Behind Closed Doors(82)

When morning comes, I get dressed, pick up the phone and dial Jack’s number.

‘Hello, darling, I wasn’t really expecting to get you because it’s two in the morning in England so you must be fast asleep, but I thought I’d leave a message for you to listen to when you wake up. I meant to phone you before I went to sleep last night, but I lay down on the bed at six in the evening and only woke up ten minutes ago, which just goes to show how tired I was! I’m going down to breakfast in a minute but I’ve got no idea how I’m going to spend the rest of the day—I might go for a walk, but I’ll probably just hang around the pool. Will you give me a ring when you wake up? You can always leave a message at the reception if I’m not in my room. I feel an awfully long way away from you—which I am, of course. Anyway, I love you and miss you, don’t forget to phone me.’

I make my way down for breakfast. Mr Ho is on duty. He asks if I slept well and I tell him that I did. He suggests I eat out on the terrace and I cross the lobby, remembering all the times Jack walked me across it on the way to the dining room, his hand gripping my arm tightly while he whispered menaces in my ear.

Once outside, I help myself to fruit and pancakes and find a table in the corner, wondering if anyone else in the world has been as fooled by a man as I was. It seems strange that I’ll never be able to tell anyone what I’ve been through, never be able to tell them about the monster I was married to, not if everything turns out as I hope it will.

I eat slowly, needing to pass the time and, as I eat, I realise that if I crane my neck I can see the balcony of the room on the sixth floor where I spent so many lonely hours. I sit there for over an hour, wishing I’d brought a book with me. Sitting on my own with nothing to distract me might look suspicious, as there can’t be many people who go on holiday without taking a book with them except those that leave in a hurry. I seem to remember Jack walking me past a second-hand bookshop on our way to take photographs of the two of us having a wonderful time in Bangkok, so I leave the hotel and go in search of it. I find it easily; it’s the sort of place I love, but I feel too conspicuous to linger so I buy a couple of books and return to the hotel, marvelling that I can feel relatively safe in a place that once held such horrors for me.

In my room, I change into a bikini and go down to the pool, arming myself with a book and a towel. As I climb out of the pool after a swim, I notice a couple of men looking in my direction and prepare to tell them, should they decide to come and talk to me, that my husband is arriving in two days’ time. I eke out the time until three o’clock by reading my book and swimming, then leave the terrace and go up to my room where I leave a disappointed message on Jack’s mobile.

‘Jack, it’s me. I was hoping you’d have phoned me by now, but you’re probably still asleep, which can only be a good thing as I’ve been worrying that you’re driving yourself into the ground working twenty-four hours a day. I’ve been at the pool all morning so I’m going to go for a walk now. I’ll phone you when I get back. Love you.’

I wait in my room for an hour or so, then go down to the lobby and, with a quick wave to Mr Ho, who seems to work twenty-four hours a day, go out through the main doors. I walk around for a while, find myself in a market and spend some time buying silk scarves for Janice and Millie. I buy some postcards, search for a bar, order a non-alcoholic cocktail, read my book, write my cards and wonder how I’m going to be able to fill in the next couple of days.

I head back to the hotel and am immediately cornered by Mr Ho, who wants to know if I’m enjoying myself. I confide that I’m at a bit of a loss without Jack and ask him if I could perhaps book an excursion for the following day. He tells me about an overnight trip to ancient temples that some of the hotel guests are going on and asks me if I would be interested in joining them. It’s the perfect solution, but it’s important that I don’t look too eager so I hum and haw a little and ask when exactly we’d be back, pointing out that Jack is due in on Wednesday morning. He promises that I’ll be back at the hotel on Tuesday evening and, after a bit more hesitation, I let myself be persuaded. I add that because I’m going to have to get up extra early the next morning, I’ll probably just have dinner in my room and he agrees that it’s a good idea. I go up to my room and phone Jack once again.

‘Hello darling, still no message from you so I can’t help wondering if you’ve gone to Esther’s for lunch—she said she’d invite you over at some point. I told her you’d probably be too busy but maybe you needed a break. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve decided to go on an overnight trip to some temples, leaving early tomorrow morning—Mr Ho suggested it and at least it’ll pass the time until you get here. I hate the thought of not being able to speak to you before Tuesday evening, which will be Tuesday afternoon for you—I’m definitely going to buy a mobile when we get back to England! But I’ll phone you as soon as I get back to the hotel and hopefully catch you before you leave for the airport. I thought I might come and meet you off the flight, I know you said not to, that you’ll make your own way here, but maybe after being apart from me for four days you’ll have changed your mind! I can’t wait to see you, you may as well know that I’m never going away without you again no matter how much work you have. Well, I’d better go and throw a few things together. Remember I love you very much. I’ll speak to you Tuesday. Don’t work too hard!’