answer, “no”.
“Was I there?”
With every word she speaks, my strength unribbons, like the lining of a frayed hem. Weakened, I prop my chin on her shoulder. I whisper, “What are you talking about ‘there’?”
“How many times?”
The fuck, Kalli? That voice tells me. You need to be the strong one for this family. The glue. People in my position are trusted to be strong. Those people aren’t dirty, slutty fuck ups. They’re normal.
It’s what I’ve tried to be since the decision to survive, to move on from what He did.
Once, when I told Mum that I got drunk and the reason she needed to quickly pick me up from a house party was that a guy tried to force himself on me, she took me home, all happy and assuring me it was okay. All okay, everything. We went to bed and I didn’t see her for days. I had to wait for the drug bender to end to get her back. She was so unresponsive. I felt guilty for making him do that to me because of what happened to her afterward.
Now, she doesn’t ask more and I don’t tell her what she’s thinking is wrong, but she holds me, hugs me closer to her at the waist. When we leave my room, I decide to play with a mindless app on my mobile and Mum pulls out a novel and we keep each other company without talking at all.
• • •
Two weeks after He changed me, Mum sits us down at the couch in the living room. I’ve been staying at the library and going to the shops after school although I don’t have much pocket money to spend, then going straight to my bedroom once Mum’s home from work. I lock the door until dinner, pretend I ate too much from the cafeteria at school, and lock myself back in my bedroom.
This one day, on the couch, Mum says, “Kalli, I know you’ve been wanting a baby brother or sister, so we’ve decided to start trying!”
I’m so shocked I can’t even force a smile. Can’t muster a couch-jumping squeal, and I know I would have done one if He never touched me. But I can’t pretend to be happy after two weeks of being alone so much, being so hungry yet too sick to eat, being ditched by all my friends but Scout and Nate who just talk to each other and give me the protection from bullies by allowing me to sit and pretend I know what they’ve been talking about.
“Cheer up, girly!” Mum sings. “What is wrong with you? You always used to bug me about this.”
Yes, I think, but that was before I knew what He would do to you to give me that brother or sister.
“I don’t want one now.” I cross my arms and slink as far away as I can from Him.
“Kalli, we talked about this for you. He’s been bringing me flowers and deliveries of chocolate at work, and even bought me a giant teddy on the weekend. When I asked him why the sucking up, he said he wanted for us to make a family and have a baby. Didn’t you, honey?” He nods. Mum claps her hands excitedly. “Finally! Isn’t this going to be cool?”
“No,” I say.
“You’re such a moody, whiny girl, Kalli. I just don’t understand. He and I will have lots of fun extending our family.” Mum winks at the devil. “And maybe when you snap out of this depressing mood you’ve been in, you’ll see how much you wanted the company.”
Suddenly, I panic. If Mum is fed up with me she’ll leave. I need to tell her what He did! She can’t leave me with him. I need to tell her now. I’m ready!
“Mum,” I say. “It’s just …” I pretend to go all embarrassed because He must be thinking about me telling on him. “I learned some girly stuff in class about reproduction and, and I think it happened to me. Can I talk to you in the kitchen?”
Thank God, it came out so smoothly. Mum takes me to the kitchen.
“Oh wow, Kalli? Did you get it?”
It? What’s “it”? And it hits me soon enough, so I bow my head and nod into my hands.
“I did. It scared me and it was so sudden.”
The teacher told me these things and more. I haven’t got my period yet and hope I don’t, because the teacher told us I could have a baby if a boy is near me in that way and I get my period for the first time soon after. And He’s so big and a man and could definitely make me pregnant.
Mum pats my shoulder and spins me. “What are you wearing now?”
“Just toilet paper shoved in there, but Mum, I have something important about Him—”
“Crap, Kalli. I’ll just go shopping and get dinner and pads and tampons for you. I’ll get it all. Just wait here. Tell me that thing later.”
“Mumm,” I wail, please.
But she tells me not to be scared. She calls Him and asks him to tell me it’s okay and to explain, and He walks me to the front door, his big fingers digging into my shoulder. He waves Mum goodbye and asks how long she’ll be.