Being Kalli(35)

Her eyes seem to sadden, as if asking me if I’m really telling the truth. A grin slips out the corner of my mouth. I bare all my teeth and let her feel the power of a real smile.

Scout smiles, but her eyes are glassy, and I manage to catch her first tear with my thumb under her chin.

She talks through some of the stuff she’s hidden and the “plans” she’d made so she didn’t draw too much attention to her nature. Until Steph. She seemed to connect with her past a physical level even though they made out the first night they met. I guess relationships that are meant to be will eventuate no matter how they begin.

“Another thing.”

“God, Scout,” I cry, feigning shock, “don’t tell me you have another super secret to share.”

She shakes her head, diverts her eyes. I gulp, feeling the shift in mood. This feels edgy. Like we’re both trying to balance glasses on a tray while walking on a treadmill or something.

I speak up first. “Yeah?”

“This whole conversation has been about me. I feel bad, when I’ve just sat here and ignored you.”

“Don’t be silly. That doesn’t make sense. We’re talking. This is a two-way conversation.”

“See? There? You get really passionate about something and totally focus on someone else—me. I love that you want to hear about me all night, but I dunno, it’s a lot to chalk up.”

“Oh, you’re mean,” I say, not realising I’m again deflecting.

I know exactly what’s coming.

“Fine.” I pick up Breaking Bad. “We’ll watch this. It better be good or I’ll wring your neck. Since we don’t have to talk about you anymore anyway.”

She holds my gaze for a moment or two longer. I feel the power, how I manipulate people without intentionally doing so. In the end, I must look icier than I meant. I didn’t mean to look or act like a bitch at all. I just want a break. I’m thinking of Nate but also Him since he’s the reason I can’t stand the idea of relationships. And that man doesn’t deserve to be mentioned after how he ruined my childhood, and life.

So conversation: over.

“All righty. We’ll watch it.”

Scout grabs the DVD in my hand, both of us holding it until my heart drops, and I feel numb yet heavy at the same time and I want to sleep and sleep.

I sit back against her bed, watching her prepare. Open the case. Finger the hole in the DVD and push it in the slot. Work her way to the right buttons on the remote. When her body rests up against the spot beside me, her presence jolts me.

There’s a flash.

It’s him, pinning me with his weight.

Pressure within me builds.

It’s him from within my head telling me I’m pretty enough to act like a grown woman, but only for him.

… building …

I get what that feeling is about now.

Protection: there’s a fine line between that and suffocation, and sometimes you can’t see that difference.

It frightens me that I’ll lose my loved ones, one by one. I’ve protected things by doing it this way for nine years, but I’m losing Nate, lost respect from most of my friends, and I don’t know my mother—not really. What do I have to lose if I blurt out the word vomit now? Surely it’s gotta be my last save, my last chance to keep Scout’s and my relationship since I’m creating a silent barrier between us.

“It was one of Mum’s boyfriends.” She turns and I bite my lip, and stare at a stain on her collar as I continue, “I always knew who did it, I lied. He was Mum’s favourite, of all her exes, the most-loved-by-others ex-boyfriend who made me watch Killing Me Softly with him when I was ten that first time.”

That’s all I can say. I feel my blood boiling. I need to punch something. The temptation is too much with Scout’s mattress right behind me, so from behind I punch the underside of her bed, which is wood and makes the pain so much more pleasurable.

But when Scout offers me her shoulder, her arms to hold all my pain, I just nuzzle into her neck and sob. I take it.

“You know, the toughest people are only defined by recognising their fears and admitting them. You can’t fight invisible, but you can fight what’s out in the open in front of you. I know silence feels like the right thing for you to do, but we’re here for each other and I don’t know how much longer you can hold this superhuman force of acting so collected when you’re not. Kalli, it’s okay to let go. Because you won’t go anywhere but right here.”

I allow my hands to drop, to stop. Stop the fighting.

Being held by Scout just highlights how trapped I am with no known way out. I’m so close and yet so distant from help.