Being Kalli(44)

“Me … too.”

Nate shakes his head, chuckles once. “You didn’t feel the same way about me as I did for you, if you could do that.”

“That’s the thing.” I stare into his eyes, feeling how I’d rather just dream and be lost in them than whatever train wreck I cause every time I say something. “I knew we had more. I felt it, because I knew I was fucking it up. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I’m used to hurting me, and so I kept hurting me. I didn’t know what the hell to do with everything I felt for you, because I didn’t realise I was repressing.”

“That’s … God.” I think I hear him whisper as he draws his big hands down his face. “I came here to listen to why you did it and walk out.”

“Don’t go,” I tell him. I beg him. I’m reduced to pleading, and I know it won’t work because begging puts a person off more, but I’m desperate, wanting to just bear hug him so he can’t leave.

I draw the line before there, though.

“I have to,” he says.

And leaves.



• • •



Sitting at my desk, I have shamelessly spent the last quarter hour doodling hearts on sticky-note pads, my uni diary and other papers. I go back and erode the edges to give them a grunge look, and my latest one has a spear through it, and it leaks lead blood. My hair is pinned behind my ears, and after a while I feel tension between my eyebrows where I must have had them scrunched for too long. The air has been still and invisible, like a portal that keeps me in my own world and other comings and goings separate.

As soon as I hear a knock at my door, I unhook my hair from my ears to frame my face, but it’s just Mum.

I expected that.

She asks if I want to come on a shopping day with her and the twins, and I agree, telling her to just chill out and I’ll get their stuff ready and whatnot.

“Want a shopping trip? Mum wants to buy you some monster trucks. I told her you guys would love it?”

My unsure voice has Seth and Tristan pleading. I get Seth into a printed top with a little hoodie. Tristan couldn’t care less, so I put him in jeans and a plain, long-sleeved shirt.

When I come back from getting the boys ready, Mum’s softly snoring. I tell the twins to shush and get their favourite fruit bars and tubs of sliced fruit in juice for when the time comes and they’re starved to death. When I’ve packed a little paper bag I toss it in my handbag, and they sink to their knees on the rug, building structures with their blocks.

I sit on the tiles beside Mum on the couch. She looks peaceful resting, but must sense me there and her eyes snap open, jolting me back.

“Our day is going to be so good, Kalli.” She jerks up as if she’d never been down and rubs her hands together.

“Boys,” she calls, as they turn and drop everything in their hands. “We’re getting monster trucks and we’ll search every store until we get two perfect ones.”

Our afternoon transpires onward and upward. Mum, Seth and Tristan look like they’re having the time of their lives. We enter a small, boutique toyshop. Price tags are printed—I’m sure—for shock value. There’s a toy figure crafted so alike a full-scale sports car I have to squint at it in my hands just to make sure someone hasn’t shrunk the real deal. When Mum starts making vrooommm sounds and the boys follow suit, all three of them crawling on the floor with the cars still in the boxes, I’m not surprised when a man in a suit comes around from the back and tells us we probably can find what we’re looking for at Toys R Us.

It gets worse at Toys R Us (or better, depending on how you look at it). A whole store dedicated to every sort of toy for children of all different ages.

“Hey, kiddos,” I say. All three turn. “I’ll just grab an ice cream and wait in the food court.”

Mum nods and the boys go back to playing. I can’t get out of there fast enough.

I buy an ice cream from McDonald’s and savour the crunchy pieces. Still waiting, I buy some chips. As I’m a couple away from finishing, I see the twins. They come barrelling down the food court, getting everyone’s attention. They both have one over-sized shopping bag in each hand.

They jump all over the place and try to unpack their monster trucks right there, but I manage to break them a deal to hold on. A deal that involves ice cream.

When Mum sits beside me, I say, “You’re in a good mood today.”

She nudges me. Gives me a look. “Don’t you know it. We had so much fun. ‘Ey boys?”

They are licking so hard and fast neither notice.

“Oh well. I think that’s a yes?”

“I agree.”