Being Kalli(30)

Usually it takes the quiet after the party ends for that to happen. It’s the same pattern: I stumble in the door, collapse face-first on my bed, twist and turn, sometimes throw up. Feel so hollow someone could knock and I’d echo. Sleep.

Why do I always feel so powerful giving my body away when the very next morning I am back to being nothing?

What if Nate and I didn’t have sex? If we just hung out alone? Baby steps.

I think and it leads down the same path.

The only thing scarier than me wanting to have sex with Nate somewhere dark and romantic where only him and I can share our laboured breathing is being alone with Nate in a dark room and not having sex at all.





12




I turn the corner out of the hallway, back to the dance floor, and bump straight into Scout. Her eyebrows are perked up and her expression shocked, so her words don’t surprise me.

“Now that’s one way to make things messy.”

I tut, shooing her question away with a face, like, What? I’m confused.

Scout grips onto my upper arm, her fingers too tight to throw off unless I, yeah, throw her off. And I’m sane enough to realise I don’t need more attention right now.

“Just drop it for now. I can’t think straight.”

It’s true. Scout’s Ginger-Spice-type tube dress is making me see glitter everywhere as it reflects from the disco ball, and my thoughts are jumbled since I successfully stuffed everything up. At the forefront is when Nate finds out about it. I wish I could stop time. I didn’t do it to hurt him, but my actions obviously will.

The topic of my event in the hallway isn’t dropped. Scout tells me that guy bumped into her and told her we were pretty much fucking on the wall, thanks to Scout hearing sounds. She asks why the hell I went and did that, just as we find a couch and flop into it. Finally sitting, my body feels drained, in relaxation mode.

“You’re asking me?” I say to Scout. “I don’t know!” I throw my hands up in exasperation.

“I’m asking you. I don’t know what crazy thoughts went through your head to do that, there, with him.”

“Well, Donovan offered me drinks. It just gathered steam from there.”

“You said you thought he’d be shit and you weren’t into him anymore. That’s all.”

Something goes bing! in my mind, as if I’ve been saved.

“I had to try, ya know?”

Scout rolls her eyes.

“What about that girl, Steph,” I say, changing the subject. “What’s going on with her?”

The subject is dropped after that. Scout’s voice ups an octave, and her hands flutter in the air, and her expression is animated as she talks. Gushes, is a better description. Truth be told, I’ve been waiting for Scout to start seeing a girl. She just doesn’t seem as into guys, though she always reminds me she’s straight.

I’m happy for her. Listening to all this gushing makes me happy. We cross our legs and turn into each other as we let the crowd wash away. I’m engrossed, letting Scout’s voice lead the conversation until Donovan’s voice pops over my shoulder.

“I’m ready for it now.”

I startle at his voice and half spin back with my legs still facing Scout. “For …?” It hits me after I start speaking. “I’m talking. Seriously, right now? I’m hanging out with Scout.”

Donovan scoffs. “Really? You seem to want no privacy, and don’t give a shit. I’m ready to go out the back again or whatever.”

“Donovan, leave before I make you,” Scout warns.

Donovan chuckles. “You? What could you do? You didn’t see Kalli all over me. So shut the—”

“No, but I could kick your ass and I’ll make you leave.”

Nate.

Oh holy mother of all craps.

“Well, another time, Kalli. Say hi to round two for me.” He winks at Nate, but that look evaporates as he looks behind Nate and sees Nate’s friends.

I’m barely offended. I asked to be treated like this. I am a hoe. I’m stupid for not thinking ahead to the scenario where Donovan wanted me to get him off. The idea of touching him is suddenly repulsive. I feel sick.

It’s like I’ve cheated on Nate even though it was clear we weren’t dating.

“Tha—”

“You okay—”

Nate and I cut off at the same time and settle for a half-hearted smile of acknowledgement.

I wonder how much he knows.

“So,” Scout chimes in.

Right. She’s still there.

“On that note, I’m gonna find me my hot chickster.”

I didn’t mean for Nate to catch my expression, but both out faces dropped at the same time. If he’s on the same wave-length as me, it’s you cannot go now.